Believe it or not, the only way I know you’re real is if you respond to an email or click a link. So, do me a solid and prove you’re real by clicking below…

Now, here’s what’s on the agenda today…

The Bureau of Labor Statistics had a record-breaking year, the new iPhone is just as lackluster as you’d expect, and Oracle has still got it.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 42 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who is as bad at their job as the Bureau of Labor Statistics. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste forward this to you? Subscribe here.

You might be bad at your job, but I promise you will never be this bad…

You cannot make this sh*t up: the Bureau of Labor Statistics overstated the total number of jobs created in the US over the past year by 911k (no, really). Honestly, I’m not even sure 420k could have made for a better headline. That’s an average of 76k jobs per month for those of you keeping score at home.

This is the biggest adjustment by the Bureau since it started keeping track. And to put things in perspective, the modification is more than 50% larger than the second biggest, dating back to the year of our lord 2002.

And maybe, just maybe, POTUS was justified in firing the head of the Bureau after all…

Speaking of the White House…

Soon after the news dropped, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was quick to remind the haters “that President Trump was right: Biden’s economy was a disaster and the BLS is broken.”

J-Poww wasn’t safe either…

“Much like the BLS has failed the American people, so has Jerome ‘Too Late’ Powell – who has officially run out of excuses and must cut the rates now.”

WTF does it mean for us?

The news will almost certainly force J-Poww’s hands at next week’s Fed meeting. A deteriorating jobs market is the kinda stuff rate cuts are made of.

Markets are pricing in a 100% chance of a 25 basis point cut… and the smart money is even starting to think there’s a non-zero chance we get a 50 bip reduction.

Spoiler: using a credit card.

Here’s EXACTLY how to do it…

No interest means you could pay off the debt faster.

Now it’s time to find the right card…

Some of the top credit card experts identified one of their favorites that puts interest on ice until nearly 2027 AND offers up to 5% cash back on qualifying purchases.

Start paying down debt faster with this top pick.

+ “Historically, we don’t deal with CEOs. Now we deal with CEOs.” - Larry Ellison during Oracle’s earnings call, reminding everyone he’s still got his fastball

Shares of Oracle $ORCL ( ▼ 0.54% ) popped 27% following a huge earnings beat a top and bottom line miss. Wait, what? You read that right… ORCL missed sky-high expectations, but shares mooned.

So, what had investors all hot and bothered? “Remaining performance obligations” (think: revenue that is contracted but not recognized yet) jumped 359% to $455B. It probably didn’t hurt that the company inked four brand new multibillion-dollar contracts with three different customers in the quarter.

If the girthy gainz hold through the close on Wednesday, it’ll mark Oracle’s biggest one-day jump since the dot-com boom.

+ “I can’t wait for a slightly improved display with a higher refresh rate, and marginally better camera ” - no one ever

Apple $AAPL ( ▲ 0.08% ) has got a lot of nerve calling its hardware event “Awe dropping” then being like “wE MaDe A ThINnEr IpHOne, YoU GuYs!”

As expected, Tim Cook announced the iPhone 17 (regular, Pro, and Pro Max) and the iPhone Air. Arguably, the biggest upgrade to the 17 is that the band around the phone is aluminum instead of titanium. Oh, and there are 5 new colors. As you might have guessed, the Air is the thinnest iPhone ever (if you’re into that kinda thing).

“So, Apple lowered the prices to reflect the general lack of innovation, right? Right?!” - you

“lol” - Tim Cook

The Pro will get a $100 price hike to $1,099, and the Air will be $100 more than the iPhone 16 Plus (technically, there is no “Plus” in the 17 series).

What else?

The child laborers at Foxconn in China are also hard at work on the brand new Apple Watch 11 series and AirPods Pro 3. The new AirPods will be able to translate speech in real time, respectively... which is more than the iPhone 17 can say.

Of course, Tim Apple failed to address the elephant in the room: the Apple Car AI. We didn’t get any significant update on Apple Intelligence, even though the new iPhones came with high-powered AI chips.

+ “Dad, tell me about that time Cracker Barrel updated like 4 of its stores to have a sleeker, more modern look…”

In another not-so-stunning reversal, Cracker Barrel $CBRL ( ▼ 1.98% ) has decided to pump the brakes on re-designing its stores to look more like a sad excuse of a mall food court. This comes just weeks after it reversed course on a logo refresh following backlash from diners … and the sitting President.

+ “One more thing: price of the brick copper going up…”

We had a yuge merger on Tuesday. Copper miners Teck Resources $TECK ( ▼ 0.48% ) and Anglo American are joining forces to create a $53B juggernaut. The industry is seeing consolidation, with both Teck and Anglo rebuffing advances from larger competitors earlier this year.

+ US stocks “hit fresh records on Tuesday as investors digested a revision to US jobs numbers that showed further labor market weakness and braced for key inflation data that could reset expectations for interest-rate cuts.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “rose on Tuesday as investors awaited two inflation reports that could influence policy decisions at the Federal Reserve.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled higher on Tuesday after the Israeli military said it carried out an attack on Hamas leadership in the Qatari capital Doha, an expansion of its military actions in the Middle East.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “inched higher on Tuesday, recouping a small measure of recent losses on growing bets that U.S. interest rate cuts were imminent, although emerging doubts over a corporate treasury strategy kept gains limited and traders cautious.” (Investing.com)

+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 6% chance the US government will confirm aliens exist in 2025. (Polymarket)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Oracle Corp, GameStop, Synopsys, Rubrik, and AeroVironment reported after the close

+ Apple held its "Awe Dropping" event

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Chewy reports before the bell

+ Quantum Corp reports after hours

+ Tapestry will hold its Investor Day

Yesterday, I asked, “You're put in a room and forced to take the most recent academic test you had to take. If you get a 70%, you get $1M. If you get below a 70% you have to retake the class. You taking that deal?”

73.4% of you said “Let's do it.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Let’s keep it simple…

Florida man down horrendous…

Oh, and one more thing…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.