TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… SMCI f*cked around and is about to find out, Amazon just won’t leave the Fire Phone where it belongs (in 2014), and Elon is in big trouble for old, misleading Tweets.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 54 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
SMCI FAFO
Giphy
“Honey, you got my money chips taped to your boobs. Technically, you do work for me.”
Remember that time short-seller Hindenburg Research called out Super Micro Computer $SMCI ( ▲ 5.11% ) for avoiding Chinese chip sanctions (among other things… like major accounting fraud)?
Turns out the short seller was wrong: the scale of SMCI’s f*ckery was much more epic than originally reported.
Shares fell more than 33% Friday on news that three SMCI associates, including one of its founders, had been smuggling AI chips to China. The US DOJ charged the 2 employees and 1 contractor… but not the company itself (… yet).
And we aren’t just talking about a few chips, you guys. The charges allege that the 3 amigos sent more than $2.5B worth of US AI technology (you know, the kind that’s been banned since 2022) to the People’s Republic.
In case you were wondering, the scheme did not involve human chip mules… although I’m sure they did consider it. The smuggling campaign involved a whole lot less lube: the trio would ship semis to non-sanctioned countries, switch them to non-descript boxes, and send them on their way to China.
This isn’t SMCI’s first rodeo…
It’s done some pretty sketchy stuff in the past… like when it failed to report earnings for a couple of quarters, and EY refused to sign off on its financials back in 2024. Then, last year, it “uncovered” more financial control issues.
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+ “Sent from my Fire Phone” - nobody, ever
Well, it looks like I’m gonna have to update the closing joke of The Water Coolest now… don’t scroll down there. Andy Jassy and the previously failed smartphone crew over at Amazon $AMZN ( ▲ 2.32% ) are giving the Fire Phone a second chance (unlike your mom after your dad cheated with that secretary at work).
For those too young to remember, the Fire Phone flopped hard in the year of our lord 2014. The whole project was so terrible that it was scrapped within a year of launching. Now, Alexa and co. are making a comeback with the “Transformer.” No definitive info on a timeline…
+ It’s called “negotiating,” sweetie, look it up…
Elon Musk just got b*tch slapped by the jury on that one class action lawsuit. You remember… the one accusing our ex-VP of defrauding Twitter shareholders? A CA jury decided against Mr. Tesla $TSLA ( ▲ 3.5% ) himself, declaring Elon’s Tweets were “materially false or misleading” as he sent share prices plummeting in the run-up to the Twitter takeover.
Damages for the world’s first trillionaire (almost) could hit up to $2.6B. And yes, Elon’s lawyers are obviously already appealing. Which, does any lawsuit ever actually end?
+ Doomsday Clock: ~14 hours remaining
In case you didn’t spend the weekend monitoring the situation in Iran, Donny Diplomacy let us know that, yes, we’re still doing this thing. Truth Social Poster-in-Chief said on Saturday that the US is coming for Iran’s power plants next if we can’t get the Strait of Hormuz back open… in 48 hours. Does anyone else go straight to Polymarket, or am I a complete degen?
Per #47, “If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the Strait of Hormuz, within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST!”
Anyone tracking the Pentagon-area pizza situation today?
You need a side hustle.
How do I know? Because everyone needs one. Never forget: your full-time job doesn't care about you.
You may be dedicated to your work, but it can leave you high and dry at any moment.
Your side hustle(s) will always be there for you.
> Elon Musk’s bold move that could upend TSA workers’ pay standoff amid DHS shutdown (NY Post) // Spoiler: Elon is not going to pay TSA workers’ salaries.
> Big Brother bank: JPMorgan is reportedly tracking junior bankers’ hours with new surveillance tech after concerns about exhaustion (NY Post) // The white collar workplace situation just keeps getting better and better…
> ‘Project Hail Mary’ Becomes Amazon’s Highest-Grossing Film Debut (Bloomberg) // No one tell Donny that ‘Melania’ got outperformed…
> Paging Dr. Michael Burry…
On Friday, I asked, “What's the one chore you kind of hope a robot DOESN'T take away from you?”
48.1% of you said, “Lawn care/gardening” Boy, am I glad to hear this group touches grass.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Lawn care/gardening: “Mowing my lawn is one of the only times I get some actual peace and quiet.” It’s man’s last refuge.
Doing laundry: “I need the right amount of fabric softener bro. I can't take the chance on a robot not measuring correctly." Rare fabric softener shoutout…
Taking out the trash: “For a married man, proactively taking out the garbage sits at the apex of 'least amount of effort' and 'gets you appreciation'. It is the efficient horizon of household chores." This guy marries.
Other (write-in): “There is no chore on that list I wouldn't be happy if it was done by someone/something else." Please don’t take offense to this but… do you even have a yard?
Other (write-in): “Keeping the wife satisfied!” Hold up… So is it a chore or not?
Here’s today’s question(s)…
People keep talking about Project Hail Mary, and I'll be honest... it might be tempting enough to get me to actually go to a movie theater again. What's the best movie theater experience?
- Standard movie theater. Popcorn, candy, normal seats.
- Food & drink focused theater (think: Alamo Drafthouse). It's really about the nachos, beer, and comfy seats. Movie is just background.
- Imax (for the experience purists)
- Vintage-style movie theaters. Old movies for hipsters.
- NEVER going to movie theaters. I only watch movies in the comfort of my own home, even if it means waiting.
- Other (write-in)
+ US stocks “ended sharply lower on Friday, with the S&P 500 closing at its lowest in six months, as the U.S.-Israeli war against Iran entered its fourth week, deepening worries about inflation and the potential for higher interest rates.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “jumped on Friday as investors began to fear that the Federal Reserve may not lower interest rates at all this year, as the war in the Middle East threatens to drive inflation higher.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices jumped on Friday and settled at their highest in nearly four years, as Iraq declared force majeure on all oilfields developed by foreign oil firms and the Iran war escalated with the U.S. set to deploy thousands of additional Marines and sailors to the Middle East.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a new frontrunner for the NCAA Tournament. Ugh… Michigan… (Polymarket)
⏪ On Friday…
+ Xpeng reported before the bell
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ WeRide reports before the bell
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
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