TOGETHER WITH

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Here’s what’s on the docket today…

Meta and Microsoft make it look easy, and GDP mounts a comeback in Q2. But first…

Let’s take a look back at the July 31, 2020 edition of The Water Coolest…

I shared what was arguably the bleakest economic news ever to grace your inbox. With the world balls deep in the throes of ‘rona boi, GDP for Q2 contracted by more than 32%. That is the most in recorded history, and it wasn’t particularly close.

Of course, I probably don’t need to remind you that we are so f*cking back…

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 2 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who exclusively drinks High Noons. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

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Zuck was put on this Earth (by his reptilian handlers) to do two things: beat earnings estimates… and steal AI talent from Apple. And he’s almost out of artificial intelligence researchers to poach from the iPhone maker…

Meta $META ( ▼ 2.33% ) did what it does best: steal other companies’ best app ideas print enough cash to keep investors on board with Zuck’s spending habits.

Shares jumped nearly 11.5% after the social network reported.

Why?

Because like the Michael Jackson-Josh Groban mashup you didn’t know you needed, Zuckerbot hit ‘em with the beat (on the top and bottom lines) and raise. Actually calling Meta’s complete dismantling of the Street’s estimates for profit and revenue would be an understatement. Revenue came in at $47.5B vs. $44.8B expected.

Oh, and the company that put on a masterclass in how not to respect users’ data privacy (don’t think we forgot about Cambridge Analytica), said its Q3 revenue will come in between $47.5B and $50.5B. The low end of Zuck’s range is above the Street’s high end. My god… save some for the rest of us.

Of course, all of this made investors forget all about Reality Labs’ (think: the Superintelligence Labs’ younger brother who dropped out of community college and sells pot to kids at the local high school) operating loss of $4.5B.

Meanwhile, in the Superintelligence Lab…

During the earnings call, Zuck wouldn’t STFU about the Superintelligence Labs that he paid the GDP of a small nation to assemble. It’s giving major “smoking these meats” vibes.

But it was what the Superintelligence manifesto he dropped earlier in the day that had everyone going all “ooh it all makes sense now.” Not only did Zuck throw shade at other big tech’s AI use cases (productivity tools). He believes the future is “Personal Superintelligence” delivered via “Personal devices like glasses.” Presumably the one his company produces…

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+ Satya Nadella be like “Neumann Zuckerberg!”…

Just when Microsoft $MSFT ( ▼ 0.92% ) thought there’s no way another company could steal the spotlight. That is, until Meta dropped earnings.

Still, the former employer of Sam Altman posted the kinda quarter Enron would make up in the late 90s and early 2000s: an easy beat and internal revenue expectations that bested the Street’s. Oh, and it was the first time it broke out Azure’s financials. Spoiler: they were legendary. Revenue grew 34% and topped $75B for the first time.

Oh, and as a consolation prize for living in Zuck’s shadow, the company officially entered the $4T market cap club, joining Nvidia as the only other member.

+ POTUS about to start walking around like…

Because, like Danny Almonte in the 2001 Little League World Series, the US economy cannot be stopped. Case in point: GDP grew 3% in the most recent quarter. I’ll spare you the ChatGPT query… that’s well above the 2.3% estimate, and a far cry from the -0.5% in Q1. The haters will say it’s Photoshopped.

Per usual, the American consumer put the team on their back. Spending by Americans didn’t show any signs of slowing, jumping 1.4% in the quarter. Turns out tariffs didn’t usher in the end times…

+ “That’s a no for me dawg.”

Despite the political pressure (see: awkward photo op at the Federal Reserve), J-Poww and the Fed kept rates unchanged on Wednesday. But not everyone was on board with the decision. Two Fed governors “dissented” (think: raising your hand at the wedding when the priest says, “If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.”)

Just one nonconformist is pretty rare, but two is almost unheard of. Seriously, the last time this happened at a FOMC meeting was 30 years ago.

So, yeah, it’s probably safe to assume some of the Central Bankers’ sentiment is shifting towards cutting ASAP. Speaking of cutting soon, during his press conference, Jerome said, “We have made no decisions about September."

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+ From the makers of ‘Oops All Berries Cap N Crunch’ comes ‘Oops There’s Alcohol in that Celsius’…

High Noon had to recall a bunch of vodka seltzers because they slapped a Celsius label on them by mistake. These things are gonna be more valuable on the black market than the original formula Four Lokos.

+ Jamie Dimon just threw up in his mouth a little bit… JPMorgan $JPM ( ▲ 0.16% ) announced a deal with Coinbase $COIN ( ▲ 1.53% ) that will allow customers to directly link their bank accounts to their crypto brokerage accounts.

+ Figma priced its shares above its (already increased) expected range at $33… and I swear to God if Robinhood doesn’t grant me the 5 shares I requested. FIG will begin trading later today.

+ US stocks “were mixed on Wednesday as the Federal Reserve held interest rates steady at its July meeting. Investors also digested a flood of earnings highlighted by Microsoft (MSFT) and Meta (META) in after-hours.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “moved higher on Wednesday after the Federal Reserve kept interest rates unchanged and after the U.S. economy grew at a faster-than-expected pace in the second quarter.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled 1% higher on Wednesday as investors focused on developments on U.S. President Donald Trump’s tighter deadline for Russia to end the war in Ukraine and his tariff threats to countries that trade its oil.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money thinks there’s an 11% chance the US makes at least 10 trade deals before Friday. (Kalshi)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ The Fed meeting ended, and we got an interest rate decision and a J-Poww presser

+ Altria, ADP, Hershey, Etsy, Garmin, Kraft Heinz, GE, Fiverr, Wingstop, Humana, UBS, and GSK reported before the bell

+ Microsoft, Meta, Robinhood, Qualcomm, Arm, Grab, Carvana, Ford, eBay, Western Digital, and Public Storage reported in the PM

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Mastercard, AbbVie, Ferrari, Roblox, S&P, CVS Health, Shell, Cameco, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Unilever, Cigna, KKR, Comcast, Howmet, Sirius XM, Builders FirstSource, Southern Company, and Air Products and Chemicals report in the AM

+ Amazon, Apple, Coinbase, MicroStrategy, Reddit, Cloudflare, Roku, First Solar, Riot, KLA-Tencor, Innodata, Enovix, Stryker, Paramount, Monolithic Power Systems, and Lumen report after the bell

+ The core PCE price index (The Fed's favored inflation gauge) report for June will be released

Yesterday, I asked, “Modelez and Hershey can only produce one. Which do you want?”

57.8% of you said “Reese's Oreo Cup.“

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.