Today, we’re getting into Jamie Dimon getting his Debbie Downer on, a trade war escalation, and Tinder has a new screening feature. But first...

In the June 2, 2022 edition of The Water Coolest, we covered Sheryl Sandberg stepping down as COO of Facebook. Zuck brought in Sheryl in 2008 to be the grown-up in the room. And over more than a decade, she became a legend in Silicon Valley.

But at the time of her departure, Meta was in a death spiral with regulators breathing down their neck and ad dollars going the way of Libra (er, Diem).

Not long after Sandberg quit, Meta’s fortunes turned around. Shares mooned between late ‘22 February of this year. In March of this year, an explosive tell-all written by Sandberg’s former assistant dropped (spoiler: sexual harassment isn’t just for the guys in corporate America).

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 50 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

Fact: Jamie Dimon has now predicted 17 of the last 4 economic and geopolitical crises…

Something tells me the organizers of the first-ever Reagan National Economic Forum immediately regretted inviting JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon.

Wall Street’s resident Buzz Killington was particularly pessimistic… on a summer Friday, no less. After downing an industrial-sized serving of Haterade, Jamie went nuclear during a fireside chat.

“How bad could it possibly have been?” - you

Friendly reminder: Jamie does not like Bitcoin. But there’s one thing he hates even more… the US strategic Bitcoin reserve: “We shouldn’t be stockpiling bitcoins. We should be stockpiling guns, bullets, tanks, planes, drones, you know, rare earths. We know we need to do it. It’s not a mystery.” *the military-industrial complex has entered the chat*

In case you were wondering why the CEO of the largest bank in the US wants us to get our doomsday prepper on… the answer is simple: China. Jamie, who moonlights as a 4-star General, apparently, indicated we only have enough missiles for 7 days of war in the South China Sea.

But according to Jamie, China is not even America’s biggest enemy…

His real concern? The man in the mirror: “China is a potential adversary. They’re doing a lot of things well, they have a lot of problems. But what I really worry about is us. Can we get our own act together, our own values, our own capability, our own management?”

JD called out the growing national debt, not so subtly throwing shade at the “big beautiful bill” that could add an estimated $2.7T to the national deficit over a decade: “You are going to see a crack in the bond market, OK? It is going to happen.”

He also addressed the elephant in the room. Think: will USD be the world’s reserve currency for our grandkids? Fat chance, per the guy who probably didn’t get invited to happy hour after: “If we are not the pre-eminent military and the pre-eminent economy in 40 years, we will not be the reserve currency. People tell me we are enormously resilient. I agree with that. I think this time is different. This time we have to get our act together and do it very quickly.”

Sheesh.

Anyway… happy Monday, guys.

From the annals… on June 2, 2022, we ran this story in The Water Coolest… Jamie Dimon is a few poor life choices from being one of those crackheads standing on the corner telling you the 'end is near.' The CEO of JPMorgan shared his macro concerns, warning that 'you better brace yourself.'

We could all use a little escape from the rat race.

Which is why I teamed up with a few of my favorite newsletters to give away an all-inclusive 4-night stay for two at Zel Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic.

This place will make you forget all about your sh*thead co-workers. It’s the first lifestyle resort in Punta Cana, inspired by the energy of the Mediterranean lifestyle, in partnership with Spanish tennis legend Rafa Nadal.

You’ll get access to…

Entering to win is easy

So what are you waiting for? Enter right now.

+ Donny Politics be like…

If nothing else, POTUS keeps everyone on their toes. During a rally in PA where he laid out deets of the US Steel-Nippon Steel tie-up, President Trump announced he’d double steel tariffs from 25% to 50% beginning June 4th. As you might have guessed, this pissed off our frenemies in Canada and the EU, who sell a bunch of iron and carbon alloy to us.

Donny Duties also accused President Xi of violating a preliminary trade deal between the US and China. Trump called China’s President “Mr. NICE GUY!”… to which the leader of the People’s Republic replied, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Trump claims it has slow rolled its plan to pause reciprocal tariffs placed on US companies.

+ In case you were wondering why markets ended relatively flat on Friday, despite the White House turning trade tensions up to 11… look no further than April core PCE. The Fed’s preferred inflation indicator was the lowest since 2021.

+ Bad news, short kings… just when you thought your prospects couldn’t get any dimmer, Tinder $MTCH ( ▼ 0.68% ) is testing “height preference” filters for premium users on the app. And now we’re just a “trust fund” option away from fulfilling the prophecy of that “Looking for a Man in Finance” song…

+ Buffett & Munger. Burns & Smithers. Musk & Trump. Work spouses and best buds Elon Musk and President Trump said their goodbyes as the Hall of Fame horn dog went back to leading just 6 companies. Elon was thanked for his work with DOGE by the Commander in Chief in an Oval Office ceremony.

And all anyone could talk about was the Tesla founder’s (literal) black eye. Rumors abound, but it should come as little surprise that someone with this many baby mamas caught a left hook.

+ Nothing to see here…

+ Friday was a good day to be a grown woman who chose to make their entire personality revolve around a country singer (better than Disney, I guess). Anyway, Taylor Swift bought back the rights to her first 6 albums… even though she’d probably just make more money giving them the ‘(Taylor’s version)’ treatment. Financial terms were not disclosed, but we can all agree it was a f*ck ton, right?

+ Make debt your b*tch. There's a much easier way to pay down crippling debt faster, you guys. Spoiler: it's using a no-interest credit card. Some of the top credit card experts identified one of their favorites that puts interest on ice until nearly 2027 AND offers up to 5% cash back on qualifying purchases. Start paying down debt faster with this top pick. [FYI, this is a partner post]

+ US stocks were “little changed on Friday to close out a big winning month, as investors shook off trade war fears after President Donald Trump said China violated its preliminary trade agreement.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “ticked down on Friday as investors parsed inflation data and considered the latest news on President Donald Trump’s “reciprocal” tariffs.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “crude futures fell on Friday as traders expected OPEC+ would decide on Saturday to boost oil output for July beyond previous forecasts.” (Reuters)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ EA Sports F1 25 was released by Electronic Arts

+ The core PCE price index report for April dropped

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Circle is expected to price its IPO

+ Snowflake’s 4-day conference begins

Yesterday, I asked, “Have you ever drank a non-alcoholic beer?”

48.0% of you said “Yes.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Same…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.