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Linda Yaccarino’s new job, plus Snap, AMD, and SMCI, are all down bad. But first…

Let’s take a look back at the August 6, 2024 edition of The Water Coolest…

August 5, 2024 was an absolute bloodbath, you guys. In the first few trading days of August, the S&P 500 lost 6.1% and the Nasdaq plummeted 9.5%, thanks to a perfect sh*tstorm of unfortunate events…

A brutal July jobs report (sound familiar?) and other piss poor economic data gave investors a major fear b*ner. Then Japan unexpectedly hiked rates (maybe they hit the wrong button?). And light summer liquidity, and the market’s concentration in AI stonks was jet fuel on the fire.

The FUD was short-lived (because, you know, stocks only go up). And I’ve got receipts. The S&P 500 has soared more than 20% in the past year.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 45 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

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Define “down round”…

Former Twitter CEO Linda Yaccarino didn’t take long to rebound from her ex (Elon seems to have that effect on women). Just a few weeks after stepping down (er, being “stepped down”), Linda has landed on her feet at… eMed.

Yes, the ex-leader of one of the most high-profile companies in the world (for better or worse) is taking on the CEO role at a company that sounds like it's straight out of the dot-com bubble.

Oh, and Elon didn’t exactly pluck her from obscurity. She was the Chair of Global Advertising and Partnerships at NBCUniversal before taking on the worst job since the guy who had to clean up after Bonnie Blue’s 1,000-”point” game.

Linda is nothing if not a glutton for punishment…

eMed is definitely a “turnaround” play (Linda be like “I can fix him”). The company came on the scene during the pandemic, selling ‘rona boi tests and other telehealth services. As you probably guessed, that business is holding up about as well as the “wet market/pangolin” theory.

Post-pandemic, the company pivoted to other sorts of testing. Think: strep or UTIs. But it turns out the TAM is a bit smaller (read: not 8B people). It recently shuttered that business to set its sights on GLP-1s. More specifically, helping orgs figure out how to cover the fat costs associated with the drugs.

Good luck, Linda.

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+ “Ok, but hear me out… have you considered just lying again?” - SMCI investors

Server maker Super Micro Computer $SMCI ( ▼ 4.44% ) (remember them?) shared its quarterly results… which is a nice change of pace from when it didn’t share earnings for the final two quarters of 2024. SMCI eventually dropped their earnings in early 2025, but not before the Nasdaq threatened to kick them off the exchange and their auditor went all “f*ck this sh*t” and stepped away.

But if there was going to be an earnings report to not release, it would have been this one. The company missed on the top and bottom lines and delivered some piss poor guidance. It appears that demand has fallen off a cliff for its servers. Well, that, or it was just lying about its epic growth during its Cinderella run all the way to the S&P 500…

+ You didn’t ask for it, but we’re getting it anyway. Roku $ROKU ( ▲ 0.12% ) is launching a $2.99 per month ad-free streaming service called Howdy. And as you probably guessed by its price, it’s going to be the TBS of streamers. Think: random movies (“The Blind Side” and “Mad Max: Fury Road”) and 90s sitcoms that you put on as background noise.

+ Jensen Huang to AMD…

Sure, technically AMD $AMD ( ▲ 0.21% ) and Nvidia $NVDA ( ▲ 1.07% ) are “competitors”… but they have about as much in common as an emotionally unavailable billionaire and the children they shipped off to boarding school.

For example, Nvidia consistently puts analysts’ quarterly estimates in a body bag, and, well, AMD does not. The company that’s putting the Micro in Advanced Micro Devices missed earnings expectations, while managing a beat on the top line.

The Pepsi of chipmakers did manage to offer up guidance that came in higher than the Street was expecting, thanks to a girthy pipeline (see: big tech seeking to diversify its GPU providers). But investors still went from midnight to six after the numbers dropped. Turns out, being compared to the most important company in the history of capitalism sets the bar high.

+ Gym bros down bad…

+ On the bright side, Snap earnings always provide an opportunity to buy the f*cking dip. Per usual, Snap $SNAP ( ▼ 1.72% ) had a brutal quarter, missing the Street’s revenue and average revenue per user targets. But founder and CEO Evan Spiegel did have some new excuses, like the “timing of Ramadan”… and an ad platform rollout that was an absolute clusterf*ck.

Investors have some pretty valid concerns about Snap’s inability to make money, given that pretty much all of its competitors printed cash in their ad biz.

+ I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news for Bank of America $BAC ( ▲ 2.43% ) investment banking analysts. The bad? CEO Brian Moynihan will rip your heart out while it’s still beating in a scene straight out of Indiana Jones if he catches you talking to a PE firm recruiter. If you divulge that you’ve been poached by a PE shop, you’ll be reassigned to another part of the bank (presumably a teller, or worse… the back office).

The good news is that if you stick it out, bonus szn is about to be better than the sea urchin ceviche at Dorsia. Big bonuses are back thanks to a rebound in markets and dealmaking…

+ US stocks “retreated on Tuesday as investors digested the latest wave of corporate earnings, economic data, and various tariff updates.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “was relatively unchanged Tuesday after the prices portion of a key service sector survey came in stronger than expected and as investors weighed developments tied to President Donald Trump's tariff policy.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices slipped lower Tuesday, continuing recent losses as traders fretted over increased production and deteriorating demand amid increased global economic headwinds.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “moved marginally on Tuesday, remaining largely rangebound as uncertainty over U.S. trade tariffs and economic growth kept traders mostly averse towards risk-driven assets.” (Investing.com)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Pfizer, Caterpillar, Lemonade, Recursion Pharmaceuticals, BP, Marriott, Zoetis, DigitalOcean, Shift4, Archer-Daniels-Midland Company, Eaton, Duke Energy, Marathon Petroleum, Dupont, and Leidos reported in the AM

+ Advanced Micro Devices, Super Micro Computer, Arista, Rivian, Astera Labs, Upstart, Toast, Lucid, Zeta, Snap, Amgen, Coupang, Opendoor, Powell, Devon Energy, Centrus Energy, and Aflac reported after hours

+ Alibaba held its annual meeting

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Uber, Shopify, Disney, McDonald's, Oscar, Unity, Wix, NRG Energy, Novavax, and Emerson Electric report before the open

+ IONQ, Applovin, Airbnb, Realty Income Corp, e.l.f. Beauty, Duolingo, DraftKings, Occidental Petroleum, DoorDash, Fortinet, Lyft, Joby, Symbotic, Dutch Bros, HubSpot, Honest Company, Energy Transfer, Redwire, Paycom, Zillow, Procept, Root, Sunrun, and Blue Bird report after the bell

Yesterday, I asked, “Which one are you keeping?”

52.8% of you said “TV streaming service (Netflix, HBO Go, Prime, etc.).”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Yesterday, we got into TV vs. music streaming. Today, let’s dive into music…

Let’s assume you have to pay for access to individual songs, like it’s iTunes all over again. What’s the most you would be willing to pay for the ability to stream your favorite song any time you want? Let’s assume it’s a one-time fee.

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.