Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on the agenda today…
Pour one out for the penny, the end of the longest government shutdown in US history, and Kim K. is doing amazing, sweetie.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 11 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
RIP Penny
The US officially killed the OG sh*tcoin.
Yesterday, the US mint in Philly pressed the last-ever penny. But, have no fear, street beggars… it’s still legal tender.
That ends a 232-year run for America’s one-cent coin, featuring Honest Abe.
Why tho?
POTUS cited the cost of pennies as the main reason to halt production when he made the decision back in February.
Turns out it costs 3.6 cents to make every penny. Ok, but have they tried outsourcing production to China? The US Treasurer said the move will save taxpayers $56M (yes, that’s an M, not a B).
The math ain’t mathing anymore…
Not everyone is happy though…
Mostly take a penny-leave a penny enthusiasts. But also some retailers, especially those dealing with lots of cash, will need to figure out how to charge customers and give change once pennies go the way of the $2 bill.
McDonald’s has a solution, though: they’ll just round to the nearest 5 cents: “This means that if a customer pays with cash at one of these locations, and their order comes out to $10.22, they will pay $10.20. However, if an order comes out to $10.23, then the cash-paying customer will owe $10.25.”
+ Good news: no more listening to those insufferable civil servants in the US government complain about “nOt BeInG aBLe To AFFoRd My KiD’s MeDicAtION.”
The proposed funding bill made it through the House last night and hit Donny Politics’ desk for signature not long after, ending the longest government shutdown in US history.
This didn’t actually fix the problem, though. It was a short-term funding bill that makes this a “February 2026 problem.”
+ “Hi Sharks, I’m seeking $225M for 22% of my company to expand my line of pubic hair thongs.”
Kim K. can’t pass the bar, but it appears she’s an absolute savage in the boardroom. The former mattress actress raised $225M at a $5B valuation for her shapewear brand, Skims. That’s up from $4B in 2023. And before you call bullsh*t on a company that makes nipple piercing bras… Skims is expected to hit $1B in annual sales this year.
+ Fed President Raphael Bostic is hanging up his deal sleds when his term ends in March. He was eligible for another 6-year term, but presumably realized the measly pay wasn’t worth it now that he can’t get his Nancy Pelosi on.
You might remember he was at the center of a Fed controversy related to financial disclosure (or lack thereof). A few years earlier, similar f*ckery cost two of his colleagues their jobs.
A lot of people in DC felt that the controversy made Bostic’s reappointment damn near impossible. And POTUS probably won’t be too sad to see Raph ride off into the sunset. As of late, Bostic’s been critical of additional rate cuts, pointing to stubborn inflation.
+ Fugayzi, fugazi. It's a whazy. It's a woozie. It's fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's never landed. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not f*cking real.
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters yesterday that we may never get the delayed October CPI report thanks to the government shutdown.
+ “Those are rooking numbers in this racket” - Sam Altman
Anthropic announced plans to invest $50B in data center build-outs across the US beginning next year. Meanwhile, OpenAI has committed to *checks notes* $1.4T in infrastructure spend.
+ The only thing On (the running shoes) hates more than Nike is poor people…
Shares of On $ONON ( ▲ 17.99% ) popped after reporting a beat and a raise. It probably didn’t hurt that On said it won’t offer any sales during the holiday quarter because it’s a premium product.
+ US stocks “were mixed on Wednesday as the longest government shutdown on record neared an end.” (Bloomberg)
+ The 10-year yield was “lower on Wednesday as investors welcomed progress on bringing an end to the government shutdown.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices fell more than $2 a barrel on Wednesday, weighed down by an OPEC report saying global oil supply will match demand in 2026, marking a further shift from its earlier projections of a supply deficit.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 49% chance Jesus Christ returns before GTA 6 is released. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Circle and On Holdings reported in the AM
+ Cisco, Serve Robotics, and Dlocal reported after hours
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Disney, JD.com, Ondas, Bitfarms, Brookfield, Sharplink, and Bilibili report before the opening bell
+ Nu Holdings, Applied Materials, Red Cat, and Quantum report after the bell
Yesterday, I asked, “Do you wear a wearable?”
46.9% of you said, “No, I raw dog life.”
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Other: “Samsung watch because I recognized the cultish behavior of Apple back in the early 2000's!”
Yup, Apple Watch: “Apple Watch and an Oura ring, but I check the Oura app maybe once a week if I remember. Not for everybody I guess.”
No, I raw dog life: “Is it bad that I didn't know what a wearable was?”
Oura Ring: “But I had it before it was cooool, man. I’m grandfathered into no monthly subscription fee, maaan.”
No, I raw dog life: “I really don't need a device to tell me I got sh*tty sleep (Oura ring) or tell me I worked out hard (fitness tracker) as i'm gasping for air at the end of a workout.”
Fitness tracker (Fitbit, Garmin, etc.): “Garmin user because I love being told every morning that I slept like sh*t, my two hours of working out yesterday wasn’t good enough and I’m a failure to my family lineage.”
Here’s today’s question…
You eat out at restaurants for free forever, BUT every time you order something at any restaurant, your meal will be wrong in some way (wrong drink, no pickles, hot sauce too hot), and you HAVE to eat it as is. Do you:
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.