TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Microsoft thinks you’re getting too old for this sh*t, Paramount seals the deal, and Lululemon’s new boss doesn’t impress investors much.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 7 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Volunt-old
Microsoft: *creates Teams, Copilot, Outlook, SharePoint, etc.*
Also Microsoft: “How come no one likes us?”
Microsoft $MSFT ( ▼ 3.97% ) is making plans to cut roughly 7% of its US workforce.
Turns out Satya needs to slash (more) costs to improve Microsoft Teams spend more on AI.
For the first time in its 51-year history, the company founded by renowned b*ner-killer Bill Gates will offer “voluntary” (lol) employee buyouts.
US-based Microsoft workers at or below a senior director level (with a combined age and years of employment > 70) will be able to retire with pride (or wait to be canned in a month or two).
Per “Chief Firing People Officer” Amy Coleman, “Our hope is that this program gives those eligible the choice to take that next step on their own terms, with generous company support.” Always go out on your own terms.
“But why all the cutbacks?” - you, a concerned humanist
Well, things haven’t exactly been going great in Redmond. We’ve come a long way from this…
Microsoft’s flagship AI, 365 Copilot, has reached an adoption rate of just over 3% of its 450M customers. Which makes sense if you’ve tried Copilot…
And, of course, shares dropped nearly 24% in Q1 of ‘26.
Bring back Clippy.
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+ ‘Top Gun: Maverick 2: The Return of Harry Potter’
Warner Bros. $WBD ( ▼ 1.57% ) shareholders voted through the $81B Paramount $PSKY ( ▼ 4.49% ) merger yesterday, and David Ellison has got to be psyched that being a nepo baby remains undefeated.
The only loser in the deal? Netflix WBD’s CEO David Zaslav. Apparently, the majority of Warner shareholders voted against Dave’s $886M compensation package… for now.
No one tell the shareholders, but it turns out the board can overrule those plebs and approve Zas’s golden parachute regardless. Anyway, live look at Dave at the shareholder meeting, probably…
+ Markets saw right through this decision…
Lululemon $LULU ( ▼ 13.33% ) shares tanked yesterday as investors reacted to the transparent selection of Nike $NKE ( ▼ 1.97% ) vet Heidi O’Neill as CEO. Analysts are complaining that Lulu needs a “turnaround” leader, which, ironically, is something you can’t do in their see-through leggings.
Friendly reminder that the activists at Elliot Investment Management have been pushing for former Ralph Lauren $RL ( ▼ 1.11% ) exec Jane Nielsen to take over. Hopefully, Heidi isn’t as thin-skinned as LULU’s product line.
+ Classic stoners. 3 days late…
The DOJ just reclassified Mary Jane to a Schedule III drug. It’s been 56 years since the devil’s lettuce was classified as being as dangerous as heroin and LSD.
Technically, the shift only applies to medical cannabis for now, but there’s a hearing scheduled for June that should affect recreational marijuana’s legal status… so even though you guys missed 4/20, you could always hit 6/9…
Weed ETFs jumped initially on the news, then plummeted for the day, probably because recreational drugs are still a big question mark.
+ Texas Instruments out here putting the “Plus” in TI-83 Plus…
Texas Instruments $TXN ( ▲ 19.43% ) shares mooned yesterday after reporting 19% revenue growth and an earnings beat of $1.68 per share. Oh, and the OG calculator gods gave some optimistic guidance for another 17% revenue growth in Q2. Thanks, AI.
Nuclear Stocks Are Surging - These 7 Lead the Pack
For years, investors ignored nuclear.
Now energy demand is rising, supply is tight, and governments are backing buildouts.
Yet parts of the sector still trade as if nothing changed.
The 7 Top Nuclear Stocks to Buy Now report highlights companies leading this rally and positioned to benefit as momentum builds.
> Avis Sinks 70% in Two Days, Setting Off Cascade of Trading Halts (Bloomberg) // C’mon guys, you know it had to end at some point.
> OpenAI announces GPT-5.5, its latest artificial intelligence model (CNBC) // Time to dust off this meme…
> Spirit Airlines lawyer says cash ‘not going to last for very much longer,’ but government rescue on the table (CNBC) // Weird, “cash not going to last for very much longer” is the exact thing I texted my wife last time I was in Vegas…
> Amazon stripping hundreds of employees’ job titles — and new buzzword is rattling workforce (NY Post) // Imagine having to write ‘builder’ on your LinkedIn.
> Meta will cut 10% of workforce as it pushes more into AI (CNBC) // They keep talking about it, but just do it already.
> To the Gen Z kid who told me I was chopped… how’s it feel to know you’ll never own a home?
Yesterday, I asked, “Based SOLELY on a personal experience, which domestic airline has given you the worst travel experience?”
27.5% of you said, “Spirit.” Reputation holds up.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Frontier: “Only because I've never dipped my pen in the Spirit ink.” Good for you.
United: “Pulled away from gate, on tarmac for 6 hrs., no food/water offered. Brutal.” Devastating.
Spirit: “I’m not afraid of flying. I’m afraid of not flying while I'm still in the air. Nightmare fuel the entire flight. Only flew them one time, never again. Also, lady that pulled out the plastic wrapped tuna sandwiches, I’ll never forget you bitch!!” Bringing food onto plane should be an instant no-fly list trigger.
American: “Big family trip. 7 checked bags ended up in 5 different metro airports, only 2 of which we traveled through. ‘Our bad, here’s a $100 voucher.’” How does that even happen?
Frontier: “Middle seat with no room to move. On the plus side, I had a MILF sitting next to me, which is nice.” I think you might have misread the question, I was looking for a BAD travel experience…
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Which Microsoft product do you personally hate the most? (Share why, please)
+ US stocks “fell in choppy trading on Thursday as hopes dimmed for a quick end to the Iran war, while investors grappled with a mixed bag of earnings reports as concerns resurfaced about AI-driven disruption across the software sector.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “moved higher on Thursday as tensions between the U.S. and Iran with the Strait of Hormuz reignited inflation fears.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices ticked up on Thursday, extending massive weekly gains, as tensions remained high in and around the critical Strait of Hormuz following a flurry of naval activity. An Israeli media report that one of Iran’s top negotiators had resigned also clouded the mood.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s a 42% chance that Diddy is released from custody this year. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ American Express, Lockheed Martin, Nextera, Honeywell, Blackstone, American Airlines, Nasdaq, Thermo Fisher, Comcast, Freeport-McMoran Copper & Gold Inc., Union Pacific, Mobileye Global, Nokia, Dow, ST Microelectronics, PulteGroup, Keurig Dr. Pepper, Iridium Communications, and Roper reported before the bell
+ Intel, SAP, Newmont Goldcorp, Comfort Systems, Digital Realty Trust, Kinsale Capital Group, Baker Hughes, and Edwards Lifesciences reported after the opening bell
+ Warner Bros. Discovery shareholders voted on the buyout by Paramount
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Procter & Gamble, Schlumberger, HCA Holdings, and Charter Communications report before the bell
+ The University of Michigan consumer sentiment survey for April drops
Oh, and one more thing…
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