Here’s what’s on the agenda today…

Cracker Barrel just got put in a body bag, Zuck freezes hiring in the Superintelligence Lab, and Walmart eats the tariffs.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 23 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who stinks at the peg game at Cracker Barrel. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste forward this to you? Subscribe here.

Cracker Barrel $CBRL ( ▼ 0.62% ) investors out here acting like the Old Country Store just posted a TikTok of Dylan Mulvaney eating chicken-fried chicken while playing the peg game…

Cracker Barrel’s rebrand is shaping up to be a bigger clusterf*ck than Jaguar’s masterclass in how not to overhaul a company’s identity. Shares fell more than 7% on the day, and were down as much as 10% at one point.

The internet’s (over)reaction to the rebranding has investors concerned that sales figures are about to be as solid as your bowel movements after a Weekend Honey Butter Southern Fried Chicken meal (read: not very).

So why’s everyone so butthurt?

Well, for starters, Cracker Barrel jettisoned the old man (fun fact: that’s the founder’s uncle) leaning on a barrel from its logo as part of a remake that screams “we hired the CEO’s kid who just graduated from University of Phoenix with a degree in graphic design.”

Those in conservative circles (including the President’s son) called bullsh*t on the move, branding it a DEI play.

But the logo isn’t the only thing getting the people all worked up. The company is also remodeling its restaurants and stores. Diners are complaining about the lack of tchotchkes (and health code violations)… and the addition of “modern farmhouse” vibes. Think: less like Bobby Boucher’s momma’s house and more like a hospital cafeteria.

But, hey, look on the bright side, Butter Pecan Sticky Buns are here for a limited time as part of the new seasonal fall menu…

So why did they decide to alienate everyone who has a “Praise Dale and Raise Hell” bumper sticker?

It’s all part of a plan to attract a broader (read: younger and more affluent) fan base as sales have stagnated in the (post) post-pandemic world.

Spoiler: using a credit card.

Here’s EXACTLY how to do it…

No interest means you could pay off the debt faster.

Now it’s time to find the right card…

Some of the top credit card experts identified one of their favorites that puts interest on ice until nearly 2027 AND offers up to 5% cash back on qualifying purchases.

Start paying down debt faster with this top pick.

+ “Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.” - Zuck after realizing how much he just spent

Have you ever woken up after a night of heavy alcohol consumption, checked your bank account, and realized you might have a problem? It appears that’s what Zuck just did.

Because after shelling out billions of dollars to build the 1927 Yankees of artificial intelligence in a matter of weeks, the founder of The Social Network is pumping the brakes on new hires. As part of a restructuring of its AI division, Meta $META ( ▼ 1.77% ) has frozen hiring in its Superintelligence Lab.

+ Meanwhile, Zuck has no problem writing Happy Gilmore-sized checks for access to computing power. Meta inked a 6-year cloud computing deal worth $10B with Google. The collab will give the ‘book access to storage and servers… and I assure you no one is having a worse day than the Amazon Web Services sales rep who let this one get away.

+ Tell me you’re trying to figure out how to justify overpaying for F1 rights, without telling me…

For the third time in as many years, Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 0.17% ) TV is jacking up its price. Now, a monthly subscription will run you $12.99.

+ “EAT ATE THE TARIFFS.” - POTUS in May Walmart in August

Remember that time #47 warned Wally World against passing on tariff-induced price increases to consumers? Welp, it appears that the pride of Bentonville aims to please. The retailer Target wants to be when it grows up, said it has fully absorbed at least some of the impact of tariff costs.

And you’ll never guess what happened next: doing the people of Walmart $WMT ( ▲ 0.82% ) a solid ate into the company’s profits. In Q2 WMT managed to beat on the top line, but missed the Street’s profit expectations. That’s the first bottom-line miss since ‘22.

But it turns out that, unlike the half-life of Walmart's radioactive shrimp, these bad times won’t last forever. The Waffle House of brick-and-mortar retailers actually hiked its full-year guidance for revenue and net income.

Your move, Target…

+ “It’s so f*cking big.” - you, probably

All signs point towards a Fed rate cut in September. That means girthy interest rates on high-yield savings accounts will likely start to come down. But there’s still time to take advantage. And the experts at FinanceBuzz just ranked the best HYSAs available this month (you can earn up to 4.25% on some of them). Find the high-yield savings account that’s right for you. [FYI, this is a partner post]

+ Imagine how much bigger this deal would be if they still let players use steroids…

Just how desperate are media companies for sports broadcast rights? They’ll even overpay for baseball. The MLB appears to be closing in on a handful of deals to whore itself out to the highest bidder…

NBCUniversal $CMCSA ( ▲ 0.83% ) is reportedly close to a 3-year deal for a bunch of games (including Sunday Night Baseball) worth $200M annually. Netflix $NFLX ( ▼ 1.92% ) continues to play ‘just the tip’ with sports. It’s looking to pay $35M per year for rights to just the home run derby.

Still with me? Good. Because ESPN $DIS ( ▲ 0.81% ), a current MLB broadcast partner, is still in the picture, too. The Worldwide Leader wants to add local games to its streaming app (which launched yesterday) by partnering with MLB.TV.

+ US stocks “slid on Thursday after disappointing Walmart (WMT) earnings and hotter-than-expected jobless claims data, as focus tightened on the Federal Reserve's closely watched gathering at Jackson Hole.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “climbed higher as investors look ahead to Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell's speech at the Fed's annual economic symposium on Friday.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices rose by nearly a dollar a barrel on Thursday as Russia and Ukraine blamed each other for a stalled peace process, and as earlier U.S. data showed signs of strong demand in the top oil consuming nation.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 14% chance Arch Manning will win the Heisman Trophy this season. (Kalshi)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Walmart and Bilibili reported before the bell

+ Intuit, Zoom, Workday, and Ross Stores reported after hours

+ The Federal Reserve's Jackson Hole Symposium got underway

+ Disney's ESPN launched its new direct-to-consumer streaming service offering

+ Global flash PMIs for August were released

+ Foot Locker held a vote on the proposed merger with Dick's Sporting Goods

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ J-Poww will give a highly anticipated speech in Jackson Hole

Yesterday, I asked, “Staying with same company for your entire career is certified batsh*t crazy, right?”

54.6% of you said “Yes, only serial killers stay at one company for their entire life.“

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

What weapon are you taking into battle?

Godspeed.

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.