Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on the agenda today…
Elon’s (almost) trillion-dollar payday tells us a lot about the future of Tesla, the August jobs report just helped J-Poww make up his mind, and meet the newest S&P 500 constituents.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 39 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
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Trillionaire boys club
Nobody is down worse than the guy who brought a lawsuit against Elon’s 2018 $56B pay package…
Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 1.27% ) is about to ask shareholders to approve a pay package for Elon that would be worth up to $975B over the next decade… which would almost certainly make the Tesla founder a trillionaire. Sucks to suck, Adam Neumann (friendly reminder: the WeWork founder once said he wants to live forever and be the world’s first trillionaire).
If ratified by stonkholders, Elon would also get more voting power over the company… and what could possibly go wrong?
In Tesla’s defense…
… the milestones Elon will need to achieve are ambitious as f*ck. Case in point: the final tranche of shares only unlocks if the former First Buddy helps TSLA hit an $8.5T market cap. For context, the EV maker’s market cap was $1.1T on Friday.
And that might not even be the most insane target for Elon. He’ll also need to…
Deliver 20M Tesla vehicles
Sell 10M FSD subscriptions
Ship 1M robots
Get 1M Robotaxis operational
Notably missing from the list of objectives for X Æ A-12’s dad?
Setting a specific number of hours spent actually working at Tesla
Don’t kill anyone with Full Self Driving and/or Robotaxis
Stop sleeping with the help
With his 2018 comp package worth nearly $60B tied up in a Delaware court, the board is hoping this yuge deal will get Elon to lock the f*ck in.
WTF does it mean for us?
Elon has made it abundantly clear that he gives pretty much zero f*cks about EVs, and that the future of Tesla is robotics and AI. And while the milestones in this comp package don’t entirely give up on making cars, shipping 1M Optimus bots in the next 10 years is more ambitious than wearing white pants after Chipotle.
Don’t get it twisted, Tesla is incentivizing Elon to build a robotics company with an EV side hustle.
It might sound crazy, but there's a much easier way to pay down debt faster…
Spoiler: using a credit card.
Here’s EXACTLY how to do it…
Find a card with a “0% intro APR" period for balance transfers
Transfer your debt balance
Pay it down as much as possible during the intro period
No interest means you could pay off the debt faster.
Now it’s time to find the right card…
Some of the top credit card experts identified one of their favorites that puts interest on ice until nearly 2027 AND offers up to 5% cash back on qualifying purchases.
+ One gambling company is replacing another gambling company in the S&P 500…
Caesars Entertainment $CZR ( ▲ 0.15% ) is out of the index and Robinhood $HOOD ( ▲ 15.83% ) is in, per S&P Global’s announcement on Friday. AppLovin $APP ( ▲ 11.59% ) is also getting the nod, replacing MarketAxxess $MKTX ( ▼ 0.18% ).
Both shares popped ~7% after hours on the news. Friendly reminder: index funds that track the S&P 500 will have to buy up a f*ck ton of shares to accurately mirror the current roster of constituents, hence the pop.
You might recall that back in March, short seller Fuzzy Panda warned the indices’ committee not to add AppLovin because its biz model was all smoke and mirrors. Fuzzy Panda claimed AppLovin was using sketchy tactics to count ad clicks (think: “close” and “skip” buttons that opened an App and counted an ad impression instead of, you know, closing or skipping).
+ “No jobs for you!”
The official government jobs report for August was brutal: just 22k jobs added vs. 75k expected. But, for the most part, everyone was ok with the data print. Sure, the turrible (said in Charles Barkley voice) is concerning, but look on the bright side… it nearly guarantees a rate cut. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.
+ Honestly, the only way things could have gone worse for Kenvue $KVUE ( ▼ 1.02% ) on Friday is if the board livestreamed themselves kicking puppies and kittens. A report claimed that RFK Jr. is about to drop a report linking Tylenol use among pregnant mothers to autism in children. It’s shocking shares only fell 10%…
+ There are only two certainties in life: death and the EU imposing massive fines on US tech giants. The bloc’s most recent penalty was a $3.5B antitrust fine handed down to Alphabet $GOOG ( ▼ 0.34% ). The Union claims Google was prioritizing its own display advertising over its rivals (which, duh).
POTUS entered the fray soon after the fat fine was handed down, threatening to “nullify” the fees via a trade investigation. Translation? Google has just become a pawn in the trade war.
+ Remember the Nestle CEO who got fired last week for sleeping with a subordinate? Well, the story just got so much more juicy. Apparently, Laurent Freixe got caught by his main mistress (a Nestlé employee) with his side piece (another Nestlé employee) at a Zurich hotel. His main chick, who was big mad, anonymously reported his f*ckery to HR. I’ll just leave this right here…
+ Instead of getting its pedo problem under control, Roblox $RBLX ( ▲ 0.61% ) continues to roll out cool features. On Friday, the company announced ‘Roblox Moments, ’ a TikTok-like feed that shows gameplay videos.
+ US stocks “briefly hit record highs on Friday before reversing course to trade lower, after data showing U.S. job growth cooled in August led investors to double down on bets that the Federal Reserve might cut interest rates later this month, maybe by as much as 50 basis points.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “fell on Friday after a key U.S. jobs report showed a slower-than-expected pace of hiring in August.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “fell on Friday as a weak U.S. jobs report dimmed the outlook for energy demand, while swelling supplies may grow further after OPEC and allied producers meet over the weekend.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 31% chance OpenAI releases a social app this year. (Kalshi)
⏪ On Friday…
+ The August Jobs Report was released
+ The Roblox Developer Conference took place in San Jose, California
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Planet Labs reports before the bell
+ Casey’s reports after hours
+ McDonald's is launching its revived Extra Value Meals across the US… and sign me the f*ck up
Friday, I asked, “You get $37M but you have to go to bed at 7 PM every night and sleep for at least 12 hours for the rest of your life. You taking that deal?”
65.7% of you said “Sign me up.“
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Sign me up: “I have a newborn - I would pay $37M for a good night's sleep.”
Sign me up: “But I have to live in Hawaii so I can still watch all of East and West coast sports!”
Sign me up: “I'll have all the latest technology installed on me so when I'm sleeping I'm getting pecs, etc.”
No chance: “I don't need the things that money would buy as much as I need the time flexibility. Plus, never being able to watch another Sunday or Monday night football game? I'm out”
No chance: “That makes life work, kids, sleep, repeat. I’m holding onto my 1 golden hour to myself per evening.”
Here’s today’s question…
Some ground rules for today…
No bathing AT ALL. That means no hose, wet wipes, bath, pool, fountain, sponge bath, water park, etc.)… you are going to be f*cking disgusting
Yes, you can wear new clothes and Axe (not real cologne)
How long would you go without showering if you got $10k per day?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.