TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Iran and JD Vance just can’t seem to get it together, Dario Amodei is going on a fence-mending White House tour, and Blue Origin just embarrassed us in front of the aliens.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 21 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Strait Sike
Iran Friday: “Strait’s open.”
Iran Sunday: “Sike.”
Iran today: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
On Friday, Donny Promises dropped the bomb news that Iran had agreed to suspend its nuclear program indefinitely, which, if true, mission accomplished. Time to dust off the George W. Bush banner…
At the time, it seemed the Strait was open for business, and the deal was all but done.
If only…
On Sunday, Tehran went all “the Strait is open… not” and denied that it would be participating in more peace talks with JD Vance. That came just hours after #47 announced the sit-down.
Live look at POTUS…
Cue the vital fossil fuel artery closing down again. The Strait out here rivaling the downtime of a McFlurry machine.
Oh, and just in case you hate oil below $100 per barrel, the US went ahead and attacked/seized an Iranian-flagged cargo ship in the Gulf of Oman yesterday. So we got that going for us, which is nice.
In the words of the one and only Tom Wambsgans, “Buckle up f*ckleheads…”
Apple’s Starlink Update Sparks Huge Earning Opportunity
Apple just secretly added Starlink satellite support to iPhones through iOS 18.3.
One of the biggest potential winners? Mode Mobile.
Mode’s EarnPhone already reaches 490M+ users that have earned over $1B, and that’s before global satellite coverage. With SpaceX eliminating "dead zones," Mode's earning technology can now reach billions more in unbanked and rural populations worldwide.
Their global expansion is perfectly timed, and investors like you still have a chance to invest in their pre-IPO offering at $0.50/share.
With their recent 32,481% revenue growth and newly reserved Nasdaq ticker, Mode is one step closer to a potential IPO.
Ad disclaimers below*
+ Dario Amodei and Uncle Sam are doing their best to mend fences, which is totally understandable to anyone who has ever tried switching from Claude to ChatGPT…
Anthropic’s CEO was reportedly set to meet up with COSOTUS (that’s Chief of Staff of the US for the uninitiated) on Friday.
Apparently, Anthropic’s new Mythos AI model is so terrifying that the government needs a heads-up… even after blacklisting Claude. Way to take the high road, Dario.
+ “Worth it.” - every CEO who cuts jobs for a 2% stonk bump, probably
Mark Zuckerbot is on the warpath again. Turns out spring cleaning, aka yuge layoffs, are on the menu for about 10% of Meta’s $META ( ▲ 1.73% ) workforce (think: ~8k employees).
May 20 is D-Day for a whole lot of overpaid hard-working Meta employees, as Marky Mark shifts even more resources to AI. Friendly reminder: reports have surfaced that Meta is planning to cut over 20% of its workforce this year…
Yesterday, Blue Origin yeeted another rocket and satellite into orbit… kinda. Oh, and they successfully recycled one of their New Glenn reusable rockets for the first time, too (sorry, Elon). Which sounds pretty good, until you realize they *checks notes* put the satellite in the wrong orbit.
Yep, the BlueBird 7 satellite technically made it into orbit, but it just wasn’t the orbit that BO had mapped out…
The (extremely expensive) satellite hit an altitude that was “lower than planned” and will now have to come crashing and burning back down to Earth. AST SpaceMobile (think: Blue Origin’s customer) about to leave a terrible Yelp review...
+ In his defense… USA, USA, USA.
Partyboy FBI Director Kash Patel is making plans to sue The Atlantic over an article claiming he’s a degenerate alcoholic. Gooba, gabba, one of us. That’s right, the legend pictured below refutes all claims of excessive drinking…
Per Kash: “We are not going to take this lying down,” which, coincidentally, is a line I wrote in my letter for his intervention…
> OnlyFans in talks to sell stake in deal that values porn empire at $3B (NY Post) // I think they call that the money shot in the biz…
> American Airlines Says It’s Not Interested in United Merger (Bloomberg) // She’s just not that into you…
> Obesity Drugmaker Kailera Soars 63% After $625 Million IPO (Bloomberg) // Seems a bit bloated…
> Now do Radioshack…
On Friday, I asked, “How many streaming entertainment subscriptions are you up to? Think: Netflix, Hulu, Spotify, Paramount+, HBO, YouTube Premium, etc.”
46.7% of you said, “2-5.” This is the new normal…
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
5-10: “And f*ck you for making me realize how many I have.” I’m here for you.
Zero: “Cut all cords about 18 months ago. Psst the WiFi box can spy on you.” This you?
5-10: “They all seem to suck me in with at least one good show and then I keep forgetting to cancel or am too lazy when I have watched the season.” You just described the actual business model.
10+: “Flix, Prime, Hulu, HBO Max, Paramount+, Peacock, Disney+, Spotify (son), Sirius (wife), Apple Music (daughter) Can’t make this up, going to cry now :(” Just say no.
2-5: “TV Shows + Movies: 3 Music: 1 Publications: 2 OnlyFans: 69.” Legend.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Happy 4/20 you degens... Anyone out there willing to admit to celebrating today?
+ US stocks “scaled record highs and U.S. Treasuries surged on Friday, after Iran said the Strait of Hormuz was open for passage during a ceasefire in Lebanon and U.S. President Donald Trump said he expected to reach a deal to end the war soon.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “fell on Friday as Iran said maritime traffic could pass through the Strait of Hormuz after Israel and Lebanon agreed to a 10-day ceasefire, easing investor concerns that global inflation would push higher and economic activity weaken.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “on Friday had bounced off their session lows but were still deep in the red, after Iran and the U.S. declared the Strait of Hormuz temporarily open, removing constraints on a critical shipping bottleneck that has sparked worries over a widespread inflation spike.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s a 5% chance that Trump renames the Strait of Hormuz the “Strait of Trump” by May 31. (Polymarket)
⏪ On Friday…
+ Ally Financial and Truist Financial reported before the opening bell
+ Boeing held its annual meeting
+ The Federal Reserve blackout period ahead of its next meeting began. Fun fact: I used to have blackout periods in college, too.
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Nano-X and Cleveland-Cliffs report before the bell
+ AGNC Investment reports after hours
+ The three-day Adobe Summit will begin. Let me guess… AI-enabled PDFs?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
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