Hey there weekday warrior,
This is not a drill, OpenAI just dropped GPT-5, Intel can’t catch a break, and things are bueno at Duolingo. But first…
Let’s take a look back at the August 8, 2022 edition of The Water Coolest…
On August 7, 2022, Amazon announced it was buying iRobot. You may know them as the maker of Roomba, the preferred robotic vacuum of people who can't afford a cleaning lady, but haven't totally given up (yet). Jeffrey Commerce's internet book store agreed to pay $1.7B as part of an all-cash transaction.
And, I think it’s safe to say iRobot wishes it had never met Amazon. You see, not long after the announcement, the European Commission began poking around and said it opposed the deal. It feared that Amazon would wreak havoc on the robot vacuum industry (which, fair…). Pressure from the fun police in the EU and US forced the companies to call off the deal.
But, it turns out the sale was of the fire variety. Soon after the breakup, iRobot was forced to lay off ~1/3 of its workforce and warned it had “substantial doubts” about its ability to continue as a going concern (spoiler: it called the bankruptcy lawyers but didn’t sign the paperwork yet).
As of this writing, the vacuum maker is managing to keep its head above water.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 19 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
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I plead the fifth… five… one, two, three, four, FIF…
Me, a smooth brain: “Pretty sure the only difference between GPT-4 and GPT-5 is the app background color.”
Aaron Levie, the CEO of Box, who helped test GPT-5: It’s a “complete breakthrough.”
The last time Silicon Valley nerds were this excited, Sydney Sweeney was selling bathwater soap…
The internet and investors alike were fully bricked up by news that Sam Altman released GPT-5 yesterday. It comes 2.5 years after GPT-4 dropped (apparently, Sam never heard “move fast and break things.”)
According to the non-profit, the model can run faster and jump higher than its predecessor. It’s especially good at writing (ok, makes sense), coding (checks out), and health care (wait, what?).
Why is it so much better?
Did I mention the app background is a cool new color?
Apparently, 5 will hallucinate a lot less. And new safety features will intervene sooner when you ask things like “make a pipe bomb, but make sure the FBI doesn’t find out.” You might recall V4 was recently accused of doing some pretty shady stuff, like giving step-by-step instructions for self-harm and coaching teenage girls through restrictive diets.
Oh, and I’ve got bad news for the Stanford grads who dropped out of school and raised $16M from a16z and SoftBank for a vibe coding wrapper startup… ChatGPT will just code apps for you now.
"build me an app that will generate $100M ARR. don't make mistakes. don't use emdashes"
— #gaut (#@0xgaut)
5:26 PM • Aug 7, 2025
It might sound crazy, but there's a much easier way to pay down debt faster…
Spoiler: using a credit card.
Here’s EXACTLY how to do it…
Find a card with a “0% intro APR" period for balance transfers
Transfer your debt balance
Pay it down as much as possible during the intro period
No interest means you could pay off the debt faster.
Now it’s time to find the right card…
Some of the top credit card experts identified one of their favorites that puts interest on ice until nearly 2027 AND offers up to 5% cash back on qualifying purchases.
+ Figma, valued at $60B: “wE mAkE SofTwaRE tHaT MovEs ShAPes AroUnD YoUr ComPuteR ScREen.”
Firefly Aerospace, valued at $8.5B: “We completed a successful moon landing and our product has major defense and commercial implications.”
Firefly Aerospace $FLY ( ▲ 1.66% ) (side note: shame on all the airlines for not scooping up that ticker symbol) made its debut on the Nasdaq, and it went pretty much exactly how you’d expect for an IPO in August 2025: shares mooned 34%. The company raised $868B at an $8.5B valuation. And SpaceX investors be like “hear me out, Elon…”
+ Intel is just the Boeing of chipmakers… change my mind.
Just when you thought, “it couldn’t possibly get any worse for the most inept company in the history of capitalism”… Intel $INTC ( ▼ 2.77% ) manages to find itself in the cross-hairs of the White House.
