Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Canada is losing 51st state privileges, Iran is about to get hit with a trade war next, and Paramount can’t get Rob Banta to come to the table.
Now, enjoy the next 3 minutes and 41 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
PS… thanks in advance for doing your part in helping keep TWC like the Fed (think: free and independent) by checking out today’s advertising partner.
Tariff Park Boys
Bah gawd, that’s Donny Tariff’s music…
Trade talks with the Great White North went Great White South last week.
And now #47 is big mad…
Donny spent his Monday morning on the toilet Truth Social launching a diss track aimed at the 51st state.
Starting January 1, 2027, tariffs on Canadian cars, trucks, auto parts, and steel are gonna double from 25% to 50% (because, math).
Oh, and ICYMI, on Saturday, the Don dropped 50% tariffs on $20B worth of Canadian exports, including but not limited to wine, cement, and *double checks notes* hockey sticks…
Canada’s greatest exports, obviously.
Apparently, Canadian PM Mark Carney is gonna have revenge “dollar for dollar,” which, great.
Per DJT, “They feel entitled, and yet, WE DON’T NEED CANADA, THEY NEED US! They do 95% of their business with the U.S., with us, the exact opposite!”
F*ck around and find out, I guess.
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+ Speaking of trade wars…
Scotty Buybacks Tariffs just rolled out “Operation Economic Outcast” yesterday.
ICYDK, that’s the new plan (with a name straight outta Mean Girls) to lock out anyone who dares do business with Iran.
Per Scott, there are zero exceptions, including for Chinese banks: “We want to make clear here today that no one is above the reach of U.S. sanctions.”
It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see how it plays out for them…
+ “Let’s handle this async” - Rob Banta, probably
More drama in the ever-developing Para-Bros merger.
CA AG Robby Banta was supposed to sit down with Paramount yesterday to talk about a settlement…
But instead, homie sent a “sike” via text (figuratively).
The HBIC of the liberal AG-enda said he was PO’d that Davey Ellison has been leaking meeting details to the public… AKA not negotiating in good faith.
TBD if Dave can get Rob back to the table.
*Nvidia $NVDA ( ▼ 2.91% ) has entered the chat*
Jensen Huang announced yesterday that it’s got the new Groq 3 LPX rack (read: AI chips, I think) in full production to launch later this year.
Friendly reminder: Obi Huang wrote a $20B check for Groq (not to be confused with Grok. Or Gork.) back in December…
And in case you’re wondering what a rack is (#metoo), apparently each rack contains 256 chips that can run 3.4k tokens per second, which, sounds fast.
Compare that to OpenAI’s “Ultrafast” ones that can only rock 750.
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> 49ers owner Jed York arrested in Ohio over weekend // What happens in Ohio…
> (Saturday) Red Lobster bringing back ‘Endless Shrimp’ deal again after bungled promotion sent chain into bankruptcy // …
> (Saturday) Apple cutting hundreds more jobs in shift toward AI // Wait, so VR was a bubble? No one could have predicted that...
> (Friday) Bitcoin surges 22% for the week as investor optimism floods back // Check on your fiat friends...
> (Friday) Trump to allow import of 300,000 metric tons of ground beef without tariff // Guess ur mom got hungry, huh?
On Friday, I asked, “How often do you shop at Walmart?”
37% of you said, “Basically never.” That’s a relief.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Basically never: “I drive past the trashy poors on my way to shop with the middle class poors.” Important distinction.
Weekly groceries: “But not regular Walmart, this is the neighborhood market so its high class.” No, it isn’t.
Basically never: “I’d rather pay a bit more than risk being shot.” Better safe than shot.
1-2x per month: “Last time I went to Walmart was during the World Cup to buy a soccer ball because I am a sheep.”
Weekly groceries: “Every f***ing day WalMart hating a**holes!! Prices are ALWAYS cheaper than the likes of Targay. Wife works there… Her 401(k) is thru the f***in roof!” Glad to see one of Sam Walton’s grandkids is a loyal reader.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
What is Canada's greatest pop culture export?
+ US stocks rose Friday (S&P 500: +0.4%) as investors steadied after a yield-driven sell-off, then slipped Monday (S&P 500: -0.3%) in mixed trade as fresh Iran sanctions, failed US-Canada trade talks, Nvidia earnings, and Jackson Hole all pulled in different directions. K-Woww, ur up.
+ The 10-year yield rose Friday as the Treasury buyback program and ballooning national debt kept the pressure on, then eased back Monday with traders parked ahead of Warsh’s Jackson Hole keynote.
+ Oil climbed Friday after Trump threatened sanctions on Iran’s trading partners, then slipped Monday as traders waited for the actual details of the “toughest ever” sanctions campaign and Tehran shrugged the whole thing off. No one cared.
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 69% (nice) chance that the FDA will approve that new skin cancer vaccine by the end of next year. (Polymarket)
Oh, and one more thing….
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