TOGETHER WITH

Here’s what’s on the agenda today…

TikTok US is a done deal (I think), Amazon gets a slap on the wrist, and the US economy is so back.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 22 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who still doesn’t have Amazon Prime. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste forward this to you? Subscribe here.

TikTok’s “Chinese algorithm” is about to go the way of original formula Four Loko (RIP)…

POTUS lent his John Hancock to an Executive Order that approved the deal for a bunch of US companies and investors (and even some non-US investors) to take an 80% stake in TikTok US. The remaining 20% (technically “less than 20%") will still be owned by Bytedance.

The deal will value TikTok US (BTW, super original, you guys) at $14B (which is well below estimates of $35B).

But it takes two to tango. And China has yet to announce that it’s signed off on the deal. In fact, it would actually need to change a law to do so. Of course, President Xi has never let a law stop him before, and VP Vance did say that China (reluctantly) agreed to the terms.

How do you do, fellow kids?

The White House has assembled an absolutely stacked team of mostly old, white investors to control an app made for dancing teenagers.

Team America consists of Oracle, Silverlake, and MGX (yes, that’s an Abu Dhabi-based fund). Plus, some of Bytedance’s current investors like General Atlantic, Susquehanna, and Sequoia will get their beaks wet.

Notably missing from the cap table? The US government, which was expected to get in on the action via an equity stake, or at the very least a “golden share” that would require sign-off from the United States of America before major decisions could be made.

But every Dream Team has an MJ. And Oracle is by far the biggest swingin’ d*ck over at TikTok US. ICYMI, Oracle will manage the social platform’s algorithm/ensure you can search for Tiananmen Square. POTUS said ORCL will be “playing a very big part.”

WTF does it mean for us?

Your TikTok feed is about to smell like Freedom, expensive healthcare, and Tomahawk Cruise Missiles. Oh, and a bunch of VCs are about to make a f*ck ton of money.

At least there’s one publicly traded company that stands to profit handsomely from its role as keeper of the algorithm. Of course, any TikTok gainz are going to be a rounding error for Oracle if the AI hype train can stay on the rails.

Upgrade your news intake with 1440! Dive into a daily newsletter trusted by millions for its comprehensive, 5-minute snapshot of the world's happenings. They navigate through over 100 sources to bring you fact-based news on politics, business, and culture, minus the bias.

+ Ok, now do gym chains…

Yesterday, Amazon $AMZN ( ▲ 0.75% ) reached a settlement with those narcs over at the Federal Trade Commission. The company founded by Jeffrey Commerce will pay $2.5B to settle allegations that they were shady af.

For those of you keeping score at home, that is the second-biggest FTC settlement in US history. Facebook holds the top spot. It paid a $5B fine for some f*ckery related to privacy.

So, wtf did Amazon do?

According to the suit from way back in year of our lord 2021, Amazon got its Wells Fargo on (read: it used deceptive practices to get users to join Prime… then made it nearly impossible for those new members to cancel).

WTF does it mean for us?

We’ve been robbed of a jury trial that Amazon presumably would have lost (see: settlement). But have no fear, the FTC has another lawsuit in the chamber. It also accused Amazon of holding “monopoly power” over the e-comm game (well, duh).

And if you were dumb enough to be duped by Amazon’s deceptive practices, you could be $51 richer. A huge chunk of the settlement will go directly to wronged Prime members.

+ If yesterday’s economic data is any indication, we are so f*cking back, you guys. Not only did jobless claims fall week over week (and come in below expectations), but the latest GDP estimate came at 0.5 percentage points higher than the previous one.

+ The Bears: “We’re valued at $8.9B!”

Robert Kraft, like 12 hours later: “Hold my beer.”

Just a few hours after the Chicago Bears sold a minority stake at an $8.9B valuation, the New England Patriots straight-up Aaron Hernandez-ed ‘em. Yesterday, Bob Kraft sold an 8% stake in the team that made Jordon Hudson’s boyfriend a legend at a $9B valuation.

+ What’s that? You thought your life sucked? Imagine getting laid off by a CEO who takes the company’s PJ to the office whenever he damn well pleases… after he made RTO mandatory for your sorry a**….

Starbucks $SBUX ( ▼ 0.53% ) said it’s laying off (another) 900 employees (the corporate variety) and closing a bunch of stores with the goal of saving $1B. This is the second round of layoffs in the Brian Niccol era. He let go of 1.1k non-barista employees earlier this year.

Oh, and more than 500 Starbucks locations will get the Spirit Halloween treatment in the coming months. Which, to be fair, isn’t that many when you consider Starbucks has more than 18k stores in the US (that is not a typo).

+ US stocks “ended Thursday in the red, bogged down by a further pullback in Oracle, as well as a jump in rates.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “ticked higher after new economic data showed the U.S. economy remains solid.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “steadied on Thursday after hitting a seven-week high in the previous session as Russia moved to restrict fuel exports until the end of the year, but the gains were limited by new U.S. economic data that tempered optimism around further interest rate cuts.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 57% chance the US wins the Ryder Cup. (Polymarket)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Accenture reported before the open

+ Costco reported after the close

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ The core PCE price index report for August will drop (spoiler: that’s the Fed’s preferred inflation gauge)

Yesterday, I asked, “Do you tip Uber drivers?”

60.8% of you said “Always.“

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.