Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Jamie Dimon shared lots of (unfiltered) thoughts (and maybe he shouldn’t have), Amazon wants in on the nonexistent robot helper market, and Arm would just love to dethrone Intel.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 25 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Yapping
Tell us what you really think…
Yesterday, Jamie Dimon got onstage and went all “airing of grievances.”
Apparently, when he’s not busy spying on junior staffers, JPMorgan Chase’s $JPM ( ▲ 0.86% ) CEO is firing off hot takes like Bill Ackman after a fistful of methamphetamine.
First up, J-Dawg appears stoked about the Iran War. Jamie War Hawk said he’s “optimistic” about long-term stability in the Middle East, and that regional powers (think: SA, UAE, Qatar, US, and Israel) all want permanent peace…
And prolonged peace can only lead to… data centers.
Per Jamie Data: “They can’t have neighbors lobbing ballistic missiles into their data centers.” Which, fair.
But it wasn’t all Iran takes. There were international trade and AI takes too. Seriously, dude was out there yapping like it was 2024 all over again.
Jamie Geopolitics said that US policies have “set us back” from adapting industries that are key to national security (read: munitions manufacturing).
Oh, and that US government and US companies “made a huge mistake” doing business with China for decades, given that whole awkward Taiwan situation may end up in conflict with the People’s Republic…
And for the AI crowd out there, Jamie UBI pushed for Uncle Sam to incentivize businesses not to lay off literally everyone as AI replaces all our jobs… so we got that going for us, which is nice.
Strange… Jamie Dimon’s odds are still only at 1% to win the 2028 Presidential Election on Polymarket…
I’ll just leave this newsletter cheat sheet right here…
I’ve been writing The Water Coolest for 8 years. That includes two years as head of newsletters at Barstool. And today, I help some of your (other) favorite newsletters create must-read content (you’re welcome).
Now (finally?), I’m pulling together all of my thoughts about creating killer newsletter content and building an audience the right way in the Chief Newsletter Officer newsletter.
If you’re a serious newsletter operator (think: head of content, editor, CMO, creator), this is going to be your cheat sheet.
Every Thursday, I’ll send an email with playbooks and war stories from nearly a decade in the newsletter trenches. No filter, just like TWC.
Join for free today.
+ “Ashtray money, bro.” - Zuck after hearing how much he owes New Mexico
The bad news for Zuck and Meta $META ( ▼ 1.84% ) is that a New Mexico jury found the company failed to protect kids on the app (see: child predators).
The good news? That same jury decided the social network should be held liable for $375M in civil damages. That’s a whole lot less than the State was hoping for ($2B).
Of course, this could set a precedent and open the floodgates for governments to bring suits against Meta.
+ Andy Jassy: “Can a robot build a successful Fire Phone?”
Robot:
Amazon $AMZN ( ▼ 1.38% ) wants in on the humanoid robot market. The online bookstore just acquired Fauna Robotics for an undisclosed sum (dammit). In case you don’t follow the robotics startup scene, Fauna has been developing a human-like, short king 42-inch robot that can talk, walk, grip “items” (BONK), and dance (BONK, again).
The “Sprout” robot is intended to handle chores like picking up toys and carrying things around the house. Oh, and if you’re interested, it only costs a cool $50k to pick one up…
Remember Monday when Donny Politics sent oil prices plummeting with one Truth Social post?
Turns out, $580M of oil futures trades were placed roughly 15 minutes before #47 announced his plan to pause Iranian infrastructure attacks. Which means someone snagged a yuge payday. Thing is, there is zero evidence of insider trading… yet.
Ms. Pelosi, where were you between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. on Monday?
Arm $ARM ( ▼ 1.41% ) (which, still a terrible name) is throwing its hat into the CPU ring. And the new chip, called the AGI CPU, already has its first customer. Yep, Meta $META ( ▼ 1.84% ) was just waiting to get their hands on some fresh CPU power from the ex-smartphone tech company.
Supposedly, Arm’s new chip offers greater power efficiency compared to rival Intel $INTC ( ▲ 0.11% ) and AMD’s $AMD ( ▲ 1.33% ) CPUs. As if things could get any worse for Intel…
The Key to This $240B Market Is in Your Bloodstream
Every year, $240B is spent on treating the symptoms of osteoarthritis, yet not a single therapy has stopped it. Cytonics not only discovered why, they found an answer hiding inside the human body all along. Their first-generation therapy has already treated 10,000+ patients. Now they're pushing a 200% more potent version toward FDA approval. Claim a piece as an early-stage investor today.
> Delta suspends ‘specialty services’ perk for members of Congress, cites DHS shutdown (CNBC) // Suck it, elites.
> Apple Plans AI Reboot With Siri App, New Look and ‘Ask Siri’ Button in iOS 27 (Bloomberg) // This better be REAL good…
> ‘Fortnite’ maker Epic Games slashing 1K jobs as flagship video game slumps (NY Post) // Fingers crossed this leads to the end of your most annoying nephew’s favorite thing.
> Costco just did to Celsius what Anthropic did to SaaS…
Yesterday I asked, “What's the worst thing about the airport experience for you?”
25.3% of you said, “Boarding, deboarding, getting stuck on the tarmac.” Yea, it was a tight race for the worst aspect of air travel.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Boarding, deboarding, getting stuck on the tarmac: “My claustrophobic self stuck in a plane during a delay with no air, no bathroom, NO EXIT, and probably surrounded by fat influencers and crying babies? I'm shaking just typing this.” Seat belt extender influencers have feelings, too.
Everything being overpriced: “The main activity one can do while waiting around in an airport is drink/eat. Why do the prices have to be so insane?" Well, the thing about supply/demand is…
Other (write-in): “TSA agents giving one set of instructions in one line, and other instructions in another line. You get up there, wife asks for clarification, and gets her a$$ handed to you by some (formerly) overpaid "agent" bro with an ego complex. Outside, we'd go fists... No respect. C'mon and take that uniform off! Some are also super nice (for balance)." I did not mean to spike your cortisol, sir.
Other (write-in): “Managing nicotine addiction on a +3hr flight. I roll the dice and hit the vape." Get help, friend.
Crowds and terrible people: “I genuinely wonder how the human race survives after seeing how much of the population has room temperature IQs.” It truly is astonishing.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Costco adds yet another product to its lineup of true greatness... What is the absolute best Costco item?
+ US stocks “declined on Tuesday as the price of oil rose, with fighting between the US-Israel alliance and Iran raging unabated, even as President Donald Trump took an optimistic tone on the state of negotiations with Iran.” (Bloomberg)
+ Oil “sharply gave up gains in volatile trade on Tuesday following an unconfirmed media alert that hinted at a potential one-month ceasefire between the U.S. and Iran.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 6% chance Elon buys OnlyFans. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ GameStop, Braze, and KB Home reported before the bell
+ The ShopTalk conference in Las Vegas got underway
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ PDD Holdings, Chewy, Cintas, and Paychex report before the bell
+ Beyond Meat and Jefferies drop earnings after the bell
+ Starbucks will hold its annual meeting
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of a guy with a Nano Banana account and a wild imagination. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.