Hey there weekday warrior,
We’ve officially reached the part of the AI hype cycle where Masa Son starts throwing cash at it without regard for human life.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 17 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
OpenSeason
OpenAI is looking to raise up to $40B in a new funding round that would value the “nonprofit” at $340B. SoftBank (+2.0%) is set to lead the round, potentially dropping $15-25B.
And we’ve officially reached the part of the AI hype cycle where Masa Son and Softbank start throwing money at the industry without regard for human life. Adam Neumann is punching air right now.
The potential $340B valuation is a big step up from OpenAI’s last valuation of $157B back in ‘22.
The buy side
The new funding round is expected to help make a dent in OpenAI’s commitment to the Stargate AI infrastructure venture announced by Donny Technology last week. You know, the $500B, 5-year project to cover the US in AI data centers.
OpenAI is charging ahead on the pathway to a semi-for-profit status, and the new funding round is another step to diversify from its main squeeze Microsoft (-6.1%), which has already sunk $14B into the DeepSeek source code.
And is anyone going to tell Masayoshi Son he could’ve just ripped off ChatGPT for like $6M?
Billionaires wanted it, but 66,737 everyday investors got it first… and profited
When incredibly rare and valuable assets come up for sale, it's typically the wealthiest people that end up taking home an amazing investment. But not always…
One platform is taking on the billionaires at their own game, buying up and offering shares of some of history’s most prized blue-chip artworks for its investors. In just the last few years, those investors realized representative annualized net returns like +17.6%, +17.8% and +21.5% (among assets held 1+ year).
It's called Masterworks. Their nearly $1 billion collection includes works by greats like Banksy, Picasso, and Warhol, all of which are collectively invested in by everyday investors. When Masterworks sells a painting – like the 23 it's already sold – investors reap their portion of any profits.
It's easy to get started, but offerings can sell out in minutes.
Past performance not indicative of future returns. Investing Involves Risk. See Important Disclosures at masterworks.com/cd.
+ “If he dies, he dies.” - Andy Jassy on UPS
Amazon continues to show no mercy to its competition. UPS (-14.1%) got buried on Thursday after the logistics company beat on the top line... but shared guidance that was weaker than your willpower at a Taco Bell at 3 AM. Its full-year revenue guidance came in at $89B, a dropoff from 2024.
The main culprit? Amazon. UPS said it's agreed to decrease volume with its "largest customer" (so, Amazon) by more than 50% by the second half of 2026. In UPS's defense, it was a pretty abusive relationship...
According to UPS CEO Carol Tome, who presumably only wears brown pantsuits to work, the Amazon businesses' "margin is very dilutive to the U.S. domestic business." Turns out that working with the corporate equivalent of an organized crime family known for shaking down its opponents isn't particularly profitable.
+ "It is a cutting edge high-tech breastaurant out of the Midwest awaiting imminent patent approval on the next generation of eats, drinks, and scenic views." - me explaining to my wife why I just YOLOed our entire life savings into Twin Peaks
Horn dogs have a new favorite stonk (sorry, Rick’s “Hospitality”). Twin Peaks (think Hooters but jean shorts instead of orange spandex) took its talents to the public markets on Thursday. Other restaurant brands considering an IPO will be keeping a close eye on TWNP.
+ Don’t believe the Apple Intelligence haters, Apple (-0.7%) can still put up numbers. The home of the Lisa served up an earnings beat, with revenue jumping 4% for the quarter. Shares jumped after hours on the news, despite iPhone sales numbers disappointing.
Timmy Apple took a page out of POTUS’s playbook and blamed the People’s Republic for its woes. And he’s got a point. Sales fell 11% in the Chinese market. Apple is still working through China’s regulatory process (read: China isn’t done copying its homework) to release Apple Intelligence in the country. Of course, while it waits, it continues to bleed market share to domestic companies like Vivo and Huawei.
+ “noBODy EvEr GOt fiREd fOr BUyinG Ibm"
IBM (+12.9%) is out here partying like it’s 1999. The company that gave us the TrackPoint (RIP tiny little red nub) reported a big beat on the top and bottom lines. Shares mooned nearly 13% on the day, which made Thursday IBM’s best since 2000 A.D. Software sales (think: AI) carried the team with 10% growth YOY.
+ US GDP grew at 2.3% in Q4, missing expectations of 2.5%. Annual growth came in at a soft 2.8% for the year, compared to 2023’s 2.9%. We used to be a country, a proper country…
+ Comcast (-11.0%) reported an earnings beat but lost 139,000 broadband customers in Q4, and Peacock still isn’t profitable… because NBC can’t coast on ‘The Office’ forever.
FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.
+ US stocks “rose on Thursday, posting gains in a bout of rocky trading as investors weighed the latest earnings from Big Tech companies.” (CNBC)
+ The 10-year yield “moved lower on Thursday as economic data showed slower-than-expected growth for the United States in the fourth quarter.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices edged up on Thursday, held in check by threatened U.S. tariffs on Canadian and Mexican crude imports that could take effect this weekend.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin rose slightly on the day.
+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia +0.7% 2) Tesla +2.8% 3) Apple -0.7%
⏪ Yesterday, Mastercard, CAT, UPS, Shell, Altria, Blackstone, Thermo Fisher, Mobileye, L3Harris, Cigna, Northrop Grumman, Comcast, SiriusXM, and Southwest reported before the bell. And Apple, Visa, Intel, Atlassian, KLA, and Deckers dropped earnings after the close.
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ ExxonMobil, Chevron, Abbvie, Colgate, Eaton, Grainger, and Charter Communications report before the bell
+ The core PCE price index report (read: the Fed’s preferred inflation gauge) drops
Yesterday, I asked, “Are we giving kids an allowance in 2025?”
51.2% of you say yes.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
No: “People my age can afford to have kids?"
Yes: "Giving an allowance is the best way around those pesky child labor laws."
Yes: "Allowance tied to chores. Money don't grow on trees...”
Yes: "Yes allowance so I can then slowly drop nuggets of the "taxation is theft" variety.”
No: "All three of my kids have an iPhone. That's "allowance" enough...” True, they should be running online businesses.
And here’s today’s question…
Would you want to be the only person to watch the greatest sports game EVER, but you can't talk about it?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.