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Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Zuck just can’t stop won’t stop building replicas of himself, the Strait of Hormuz is very much open (it’s opposite day), and software stonks finally had one nice day.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 9 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Zuckerborg
Remember that time Lex Friedman made Zuck take a robot CAPTCHA test?
Mark Zuckerberg’s endless quest to turn the real world into the Metaverse is entering Phase 2 (friendly reminder: Phase 1 failed spectacularly. RIP, VR.)
Apparently, Meta’s $META ( ▲ 4.6% ) CEO is desperate to be in two places at once, presumably so he can be smoking meats at all times…
Turns out, Marky Mark and the Facebook bunch have been developing a new “photorealistic, 3D copy” of the UFC’s next lightweight hopeful. Someone get this man a mini-me.
Mark’s new AI clone (or as he’s affectionately known around the TWC offices, Mark Cuckerberg) is being trained to recreate Zuck’s mannerisms and voice in order to make statements on his thinking and strategies.
And if you’re thinking, “Wait, didn’t he already try this years ago?" you’re right…
Like every tech CEO, DoppleZuck has been on a tear lately to get AI to do his job for him, including building custom agents to replicate himself.
But apparently this project is more about granting access to Zuck’s brain to others (think: employees)… which, imagine working at Meta and having to get everything you do approved by those soulless avatar eyes…
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+ Not even a troll toll will get you into this boy’s Strait of Hormuz
Remember that one water route with all the oil that we’ve been trying to open up for like a month? Well yesterday, #47 went all…
As promised, instead of opening things up, the US began its blockade to stop ships from entering or exiting Iranian ports. So someone’s gonna have to go back and get a sh*tload of dimes.
Per Donny Blockade: “If any of these ships come anywhere close to our BLOCKADE, they will be immediately ELIMINATED, using the same system of kill that we use against the drug dealers on boats at Sea.”
As expected, NATO members Britain and France immediately et-tu-Brute’d Donny’s strategy.
Well, the idea of peace talks was nice while they lasted… for 21 hours…
+ Software stonks? *takes a drag of a cigarette* I haven't heard that name in years...
Software companies had themselves a day as the AI bubble finally popped, the Iran War finally ended, for pretty much no reason at all. Oracle $ORCL ( ▲ 5.04% ) closed up over 12% on the day, and Hubspot $HUBS ( ▲ 0.97% ), Workday $WDAY ( ▼ 1.13% ), Atlassian $TEAM ( ▲ 0.29% ), Salesforce $CRM ( ▲ 0.59% ), and, yes, even lowly Adobe $ADBE ( ▼ 0.05% ) ended the day up big.
But friendly reminder… most of those software stonks are still down double digits on the year so far… which, not great Bob.
Chevron $CVX ( ▼ 2.73% ) is kinda like that dude that waits in the friend zone for years… sometimes it pays off. The powers that be in Caracas are set to award the US (and Chevron) two additional oil fields to revive production.
Friendly reminder that Chevron has been camped out in Venezuela for the last 20 years or so, despite economic and political pressure that drove out Exxon Mobil $XOM ( ▼ 2.52% ) and ConocoPhillips $COP ( ▼ 3.96% ) (cause the meek don’t inherit Venezuelan oil fields).
F*ck it, I’m opening up The Water Coolest’s playbook
I’ve been running TWC for nearly a decade.
And I’m finally pulling together all of my thoughts about creating killer newsletter content and building an audience the right way.
If you’re a serious newsletter operator (think: head of content, editor, CMO, creator), consider this your cheat sheet.
Every Thursday, I’ll send an email with playbooks and war stories from nearly a decade in the newsletter trenches. No filter, just like TWC.
> Intel’s stock is on track for a historic 9-day winning streak, up 56% over that run (CNBC) // Dead cat bounce.
> Strategy Funds Entire $1 Billion Bitcoin Buy With Hybrid Securities (Bloomberg) // Is this what Satoshi had in mind?
> OpenAI CEO Sam Altman’s home allegedly targeted in second attack in two days, cops make 2 arrests (NY Post) // Seriously, Elon, cut it out.
> Late Payments Rising for Buy Now, Pay Later Loans, Survey Says (Bloomberg) // Nobody could have seen this coming.
> But do they offer same day or nah?
Yesterday, I asked, “How do you handle weekend work?”
26.9% of you said, “Forget or procrastinate fully and end up doing it Monday morning.” YOLO.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Forget or procrastinate fully and end up doing it Monday morning: “Any other answer is a lie.”
Late Sunday in full Sunday Scaries mode: “I always want to do it Friday night…then swear I’ll get it done Saturday early, but Sunday rolls around and I’m grinding to out until after 2 am Monday. Idiot!” Slippery slope.
Avoid weekend work at all costs: “I do not do weekends at this stage in my career, I am on coast mode and hoping to make it 2 more years. I log off on Friday about 2-3, and start happy hour shortly thereafter!” Goals.
Early Sunday: “Bite the bullet and get it done early Sunday. The rest of the day is surprisingly enjoyable. Most of all, the commute to work on Monday isn't a death march.” A man of balance, I see…
Late Sunday in full Sunday scaries mode: “I put the "pro" into procrastination.” How much they pay you for that?
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Chevron spent 20 years in the friend zone waiting for Venezuela… What’s the longest you’ve been in the friend zone? (And did it work out?)
+ US stocks “trimmed losses on Monday on growing hopes of an Iranian peace deal, even after President Trump threatened to destroy ships impeding a US blockade in the Strait of Hormuz.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “edged lower on Monday as investors remained optimistic that a resolution for the conflict in the Middle East would be achieved, even after the breakdown of talks between Iran and the U.S.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “climbed about 4% on Monday after the U.S. military began a blockade of ships leaving Iran's ports, drawing threatened retaliation from Tehran against its Gulf neighbors after weekend talks on ending the Iran war broke down." (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s a 28% chance that King Charles says Mother or Mama during the joint Congress meeting on April 28. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Goldman Sachs and Fastenal reported before the opening bell
+ OPEC published its Monthly Oil Market Report
+ The four-day CinemaCon event in Las Vegas began
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ JPMorgan Chase, Johnson & Johnson, BlackRock, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, and CarMax report before the opening bell
+ The March Producer Price Index report will drop
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
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This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.