Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Tim Cook doesn’t have senoritis, March PCE is here and… it’s bad, and GLP-1s are fueling Hershey growth, somehow.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 18 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Steve who?
“Who wants to see some of that classified next level sh*t?” - Tim Cook, parody
All eyes were on Apple $AAPL ( ▲ 0.44% ) earnings yesterday for the first report we’ve gotten since the announcement of Tim Apple’s upcoming retirement.
And it was a banger across the board (nearly).
That’s good for the legacy, Tim…
Temu Steve Jobs served up an earnings and revenue beat for the quarter, with literally every product line beating revenue expectations… except for one.
The iPhone brought up the rear with a slight miss (think: $56.9B revenue vs. $57.2B expected).
Which, how is the iPad hitting its goals, and the best phone in the game isn’t? *the Android boyz have left the chat*
And Apple is making it rain on shareholders. The board signed off on $100B in additional stock repurchases and hiked the dividend 4%.
But don’t for a second expect the good times to come to an end. Guidance for the current quarter came in above the Street’s guesstimates. Which makes sense.
Tim is leaving Johnny Ternus with a girthy pipeline of new products (think: iPhone 17e, iPad Air with M4 chip, MacBook Neo).
Plus, a foldable iPhone. Right, John? Right?
Your company needs a must-read newsletter. Here's why.
Your social followers? Rented. Your SEO traffic? One algorithm update from a bloodbath. Your paid ads? They stop working the second you stop paying.
A newsletter is the only channel you actually own.
The smartest companies have caught on. A great newsletter builds trust at scale, shortens sales cycles, keeps your brand top of mind between buying windows, and turns readers into customers, partners, and hires.
We know because we've built one of the biggest newsletters in business news. The same playbook that makes hundreds of thousands of pros open us every morning is the one we run for B2B brands and financial services firms.
The Water Coolest didn't get there by accident. We got there by obsessing over the stuff most brands get wrong: subject lines that actually get opened, copy that doesn't read like a press release, and a sending strategy built for inbox placement.
Now we're running newsletters for select B2B and financial services brands.
Done for you strategy, copywriting, design, deliverability, and growth. You get an operator-led team that's built, scaled, and exited newsletters.
If your newsletter is a line item nobody's proud of, let's talk. Tell us a little about your newsletter goals, and we’ll be in touch.
+ *Core PCE data drops*
Kevin Warsh: “I’m about to trim that so hard…”
Surprise, surprise, inflation accelerated in March because of, you know… war and whatnot. Core PCE jumped 0.3% last month, bringing things up to a 3.2% increase over the last year.
Meanwhile, missionary PCE (think: add in March’s volatile oil and gas situation) popped 0.7% last month. That’s the largest PCE gain since 2022. Which means 12-month PCE shot up 3.5%. Friendly reminder, incoming Fed chair K-Poww doesn’t give an eff about core PCE… so we got that going for our shot at a rate cut, which is nice…
+ And I thought this was the worst thing Ozempic ever did…
Turns out Ozempic is driving sales for *checks notes* Hershey $HSY ( ▼ 1.81% ). The OG s’mores creator reported earnings yesterday, and it turns out GLP-1s are actually driving higher sales of mints and gum over the quarter. And yes, Hershey also beat on the top and bottom lines.
But back to the disgusting good part. Apparently, beyond ruining faces, teeth, beautiful celebrities, and lives, those miracle semaglutides also trigger dry mouth, sulfur burps, and halitosis for our esteemed obese colleagues. Which, cool. Sales of HSY’s Ice Breakers products were up 8% for the quarter, thanks to bad breath.
+ The Senate just gave themselves a new ban on par with No Nut November (think: ain’t no one following those rules no matter what they tell you).
Senators and staff are now banned from trading on prediction markets, which, how in the f*ck was that not already some type of rule? Per literal millionaire Chuck Schumer, “We must never allow Congress to turn into a casino where members representing the public can gamble on wars or economic crises or elections.” Lol.
