TOGETHER WITH
Still climbing ladders to clean your gutters? Hold up. HomeBuddy installs premium, clog-free gutter guards fast. No risk, no mess, just guaranteed protection for your home.
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on the docket today… the Sydney Sweeney effect is real, POTUS and J-Poww deserve their own HGTV renovation show, and South Park makes Paramount regret everything.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 39 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who bought the Sydney Sweeney bathwater soap. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.
PPS, did someone with great taste (who knows what kinda soap you use) forward this to you? Subscribe here.
The Sydney Sweeney Effect
If you thought for a second that I’m above writing about/sharing images of Sydney Sweeney simply for the engagement, you’re sorely mistaken…
On Wednesday, American Eagle $AEO ( ▼ 0.35% ) redefined “pump your bags”…
The mall retailer announced a Fall campaign featuring Sydney Sweeney (of Dr. Squatch used bathwater soap fame). The plan? Boost denim sales during back to school shopping season.
Little did they know it was the WallStreetBets incels that would emerge from their parents’ basement…
“I’m just thinkin investin with my d*ck” [blast this for your entire office to hear]
Shares of the heavily shorted Abercrombie competitor got the meme stock treatment not long after the collab was announced. AEO popped after hours on Wednesday, and the good times continued on Thursday, because men only want one thing, and it’s f*cking disgusting.
Thank you for your service, Sydney.
Here’s What a 1-Day Gutter Upgrade Should Cost You
Still climbing ladders to clean your gutters? It’s time to stop. HomeBuddy helps you install premium gutter guards that fit right over your existing system in just a few hours. No more clogs, no more risky maintenance. Get protection that adds value to your home and comes backed by a 100% no-clog guarantee.
+ Elon vs. Musk in the Coliseum ain’t got sh*t on Trump vs. Powell at the Federal Reserve…
POTUS popped by the Federal Reserve on Thursday (as Presidents do) to tour the Central Bank’s $2.5B reno project. And it was the gift that kept on giving…
Donny Politics and Jerry Interest Rates, both wearing hard hats (because, safety first), delivered a scene straight out of Veep…
Standing just inches apart, POTUS claimed the price tag for the job had topped $3.1B, to which J-Poww replied: “I haven’t heard that from anybody.” Trump proceeded to pull receipts out of his pocket, which he handed to J-Poww, so he could check his math in real time. And you just know it took every ounce of restraint for the President not to say, “read it and weep.”
But before the ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ theme song could play them off, the President was asked what would make him stop cyberbullying the Fed chair. His answer? “Well, I’d love him to lower interest rates”… followed by a slap on the back.
This is not AI-generated, you guys…
Absolutely incredible…
TRUMP: WELL I WOULD LOVE POWELL TO LOWER INTEREST RATES
*slaps him on the back*
— #Geiger Capital (#@Geiger_Capital)
8:16 PM • Jul 24, 2025
+ “I immediately regret this decision”
Before the ink on their $1.5B deal with Paramount was even dry, the creators of South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker went scored earth on the company that just backed up the Brinks truck for them.
Seriously… just 10 hours after signing the 10-figure deal, South Park dropped an episode eviscerating its own network and its decision to end Colbert’s late night show.
+ Speaking of Colbert’s late night program… just days after Paramount announced it would shut down the Late Show next year, the Trump administration signed off on the $8B Paramount-Skydance merger. Probably just a coincidence…
+ McDonald’s is taking a page out of the Book of Mormon. Despite its failure as a stand-alone brick-and-mortar, McDonald’s $MCD ( ▼ 0.03% ) is still trying to make CosMc drinks happen.
The stuff of RFK Jr’s. nightmares will be tested at a few hundred Golden Arches locations. You’ll be able to wash down your Snack Wraps with “dirty soda” (thanks, Mormons), flavored cold brew, and other drinks that make me bullish on Novo Nordisk.
+ Why do these things always come in threes? First Ozzy. Then Hulk. Now, Astronomer Chief People Officer Kristin Cabot. Kristin has been relieved of her duties… which, ironically, entailed ensuring her employees didn’t get into the exact predicament she is. The head of HR, who was caught not leaving any room for the Holy Spirit between her and her boss on a Coldplay Kiss Cam, reportedly resigned. And I, for one, cannot wait for the competing Netflix and Hulu docuseries on this scandal to drop.
+ US stocks “were mixed on Thursday, with the S&P 500 notching its fourth record close in a row as tech earnings from Alphabet pointed to AI as a key growth catalyst.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “rose on Thursday on the heels of recent U.S. economic data signaling that the labor market is holding up.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “rose 1% on Thursday as U.S. crude draws and expected cuts to Russian gasoline exports overwhelmed news that oil major Chevron will gain U.S. approval to renew production in Venezuela.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money thinks there’s a 52% chance X relaunches Vine in 2025. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Blackstone, Honeywell, American Airlines, Nasdaq, Union Pacific, Mobileye, L3Harris, and TotalEnergies reported in the AM
+ Intel, Coca-Cola, Deckers, Digital Realty Trust, Kinsale Capital, and Newmont reported after hours
+ The European Central Bank dropped its monetary policy statement
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ HCA Holdings, Phillips 66, and Charter Communications report before the opening bell
Yesterday, I asked, “What's the best chain restaurant/coffee shop DONUT in the game?”
43.1% of you said “Krispy Kreme.“
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Krispy Kreme: “Krispy Kreme, but only if you get them hot off the conveyor belt. The shelf-life on these nuggets is about as long is it takes for them to drop from the belt into the pan. After that, they are practically inedible.”
Dunkin: “Dunkin is king. I want a donut not the diabetes. No offense Krispy Kreme nerds”
Dunkin: “Starbucks is trash, I don't care for Krispy Kreme, never had the others.”
Krispy Kreme: “Nothing better than a hot n ready!”
Here’s today’s question…
What was the best Hulk Hogan?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.