TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Oracle just let 30k heads roll, Nike is still trying its best (adorable), and Eli Lilly thinks it found the next magic drug for Americans to abuse.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 3 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Ora-cull
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the AI consequences of our own AI actions…
Oracle $ORCL ( ▲ 5.99% ) dropped a bomb (not the DJT kind) on a yuge chunk of its workforce yesterday.
The “massive” layoffs hit thousands of employees via email early morning yesterday, presumably so no one would be confused if they did it today (read: April Fool’s Day).
Per Larry Bat-Outta-Hellison’s soulless HR department: “After careful consideration of Oracle’s current business needs, we have made the decision to eliminate your role as part of a broader organizational change.”
Which, how much more impersonal can ya get?
Total bloodshed layoffs are rumored to hit around the 20-30k mark, or around 18% of Oracle’s global workforce.
Shares popped on the news, because of course they did. So hopefully those poor b*stards have got some vested options in their back pockets.
Oh, and if you want a depressing scroll, check out how yesterday went on r/employeesOfOracle…
Check on your tech friends today…
The $1.5B Wake-Up Call AI Couldn’t Ignore
Anthropic just agreed to a $1.5B settlement over allegations that it used copyrighted material to train its AI models.
This isn’t an isolated event. It’s a signal.
AI companies now face a new reality: data must be owned, licensed, or created at the source. And the most valuable asset in AI is no longer just compute or models. It’s high-quality, first-party human data.
That’s exactly where Mode Mobile is positioned.
Mode already pays its users to engage, contribute, and generate data, with over $1B earned and saved by those users to date. Now, with Mode AI, that same network becomes a scalable source of first-party, permissioned training data.
No scraping. No legal gray areas. Just aligned incentives at scale.
Mode’s EarnOS could become a massive, distributed data engine powering the next generation of AI, and you can invest today at $0.50 per share.
Ad disclaimers below*
+ Bah gawd, that’s McCormick’s music…
It appears that the slinger of garlic salt and other assorted spices has learned nothing from the clusterf*ck that was the Kraft-Heinz tie-up. McCormick $MKC ( ▼ 6.11% ) is buying Unilever’s $UL ( ▼ 5.02% ) food portfolio for $45B with a mix of cash and stonk.
In case you were wondering, Unilever’s food biz (think: Hellmann’s mayo) is worth 3x McCormick (roughly $15B market cap). And who is going to tell the spice maker about GLP-1s?
+ Just Do It (a successful turnaround)
Nike $NKE ( ▲ 3.08% ) really went out there and told the Street where it could stick its low expectations. CEO Elliot Hill delivered a surprise beat on the top and bottom line for Nike’s Q3, showing solid sales growth in North America (think: 3%), despite profit margins getting rekt by tariffs.
Meanwhile, Nike’s Chinese market saw revenue drop 7% for the quarter…
Time for a fresh Tiger Woods deal?
+ Define “excessive daytime sleepiness…”
Novo’s more successful American cousin, Eli Lilly $LLY ( ▲ 3.74% ), just went all “excuse me while I whip this [checkbook] out.” The king of GLPs is planning to purchase Centessa Pharmaceuticals $CNTA ( ▲ 44.02% ) for $7.8B.
In case you don’t regularly abuse narcolepsy medication, Centessa produces drugs to treat hypersomnia or sleepiness. And yes, it sounds like Eli Lilly is about to drop the next drug everyone takes like candy…
Per LLY CEO Dave Ricks, “We see a broader potential for this pathway, maybe a little bit of analogy to GLP-1, in a way that, you know, sleep and wakefulness are like core to our functioning, and when your sleep is disturbed, or your wakefulness is disturbed, it causes a lot of other problems.”
That feeling when you realize GLP-1s were just a gateway drug…
+ *takes drag of cigarette* “Snapchat? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Snapchat $SNAP ( ▲ 14.43% ) shares mooned yesterday after activist investor Irenic Capital Management said the deliverer of d*ck pics could be worth 5X its current valuation (think: a mere $7B), with a bit of a spit-shine, presumably.
Irenic has picked up 2.5% of Snap’s shares to push for cost cuts and AI optimization. Meanwhile, the s*xting stonk is down 45% this year. Which is bad. Because, of course, math.
> Whoop’s valuation just tripled to $10 billion (TechCrunch) // Wait till they find out it’s just a heart rate monitor.
> Mercedes U.S. CEO sets ambitious sales goal despite ‘tougher’ market than anticipated (CNBC) // Tough time to be a car maker. Or a car buyer. Or a car seller…
> Microsoft closes worst quarter on Wall Street since 2008 on AI concerns (CNBC) // But will Teams survive?
> How dare you show me these inconvenient facts…
Yesterday I asked, “How do you lock in on work when you feel distractible or want to bail?”
Predictably, 38.4% of you said, “Stimulants (coffee, nicotine, “others”).” But the write-ins did not disappoint…
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Stimulants (coffee, nicotine, “others”): “Nothing gets the juices flowing like 24mg of nicotine lip pillows and 2 shots of espresso.” Unmatched performance.
Power nap: “If you can sneak a 15 minute nap in the middle of the day do it and enjoy feeling bulletproof until quitting time." I know, but it’s so hard to settle down mid-day…
Other (write-in): “Headphones…volume 10…rock n roll…”busy” status on teams. Let’s get it." Fair. Music prolly shoulda been an option…
Take a quick break and do something healthy: “By something healthy I mean JO (I work from home).” You, sir, have earned this BONK.
Procrastinate: “I intentionally back myself into a corner so I can unleash the hungry hyena within, knock out 2 days of work in a couple of hours, and then return to reading newsletters on how to get rich quick. This is not financial advice.” Life’s good.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Keep your head on a swivel today... April Fool's Day and all that. What are your thoughts on April Fool's Day?
+ US stocks “soared on Tuesday, with investors swept up in a massive relief rally on renewed Middle East de-escalation hopes.” (Investing.com)
+ The 10-year yield “edged lower on Tuesday as investors assessed the likelihood of the conflict in the Middle East reaching a resolution as well as the outlook for the Federal Reserve’s interest rate path.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices fell on Tuesday, as market participants piled into equities in a euphoric relief rally following a renewed boost to Middle East de-escalation hopes.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 32% chance Morgan Stanley serves as lead underwriter for the SpaceX IPO. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Bitfarms, T1 Energy, FactSet, and McCormick reported before the opening bell
+ Nike, KULR, RH, SEALSQ Corp., Bit Digital, and Beyond Meat dropped earnings after the bell
+ Hershey held its Investor Day event
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Tilray, Cal-Maine Foods, ConAgra Foods, and Lamb Weston Holdings report before the bell
+ Quarterly sales reports from car makers will start coming in (looking at you, Tesla)
+ Apple will mark its 50th anniversary
+ The February Retail Sales report drops
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
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