Hey there weekday warrior,
Palantir is slinging hardware now, and may God have mercy on the souls of bad guys everywhere.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 13 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Stop trying to make AI assistants happen
Tim Cook taking a page out of the Apple Car playbook…
An Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 0.25% ) spokesperson said on Friday that Siri’s AI makeover will be delayed until 2026. Probably just a coincidence that the decision dropped a few weeks after a lukewarm reception to Amazon’s Alexa AI “upgrade.”
You might recall (but probably not) that Siri was going to get the AI treatment as part of the Apple Intelligence rollout that began last year. Apple had grand plans of allowing Siri to take action for you in other apps (vs. its current use case which is just 60+-year-old men shouting ‘Hey Siri’ in crowded places before getting frustrated and asking their adult children to complete the task for them).
It was also supposed to use “personal context” which would allow Siri to fill out forms and get sh*t done for you on the interwebs. Oh, so Autofill?
During a preview, Tim Apple showed Siri’s ability to book a lunch for you after your flight landed (clearly this was in 2024 because flying has been a little touch and go in the year of our lord 2025). Side note: can anyone out there building AI apps promise me two things"?
1) Your product demo won’t be booking a trip… it’s ALWAYS a goddamn trip
2) You won’t use the “✨️” in your logo
“Siri, how can we ruin Steve Jobs’ legacy?”
This is just the latest AI nightmare Apple is dealing with. You might recall that Apple had to roll back its News Summaries after it began going rogue and spewing Onion headlines.
Plus, let’s not forget its Apple Intelligence rollout just reeked of desperation. Friendly reminder: most AI features didn’t ship with the iPhone 16.
And to answer your next question, yes OpenAI already debuted a similar AI assistant that actually works and will be running laps around Apple by the time they finally launch.
+ Let’s play a game: which one’s scarier… the PLTR dip or Alex Karp building AI WMDs?
Palantir $PLTR ( ▼ 2.52% ) just rolled out its first two AI-powered TITAN systems (AI engineers, take notes… that’s how you name dope sh*t) to the US Army as part of its $178M defense contract. The new systems (think: two big-*ss trucks) are equipped with AI to analyze satellite battlefield intel in real-time. The Palantir deal includes the development of 10 total TITAN systems.
But Alex Karp isn’t the only one scoring lucrative Pentagon AI deals (… before DOGE has a chance to start poking around). Last week, Scale AI announced its own cushy DOD deal to develop AI agents for military planning and operations. “Thunderforge” (another top-tier name) will be a collab with Anduril and Microsoft $MSFT ( ▼ 0.92% ) to deploy AI warfare strategy agents.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we don’t have free healthcare in the US…
+ The February BLS jobs report dropped Friday, and I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.
The US added 151k jobs, missing expectations of 170k. Meanwhile, unemployment hit 4.1%, and the metric that tracks part-time workers who want to go full-time but can’t find FTE jumped 8% to 4.9M. That’s the highest it’s been since October of 2021.
Health care (+52k jobs) and financial activities (+21k) led the way in job creation. Meanwhile, retail posted a 6k job decline. Despite the DOGE blood bath, federal government employment only dropped by ~10k in February. Spoiler: future months will reflect the purge layoffs.
+ “It ain’t much, but it’s honest work.” - Fuzzy Panda
Short-seller Fuzzy Panda Research (which sounds more like a creative agency in Williamsburg) sent a strongly worded letter to the S&P 500 Index Committee demanding that AppLovin $APP ( ▲ 0.15% ) be removed for fraudulent tactics. They sound like they’re fun at parties…
+ “IPOs? *takes drag of cigarette* I haven’t heard that name in years.” Digital physical (wait, what?) therapy company Hinge Health is looking to IPO as early as this week. And when it sees its shadow we’ll get 6 more fiscal quarters of IPO winter.
+ Apparently Meta $META ( ▼ 2.33% ) has a secret blacklist of former employees that they won’t hire again. In real life shadowban.
+ The DOJ dropped its case to force Google $GOOGL ( ▼ 0.41% ) to sell its investments in AI companies, including Anthropic. They still might make Sundar sell Chrome, though…
+ College hopefuls have a new ultimate dream school — and it’s not Harvard. Hustler’s University.
+ Meet the 21-year-old helping coders use AI to cheat in Google and other tech job interviews. Not all heroes wear capes.
🔥The No. 1 communication mistake people make at work, from a Wharton psychologist—it can damage your reputation. Going into the office…
FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.
+ US stocks “seesawed on Friday to cap a volatile week on Wall Street as investors digested a crucial monthly jobs report amid uncertainty driven by President Trump's trade policy.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “advanced Friday as investors digested a February nonfarm payrolls report that showed weaker-than-expected jobs growth and the latest commentary from Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices gained on Friday but retreated from session highs after U.S. President Donald Trump threatened sanctions on Russia if it fails to reach a cease-fire with Ukraine.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin “fell on Monday as volatility in the price of the world’s largest cryptocurrency continues following an executive order signed by President Donald Trump to create a strategic bitcoin reserve for the United States.“ (CNBC)
+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Visa +0.3% 2) Nvidia +1.9% 3) Hims & Hers Health +4.5%
⏪ On Friday…
+ The February US jobs report dropped
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ BioNtech reports before the bell
+ Oracle and Asana report after the bell
+ South by Southwest gets underway
+ President Trump is scheduled to meet with the CEOs of HP, Intel, IBM, and Qualcomm
Friday, I asked, “Did we ACTUALLY land on the moon in 1969?”
Yes won with 76.4% of the vote.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Yes: “We certainly did. It's the one real thing in this world Lloyd Chrismas was rightfully excited about.”
No: “I watched it as a kid and clearly remember my Air Force Pilot Dad saying it was fake.”
Yes: “I'm old. I watched it with my own eyes. And i'm not part of the generation that makes up conspiracies. ”
No: “1. There's no proven way to get through the Van Allen belt without harming a human 2. Elon says if we tried to go today, you cannot supply enough fuel...so how did we do it 60 years ago?”
And here’s today’s question…
Thank you for your service, Ray…
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.