POTUS called for new-ish Intel CEO, Lip Bu Tan, to step down after some lawmakers in Washington brought to light his past dealings with the Chinese government: “The CEO of INTEL is highly CONFLICTED and must resign, immediately. There is no other solution to this problem.”
Ok, sure, this might not be true or might be an overreaction, but being labeled a friend of Beijing is the geopolitical equivalent of getting called a “goat f*cker” one time in front of the entire high school. People don’t forget…
+ New Fed Governor, who dis?
Just a few days after Fed governor Adriana Kugler announced she’d step down before the end of her term (quitter!), POTUS picked her replacement. Meet Stephen Miran. He’s currently the head of the CEA (not to be confused with its much more shady brother, the CIA). If approved, he’ll sit on the board until January.
Meanwhile, the smart money now thinks Federal Reserve Governor Christopher Waller is the favorite to take over for J-Poww (either when Trump fires him or his term expires).
+ People who brag about their Duolingo streak in casual conversation should be sent to Guantánamo Bay…
Duolingo’s $DUOL ( ▲ 12.9% ) unhinged social media and controversial pivot to AI (sucks to suck employees) appears to be working. The stock popped after it reported better-than-expected earnings and hiked its guidance.
+ US stocks “trimmed losses on Thursday, finishing mixed after President Trump's sweeping tariffs hit dozens of US trade partners. Meanwhile, Trump also previewed coming chip tariffs, suggesting a carveout that could benefit Big Tech companies.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “edged higher in late day trading Thursday after President Donald Trump said he will nominate Stephen Miran, chair of the Council of Economic Advisors, to serve on the Federal Reserve Board of Governors, replacing Adriana Kugler, who resigned last Friday.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices dropped on Thursday for a sixth consecutive session after the Kremlin said Russian President Vladimir Putin would meet U.S. President Donald Trump in the coming days, raising expectations for a diplomatic end to the war in Ukraine.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money over in the prediction markets thinks there’s a 48% chance Trump nominates Chris Waller as Fed Chair. (Kalshi)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Eli Lilly, Celsius, D-Wave Quantum, Datadog, Vistra, Constellation Energy, Intuitive Machines, Crocs, Warner Brothers, Brookfield, Peloton, Hut 8 Corp, ConocoPhillips, Hertz, SharkNinja, Jumia, Yeti, Talen Energy, Cheniere Energy, Aspen Aerogels, SolarEdge, and Papa John's reported before the bell
+ Rocket Lab, SoundHound, Trade Desk, Block, Nuscale, Pinterest, Twilio, Take-Two, Serve Robotics, Atlassian, CleanSpark, Monster, Kratos, MP Materials, Maplebear, Gilead, Texas Roadhouse, Main Street, Dropbox, Wynn Resorts, StoneCo, Microchip, Sezzle, Sweetgreen, Indie, GigaCloud, Motorola, Doximity, Godaddy, and Abcellera reported after the bell
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Tempus AI, FuboTV, Terawulf, and Under Armour report before the bell
Yesterday, I asked, “Adult Happy Meal: yay or nay?”
54.6% of you said, “I respect my body and don't eat McDonald's.”
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
I respect my body and don't eat McDonald's: “I'm addicted to In-N-Out burgers and can't go back to the golden arches except for the maple break sandwiches.”
I respect my body and don't eat McDonald's: “I only eat McDonald's as a last resort. Besides, I've got to much junk already.”
Shut up and take my money: “Of course I’ll try it especially if the toy is something useful like a vial of testosterone.”
No thanks, I’ll eat a Snack Wrap like a grown ass man/woman: “I've been ordering virtually the same thing every time I've been to McDonald's since I was roughly 16, I do not plan on changing that order (McGangBang, 10 Nuggets, large Diet Coke)”
Here’s today’s question…
You may need a pen and paper for this one…
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.