Your move, House of Reps…
Hiring in 8 countries shouldn't require 8 different processes
This guide from Deel breaks down how to build one global hiring system. You’ll learn about assessment frameworks that scale, how to do headcount planning across regions, and even intake processes that work everywhere. As HR pros know, hiring in one country is hard enough. So let this free global hiring guide give you the tools you need to avoid global hiring headaches.
> TikTok’s new ‘Campus Hub’ features college group chats and feeds (TechCrunch) // In my day, we called this Yik Yak, and people got expelled over it…
> ‘The Apprentice’ — with Don Jr. as host — being discussed as Amazon explores reboot (NY Post) // Make it about Barron’s Yerba Mate empire, or I’m not watching.
> Meta tanks 9%, Alphabet climbs 7% as each company raises capex spend (CNBC) // It’s not about what you spend in capex… it’s about not being Zuck.
> Trump Says He Doesn’t Care If Powell Remains on Fed Board (Bloomberg) // Uh huh, sure.
> I think they meant World War “Eleven,” right Ilhan?
Yesterday, I asked, “How much are you using AI these days?”
40.6% of you said, “Rarely. I use it every now and then, but nothing routine.” I’m actually surprised by this…
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Rarely. I use it every now and then, but nothing routine: “Hallucinations are a real concern over here in accounting.” Well then, you should probably get off the acid, bud.
Never. I resist the robots: “Unless I’m forced by gun point by a robot. Yes, I will die on this hill. Don’t care if it’s alone. It’ll be the last original human thought. 😉” Glad to hear from our Amish weekday warrior.
Rarely. I use it every now and then, but nothing routine: “I use it only when I need an answer to a specific, non-work-related question that requires more analysis than just a basic google search.” I think this is where a LOT of people are.
Constantly. It handles a good chunk of my work/personal life: “People rarely using AI probably still have a land line.” Ok, fair, but landlines were the best.
Rarely. I use it every now and then, but nothing routine: “I fly commercial jets. The day AI comes for my job is the day I start an OF.” Might wanna lock in your handle now.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
I need to understand how Apple is doing this. What is your personal tech setup?
+ US stocks “advanced on Thursday and the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq logged their biggest monthly gains in years as solid corporate earnings offset the war-related oil supply shock that has rattled markets and sent crude prices to four-year highs.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “moved lower on Thursday as first-quarter gross domestic product expanded by less than Wall Street economists had expected.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “slipped on Thursday, but was on track to end April with a solid advance after some of their biggest gains on record in March. A continued shuttering of the critical Strait of Hormuz despite ceasefire extensions in the Middle East has kept supply disrupted.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) still thinks that there’s a 48% chance that Jerome Powell leaves the Fed board this year. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Eli Lilly, Mastercard, Caterpillar, Merck, Altria, Bristol Myers Squibb, Crocs, Royal Caribbean, Hershey, Cigna, L3Harris Technologies, ConocoPhillips, T. Rowe Price, Wayfair, Quanta Services, Southern Company, Sirius XM, Valero Energy, Air Products and Chemicals, Blue Owl Capital, Carrier Global, Builders FirstSource, Cardinal Health, Intercontinental Exchange, Vision Marine Technologies, Iron Mountain, Parker-Hannifin, Trane Technologies, and Illinois Tool Works reported before the bell
+ Apple, Reddit, Rivian, Zeta Global, SNDL, Western Digital, Roblox, Roku, First Solar, Twilio, Atlassian, Riot Platforms, Amgen, Stryker, Monolithic Power Systems, DexCom, AXT Inc., GoDaddy, Agnico Eagle Mines, Clorox, and Illumina reported after the bell
+ Roblox's new Plus subscription, priced at $4.99 per month, launched
+ The April core PCE price index report was released. Economists forecasted an increase to 3.3% for the core rate
+ The European Central Bank released its policy statement
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Chevron, Exxon Mobil, Moderna, Estee Lauder, Colgate-Palmolive, Linde, Dominion Energy, and LyondellBasell Industries report before the opening bell
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of a guy with a Nano Banana account and a wild imagination. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.