Hey there weekday warriors,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Oil is still down (up) real bad, Tinder and Bumble are chasing AI matchmaking, and Live Nation really does hate us all.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 46 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Strait of No-muz
Define “daddy issues”…
Iran’s new supreme leader (not this Supreme Leader) is doubling down on the whole “road closed” policy for the Strait of Hormuz.
Mojtaba Khamenei, son of the NYT’s favorite Ayatollah (Ali Khamenei), made his first public statement after being appointed to the new role. And it’s all about maintaining a BJ Penn-level chokehold on the Strait.
Oh, and even weirder… he’s doing it from a verified X account. Grok, is that legal?
Three foreign ships were attacked early yesterday in the Strait, and Iran’s military spokesperson threatened $200 barrel prices (which, yikes).
So what’s an oil-dependent nation to do?
This, probably…
Oh, and Scott Bessent went all “not on my watch.” SecTreas said the US Navy is gearing up to start escorting ships through the danger zone (sup, Top Gun fans) as soon as “militarily possible.”
Markets did not take the news well yesterday. Brent crude jumped 9% back above $100 per barrel.
Hold on. Let this guy cook…
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+ “This is what dating was missing.” - nobody
Big day for dating apps and tech nerds yesterday. First, Tinder announced a whole new suite of AI features, including real-time video speed-dating (you guys remember Omegle?). And the new “Chemistry” feature will use AI to make matches on user info and “photo insights” (read: no uggos).
Bumble $BMBL ( ▼ 1.05% ) dropped its own AI chatbot plans. The Bumble bot “Bee” will act as a full-on matchmaker on the ladies-first dating app in an app “overhaul.” ICYMI, Bumble dropped solid Q4 earnings on Wednesday before following the AI buzzword playbook (spoiler: stock went up).
+ PR team working overtime rn…
New court documents from the Epstein files DOJ’s antitrust case against Live Nation $LYV ( ▼ 3.96% ) just dropped, and… this isn’t going to help in the court of public opinion.
Turns out we’ve now got Slack messages between Live Nation execs bragging about “price gouging,” “robbing them [us] blind,” and calling purchasers “so stupid.” Which, these guys really got off easy with this settlement, huh?
Longtime Adobe $ADBE ( ▼ 7.58% ) CEO Shantanu Narayen is making plans to step down once a successor is named (will still remain board chair, tho). The news comes after a pretty, pretty decent earnings report from Figma-we-have-at-home.
Yesterday, Photoshop & Co. reported an earnings and revenue beat for the quarter, with revenue up 12% YoY. Which sounds good, until you realize shares are down nearly 23% in 2026…
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This is the card travel nerds won’t shut the f*ck up about. See the card everyone’s using to travel for less…
Spoiler: TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. Hint, hint.
> BuzzFeed Explores Strategic Options to Stave Off Insolvency (Bloomberg) // BuzzFeed? *takes drag of cigarette* I haven’t heard that name in years
> Tesla Converts xAI Investment Into SpaceX Stake Ahead of IPO (Bloomberg) // TSLA retail investors (me) telling everyone they invested in SpaceX pre-IPO…
> Lucid unveils two-seat robotaxi without a steering wheel or pedals (NY Post) // “No launch timeline was provided.”
> Uber Courts Business Users With New Premium Chauffeur Ride Option (Bloomberg) // You guys don’t already have a chauffeur? Hmm…
> Cue a sad chart…
Yesterday I asked, “What's the unbeatable guilty pleasure pizza? I'm not talking about the kind of pizza you get on a date. I'm talking about the pizza you get on a Friday night to eat in your underwear in lieu of a mental breakdown after a helluva week...”
27.3% of you said, “Something local (fancy pants).” And I cannot BELIEVE this beat Domino’s (24%). Who are you people?
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Domino’s: “The thin crust is like crack (not pizza).” I love when people say “like crack” who obviously have never done crack.
Pizza Hut: “The big caveat with all of these is whether or not your local store cooks it right. But if they do, Pizza Hut is better than the rest by a mile.” Let me guess… you live in the Midwest?
Other (write-in): “Papa Murphy's squad, rise up.” Knew one of you would out yourself.
Frozen pizza: “Frozen is the fastest to my mouth. Time is an important factor when you decide to eat something by yourself. Jack's supreme thin for the win.” There’s at least 2 “that’s what she saids” in there.
Domino’s: “I literally tell people I order this if I want to hate myself. I just can’t quit it.” This person understood the assignment.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
I couldn't believe how many of you bother to cook a frozen pizza yourself during my hypothetical Friday breakdown. Made me wonder... on the average weekend (Friday dinner-Sunday dinner), what's your dine out/takeout to cooking ratio?
+ US stocks “fell on Thursday, as Iranian strikes on two oil tankers sent crude prices surging toward $100 per barrel, further exacerbating inflation fears and sending investors fleeing equity markets.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “rose on Thursday as investors weighed the latest developments in the U.S.-Iran war and the inflationary risk posed by rising oil prices.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “rose sharply on Thursday and hit the key $100 per barrel level, after Iran’s new leader Mojtaba Khamenei warned that a critical waterway for global shipping will remain closed as the U.S. and Israel continue an assault of the country.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks Marco Rubio has a solid chance (16%) at winning the 2028 Presidential Election. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Dollar General, Dick's, Li Auto, and Futu Holdings reported before the opening bell
+ Adobe, Rubrik, SentinelOne, Ulta Beauty, Lennar, Surf Air Mobility, and Wheaton Precious Metals reported after hours
+ Lucid Group hosted an Investor Day
+ The SXSW Conference got underway in Austin, Texas
+ The February Producer Price Index report was released
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ The core PCE price index report for January will drop
Oh, and one more thing…
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Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
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