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Here’s what’s on tap today… The Fed is giving us nothing once again, JPMorgan loves sportsball, and USPS is about to lose its most valuable customer (Amazon).
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 38 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Zero, zip, zilch, nada
Babe, go back to sleep. Nothing happened.
The Fed went ahead and disappointed Donny Economy once again.
That’s right, we still aren’t getting a rate cut (which, duh).
The news itself wasn’t exactly surprising... with all this “uncertainty” (think: war, oil market, AI replacing all white-collar jobs), rates were about as likely to move as a tanker in the stranglehold Strait of Hormuz.
In theory, this should be J-Poww’s penultimate (read: next to last) meeting in the hot seat.
Emphasis on the “in theory”…
Jerome the Powwerful went all Wolf of Wall Street (aka “not f*cking leaving”). Jeromey-Romey-Romey-Rome said he’s sticking around the central bank until after the DOJ’s bogus investigation is complete.
“I have no intention of leaving the board until the investigation is well and truly over, with transparency and finality.” -JP
Which may take a while…
Friendly reminder that US Attorney Jeanine Pirro is still fighting a legal sh*tshow battle to subpoena J-Poww.
Oh yeah, and Sen. Thom Tillis is blocking Kev Warsh’s nomination until that’s over and done with.
Anyway, I think this about sums up Fed things lately…
Goldman Sachs totes "The Return of Physical Assets" → Here’s What You Can Do.
Goldman strategists argued the post-2008 era of total financial asset dominance is faltering. Their proposition? Heavy Assets with Low Obsolescence.
Scarce, globally priced, and immune to AI disruption.
Think about it. Blue-chip art is the original HALO asset.
Just in November 2025, someone bought a 1907 Klimt for $236mm.
And this month? Bloomberg reported that a billionaire scored 3,500% at auction: Bought for £364,500 in 1994. Sold for £13.5 million.
That’s just a fraction of the seller’s billion-dollar collection, representing 12.5% of his fortune.
Returns like that don’t happen everyday, but the Artprice100 outpaced the S&P 500 by 64% (‘20-’24).
Now with Masterworks, you can fractionally invest in multimillion dollar artworks featuring artists like Banksy, Basquiat, and Picasso.
Over 71,000 people have invested $1.3 billion across over 520 artworks.
26 sales delivered net annualized returns like 14.6%, 17.6%, and 17.8%!!
Individual referenced not investors in Masterworks offerings. Masterworks did not contribute to the ArtPrice100 index. Investing involves risk. Past performance not indicative of future returns. Important disclosures at masterworks.com/cd
JPM $JPM ( ▲ 0.3% ) wants to capitalize (literally) on that sweet, sweet new NCAA NIL rules. Jamie Dimon and Co. are partnering with a who’s who of sports stars (and Megan Rapinoe) to develop wealth-management programs tailored to college and pro athletes.
The one and only GOAT, Tom Brady, and Dwyane Wade (who will chair the group) will lead the charge to boost JPM’s wealth-management unit for athletes. Sadly, they’re too late to stop KG from causing this…
+ Define “going postal.”
Amazon $AMZN ( ▼ 0.59% ) finally unzipped its lips and talked some sh*t about the US mailmen. Turns out the USPS “abruptly walked away at the eleventh hour” after over a year of negotiations to increase Amazon’s sending volumes.
Now it’s looking like USPS will get “a truckload more less” packages (think: at least a 2/3 reduction) from its largest customer when its contract expires at the end of September. F*ck around and find out, USPS…
+ Make Facebook relevant again…
After blowing through $88B on the Metaverse, Meta $META ( ▼ 1.12% ) is going back to basics. That’s right, The Facebook is back. Zuck and the team have launched a new program to convince top creators from TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram to take their talents to Facebook in exchange for straight cash, homie.
The “Creator Fast Track” program will pay out guaranteed monthly payments to established creators for 3 months to get cooking on Facebook.
In other desperate to remain relevant new moves, Zuck is transforming its Meta Lab location on Fifth Avenue into a permanent retail space for AI glasses and VR products. Despite the metaverse going away… Bold strategy, Cotton.
You need a side hustle.
How do I know? Because everyone needs one. Never forget: your full-time job doesn't care about you.
You may be dedicated to your work, but it can leave you high and dry at any moment.
Your side hustle(s) will always be there for you.
> Pardoned Nikola founder Trevor Milton is trying to raise $1B for AI-powered planes (TechCrunch) // Wait, didn’t we just make a joke about this yesterday?
> Micron revenue almost triples, tops estimates as demand for memory soars (CNBC) // Good to know someone out there is winning…
> Not particularly close, is it?
Yesterday, I asked, “I'm assuming you're all aware of Kalshi's $1B prize for a perfect NCAA bracket. How many total brackets do you fill out every year?”
36% of you said, “Just one.” The only honest, upstanding answer.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
I’m a psycho (5+): “If you place a lot of bets, you're probably going to win at least one.” Not sure that math works, chief…
0 (I’m lame): “The odds are worse than Megamillions..." So you’re telling me there’s a chance…
4 or 5: “If you are not in at least 4 pools, I do not want to know you." You may need help…
I’m a psycho (5+): “Gambling is a lifestyle." It’s also in the DSM-V…
0 (I’m lame): “My school is in the tournament and I still don’t give a flying intercourse what happens.” Where’s your school spirit?
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Soo... did we all see that the US Government registered aliens.gov? Let's settle it right here and now. If the government announces aliens are real, what are we thinking?
+ US stocks “fell on Wednesday amid interest rate decisions from the Bank of Canada and the U.S. Federal Reserve, with both central banks acknowledging inflationary risks from the war in the Middle East.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “rose on Wednesday as traders assessed the release of hotter-than-expected inflation data, while the Federal Reserve kept interest rates unchanged, as expected.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices were higher on Wednesday, with global benchmark Brent surging past $110 a barrel after an attack to the largest natural gas field in the world shared by Iran and Qatar.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks the Fed only has a 32% chance of granting us a rate cut in 2026. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ General Mills, Macy's, Jabil Circuit, Williams-Sonoma, One Stop Systems, and SailPoint reported before the bell
+ Micron Technology, Red Cat, Dlocal, and Five Below reported after the bell
+ The February Producer Price Index report was released
+ The Federal Reserve announced its interest rate decision and we heard from J-Poww
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Alibaba, Intuitive Machines, Accenture, Darden Restaurants, and Datavault report before the opening bell
+ Fedex, Planet Labs, United States Antimony, and Firefly Aerospace report after hours
+ The European Central Bank will release its monetary policy statement
Oh, and one more thing…
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