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Here’s what’s on the docket today…

Figma has no regard for human life, the White House just dropped its new tariff policy, and earnings from Amazon and Apple.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 32 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who also didn’t get Figma IPO shares. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste (who knows how butthurt you were about not getting in on the Figma IPO) forward this to you? Subscribe here.

"I am never going to financially recover from this.” - me after Robinhood granted me one singular share of Figma via IPO access

Figma $FIG ( ▼ 2.24% ) came in hot. Its IPO was the stuff 8-year-old CEOs of lemonade stands dream of… and will certainly be one of those moments that everyone points to if the bubble does burst.

The stock, which was priced at $33 on Wednesday, opened at $85… and closed the day at $115. That gives the company a $68B (so close) valuation and made lots of people filthy f*cking rich… on paper, at least.

Near miss

At the very least, founder and CEO Dylan Field owes UK and EU regulators a tasteful gift basket. Perhaps an Edible Arrangement? Maybe spring for the chocolate-dipped variety, given your recent financial windfall? You see, the fun police saved Dylan from himself…

Way back in 2022, Adobe $ADBE ( ▲ 0.48% ) agreed to buy Figma for $20B. The company that brought us the PDF, but also, for some reason, online shopping data, eventually pulled the plug after UK and EU pushback. Something about monopolies…

*runs the numbers* So, yeah, some old white dudes with funny accents and ashtray money salaries helped Field secure an extra $3B-ish of net worth. But who’s counting?

What does it all mean?

You mean besides the fact that Figma could probably buy Adobe now? Well, it’s open season for IPOs. Every founder with a Series C in the rearview and superyacht on their Amazon wishlist is going to be running to investment banks telling them, “I’ll have what he (Figma) had.”

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+ New tariff policy, who dis?

Just ahead of its midnight deadline, the White House debuted its latest set of tariffs…

And I think I speak for all of us when I say, “What did Laos and Myanmar ever do to you?”

The other big loser is the 51st state Canada. The Trump administration hiked its tariff rate from 25% to 35%. Although some of its goods will still be able to cross the border tax-free, thanks to the US-Mexico-Canada Agreement (USMCA).

+ Rumor has it that this song played as Ray Dalio walked out of his final board meeting…

It’s the end of an era at Bridgewater. According to a memo sent to clients, Ray Dalio has officially stepped away from the cult hedge fund he founded 50 years ago. He’s resigned as chairman of the board and sold off all remaining shares of the original B-Dubs.

+ It’s better to be lucky than good sometimes. Isn’t that right, Apple?

On paper, Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 0.25% ) had a pretty extraordinary quarter. It beat on the top and bottom lines. And its 10% revenue growth was the girthiest of any quarter since 2021.

The iPhone 16 put the team on its back, with sales of Apple’s flagship product jumping 13% year over year. Now, listen, I hate to be that guy, but… that figure is a whole lot less sexy when you consider consumers started hoovering up iPhones like college kids buying those Celsiuses filled with High Noon ahead of expected tariff-related price hikes. Tim Cook admitted as much during the earnings call…

Now, Apple doesn’t give actual guidance, but it does do this weird thing where management says, “but if we were going to give projections, here’s what they’d be…” According to the Kings of Cupertino, for the current quarter, we should expect a “mid- to high-single-digit” increase in revenue. Unless, of course, that’s wrong… in which case those figures should under no circumstances be misconstrued as an official projection.

On the AI front, the company that had absolutely no business making that F1 movie go that hard admitted it has some catching up to do. Timmy Apple said there are plans to significantly grow investment in AI and that the company is open to M&A. Perplexity has entered the chat…

+ Today in ‘things you don’t want the CEO of a company you invest in to say about their lead in the cloud computing space’: that it’s still “pretty significant.”

Despite a beat across the board for Q2, investors went all “ight imma head out” following Amazon’s $AMZN ( ▼ 0.15% ) earnings call. While AWS is far and away the leading cloud platform, Google and Microsoft are closing the gap. Exhibit A: Microsoft Azure sales soared 39% last quarter… AWS rose just 18%. Sad.

Andy Jassy didn’t do himself any favors by sharing lackluster operating income estimates for the upcoming quarter. But, on the bright side, I hear he had a lovely time at Jeff and Lauren’s nuptials.

+ US stocks “closed lower on Thursday as early gains faded, following the latest round of corporate earnings and economic data, as investors awaited results from megacaps Amazon and Apple due after the closing bell.” (Reuters)

+ The 10-year yield was “little changed on Thursday as investors parsed the personal consumption expenditures index for June — the Federal Reserve's preferred inflation gauge.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices declined on Thursday as U.S. President Donald Trump’s August 1 tariff deadline loomed over investors, with uncertainty surrounding countries yet to negotiate a trade deal with the U.S.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money thinks there’s a 40% chance Discord announces plans to IPO before the end of the year. (Kalshi)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Mastercard, AbbVie, Ferrari, Roblox, S&P, CVS Health, Shell, Cameco, Bristol-Myers Squibb, Unilever, Cigna, KKR, Comcast, Howmet, Sirius XM, Builders FirstSource, Southern Company, and Air Products and Chemicals reported in the AM

+ Amazon, Apple, Coinbase, MicroStrategy, Reddit, Cloudflare, Roku, First Solar, Riot, KLA-Tencor, Innodata, Enovix, Stryker, Paramount, Monolithic Power Systems, and Lumen reported after the bell

+ The core PCE price index (The Fed's favored inflation gauge) report for June was released

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Chevron, ExxonMobil, Moderna, Colgate-Palmolive, Linde, Enbridge, T. Rowe Price, and WW Grainger report before the bell

+ It’s the tariff deadline date for US trade partners

+ The July Jobs Report drops

Yesterday, I asked, “You can only save one canned beverage. The rest are wiped off the face of the Earth. Who you saving?”

40.7% of you picked “Light Beer.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.