Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Donny Diplomacy wants 20% for protection, the Paramount rubber is finally meeting the Warner Bros. road, and ur mom probably took too much Tylenol, and now Kenvue may pay for it.
Now, enjoy the next 3 minutes and 41 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Troll toll
You want the baby boy’s soul Iranian cargo, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Donny Deescalation kicked off the new week with a phresh phee on cargo running through the Strait.
Turns out The Don is looking for 20% protection money from anyone planning to use Hormuz for the time being. Wait, didn’t Tehran try this?
Oh, and the US will also be reimposing blockades on Iranian ports.
Speaking of shots fired…
Iran and US forces have been pretty busy exchanging missile and drone airstrikes all weekend, despite the ceasefire technically remaining in place.
On Sunday, the US had knocked out “dozens of targets at multiple locations” relating to Iran’s ability to attack ships in the S of H.
Per #47 on Truth Social yesterday, “The U.S.A. will be, from this point forward, known as ‘THE GUARDIAN OF THE HORMUZ STRAIT…’”
Sick band name.
Anyway, oil prices jumped bigly yesterday (because duh).
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The Water Coolest 1.0 crew (colorized) circa 2018
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+ State attorneys when a crime is committed: crickets
State attorneys when capitalism happens:
A group of 12 state attorneys is going to the mattresses to fight Davey Ellison’s new deal…
Yesterday, a new lawsuit dropped feat. A dozen state attorneys, led by CA Attorney General Rob Bonta, are trying to keep true love Paramount and Warner Bros. apart.
Friendly reminder: the US DOJ already gave its blessing to the star-crossed lovers, but Rob is fighting the good fight against “higher prices, lower quality, and less content for film and television…”
*Netflix has entered the chat*
+ Hey Siri, call Mom…
Kenvue (think: Tylenol) shares got rekt yesterday after a federal appeals court reopened over 500 private lawsuits related to why you probably like trains so much.
The 2nd US Circuit Court of Appeals will have another look at a sh*tload of cases against Kenvue (and major pharmacies including CVS $CVS ( ▲ 1.68% ), Kroger $KR ( ▼ 2.03% ), Target $TGT ( ▼ 0.27% ), and Walmart $WMT ( ▲ 0.77% )) from December 2024 and earlier alleging a connection between Tylenol use in pregnancy and autism/ADHD.
Why? Turns out the judge in those cases excluded expert testimony from doctors, which, yikes.
RFK Jr. just went from six to midnight.
+ Tim Cook let the intrusive thoughts win.
ICYMI, Apple $AAPL ( ▲ 0.63% ) went all scorched-earth (read: suing for damages, injunctions, etc.) on OpenAI’s pre-IPO a** on Friday. Allegedly, Scam Altman stole Siri’s intellectual property for its new consumer hardware play.
Per APPL AAPL, “At every level, from members of its Technical Staff to its Chief Hardware Officer, and in coordination with business partners, OpenAI has been stealing Apple’s trade secrets and confidential information.”
@sama and Tim Apple were best buddies as recently as 2024, when ChatGPT was integrated into Apple Intelligence. But things got less cool when Sam bought Jony Ive’s startup last year for $6.4B…
Tim/Johnny Ternus’s main beef revolves around ex-Apple employees allegedly being directed to bring “actual parts” from Apple to their OpenAI interviews. Oh, and apparently OpenAI coached departing employees in how to evade security processes…
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> Bank earnings: JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, Bank of America // Gentlemen, we ride at dawn (or like 9:30).
> (Sunday) Khosla family agrees to purchase defending Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks for $9.612 billion, sources say // Bought for $194M in 1997. Sold for $9.6B in 2026. ROI for days.
> (Sunday) Elon Musk and Sam Altman spar on X after Apple files OpenAI lawsuit // “He might literally love scamming more than any human alive!”
> (Friday) Coke crushes rival Pepsi on Wall Street as pricey snacks sink stock // No, this isn’t today’s poll, but it probably should be…
> (Friday) SK Hynix rises 13% in Nasdaq debut. Chairman tells CNBC ‘demand is enormous’ // Aaand it’s gone.
On Friday, I asked, “Enough of this soccer BS... Who you got McGregor v Holloway 2?”
55% of you said, “Holloway.” The real loser was all of us who tuned in…
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Holloway: “Max Holloway is the real 🐐 of the division and McGregor is just Dana White’s love child.” So good he didn’t even have to do anything.
McGregor: “‘who tha fook is that guy’” That guy won…
Holloway: “Would love to see McGreggor KO’d on the canvas again.” Would you take humiliation instead?
McGregor: “I only picked McGregor because he was in the Roadhouse remake and there was no IDGAF about UFC option. PS- Still 10 Sundays til the NFL.” Can’t wait for real sports szn.
McGregor: “He’s got this as long as they let him snort c*caine off a hookers a** before the fight.” Guess he forgot.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Hypothetical: An estranged relative dies and you inherit everything they own. Turns out, they own a major pro sports team. Which league (and you better tell me which team)?
(Imagine choosing MLS)
+ US stocks rose Friday (S&P 500: +0.4%) on a ~4% Nvidia pop and a 6% Meta surge, capping a 1%+ weekly gain, then fell Monday (S&P 500: -0.8%) as US-Iran fighting escalated, oil prices jumped, and AI names came under pressure. Happy Monday.
+ The 10-year yield rose Friday and again Monday as the US-Iran ceasefire kept fraying, with both sides trading strikes over the weekend and Trump reinstating a Strait of Hormuz blockade.
+ Oil dipped Friday on hopes for a diplomatic off-ramp, then settled up more than 9% Monday to a one-month high after word that Tuesday’s US naval blockade would cover Iran’s entire coastline. Because we can.
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 20% chance that Putin will be out as President of Russia by July 2027. (Polymarket)
Oh, and one more thing…
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