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Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Amazon wants you to add GLP-1s to cart, Microsoft will do everything but make a good console, and Zuck is all set to spy on employees (some more).
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 6 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
OBCD Prime
Amazon? The weight loss company?
Amazon $AMZN ( ▲ 0.66% ) has a fever, and the only prescription is semaglutide.
That’s right, Andy Jassy is going deeper into the healthcare game with new “weight loss services” (read: prescribing GLP-1s like they’re SSRIs to the overweight masses). Eat a d*ck, Hims…
Amazon One Medical will launch a new GLP-1 management program to integrate obesity treatment into routine care with virtual visits and prescription management.
Now your mom will be able to get Novo’s $NVO ( ▼ 2.57% ) Wegovy and Eli’s $LLY ( ▼ 1.84% ) Zepbound (both the injection and the oral (ayy) medication) from the deliverers of a truckload more.
Oh, and she’ll also have access to $29 message consultations, $49 telehealth appointments, and same-day drug delivery… all without leaving my bed (last one, I promise).
Just imagine adding Wegovy to the same cart as some hot Cheetos, both eligible for Same Day shipping… peak ‘merica.
Per Tanvi Patel, GM of Amazon Pharmacy, “By expanding access to the latest GLP-1 medications with upfront, clear pricing, we’re making it easier for customers to get the treatments their health care providers prescribe and to stay on those medications because they are delivered reliably directly to patients.”
Spoken like a classic drug dealer…
Obviously, most OBCD companies took an L on the day…
Hims & Hers $HIMS ( ▼ 4.03% ), Novo Nordisk $NVO ( ▼ 2.57% ), Eli Lilly $LLY ( ▼ 1.84% ), Viking $VKTX ( ▼ 4.87% ), Amgen $AMGN ( ▼ 1.51% ), and Septerna $SEPN ( ▼ 3.95% ) all shed some pounds yesterday.
Unlike your mom (sike).
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+ Nintendo and Sony: *make great consoles*
Xbox: “No.”
Microsoft $MSFT ( ▲ 1.46% ) is desperate to regain some market share in gaming. Its solution? Discounts. Friendly reminder that Xbox’s new boss, Asha Sharma, admitted in an internal memo that the Game Pass subscription was too expensive for players (think: $29.99 a month, or roughly the cost of one Chipotle burrito).
So now that gamers have gone all “I don’t want to play with you anymore,” Asha’s plan is to drop the Game Pass price down to $22.99 per month. Oh, and to remove new Call of Duty games from the service… which, wait, wasn’t that why you guys bought Activision Blizzard for $69B? Also, 69, huh? Nice.
+ Well, that’s comforting…
Zuckbot has new plans to spy on monitor Meta $META ( ▼ 0.31% ) employees’ computers and, you guessed it, train their AI replacements. The “Model Capability Initiative” (MCI) will track mouse movements, clicks, keystrokes, take screenshots, and (probably) conduct routine mind control to train Meta’s LLMs.
Per Meta’s CTO Andrew Bosworth, “The vision we are building towards is one where our agents primarily do the work and our role is to direct, review and help them improve.”
#47 said he’d “remember” any US companies that don’t seek refunds for his legal illegal tariffs yesterday.
So apparently, if Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 2.52% ) and Amazon $AMZN ( ▲ 0.66% ) in particular can sack up and skip applying for tariff refunds, it would be “brilliant,” and “if they don’t do that, I’ll remember them.” Which, can you say, “get out of jail free card”?
Whole thing felt a little…
You need a side hustle.
How do I know? Because everyone needs one. Never forget: your full-time job doesn't care about you.
You may be dedicated to your work, but it can leave you high and dry at any moment.
Your side hustle(s) will always be there for you.
> SpaceX Secures Option to Buy AI Startup Cursor for $60 Billion (WSJ) // Funding Cursor secured.
> OpenAI Unveils New Image Model That’s Better at Charts and Diagrams (Bloomberg) // Oh yea? Well, how about this chart?
> Trump Urges Judge Not to Let Dimon ‘Escape’ JPMorgan Lawsuit (Bloomberg) // I hate it when mom and dad fight…
> Warsh says he made no rate-cut promises to Trump, plans 'robust' Fed reforms (Reuters) // Rich boy says what?
> Thanks, TSA shutdown…
Yesterday, I asked, “What's the best chain sandwich?”
46.8% of you said, “Jersey Mike’s.” I did not expect the margin by which that answer won…
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Potbelly: “Greatest meatball sub and that’s the only sandwich that matters.” Really? The only one?
Jimmy John’s: “I have a soft spot for Jimmy John's because the Club Lulu is incredible, and I met my college drug dealer there. He was working, saw us fiending, and offered us the good stuff. For 18 months we'd order food and a 'big boy' or 'little boy' (an eighth or a gram) and he'd deliver food and drugs. It was incredible... until of course he went to jail.” Pretty standard Jimmy John’s experience.
Jersey Mike’s: “This answer is correct and anyone who says otherwise is a corporate spy planted by their respective sandwich chain to keep tabs on the fine people of TWC. In Tyler We Trust.” I’m always carefully culling the corporate spies from this list.
Other (write-in): “Quiznos was it… and maybe I’m the only one with this opinion.” Quiznos shout out.
Jersey Mike’s: “Having my sub Mike's way because I'm too old for Jared's way.” Hey, I’m the one who makes the inappropriate jokes around here…
Here’s today’s question(s)…
I remember when Xbox owned the market. Now who knows if they'll make it... What's the best gaming setup right now?
+ US stocks “closed lower on Tuesday, with early gains evaporating as renewed concerns about the Middle East war outweighed initial optimism over a round of solid corporate earnings.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “ticked higher Tuesday as investors sought clarity over the state of U.S.-Iran discussions around an end to the war.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “pared gains on Tuesday after briefly climbing above $100 a barrel following an announcement from U.S. President Donald Trump that he was extending a ceasefire with Iran until Tehran submits a proposal.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s a 72% chance that Kash Patel leaves the Trump Admin this year. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ UnitedHealth, GE Aerospace, Raytheon Technologies, 3M, MSCI, DR Horton, Northrop Grumman, Danaher, Halliburton, Equifax, Tractor Supply, and Synchrony Financial dropped earnings before the bell
+ Intuitive Surgical, Interactive Brokers, United Airlines, Capital One Financial, Chubb, EQT, and Agree Realty reported after the bell
+ The Senate Banking Committee held a confirmation hearing for Kevin Warsh and his appointment to be the Federal Reserve chairman
+ The March Retail Sales report dropped
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Vertiv, GE Vernova, Boeing, AT&T, Philip Morris, Moody's, Boston Scientific, Elevance Health, CME Group, and TE Connectivity report before hours
+ Tesla, ServiceNow, IBM, Lam Research, Texas Instruments, Quantumscape, Southwest Airlines, Kinder Morgan, Crown Castle, CSX, United Rentals, Medspace, Molina Healthcare, Las Vegas Sands, and Rollins drop earnings after the bell
+ The three-day Google Cloud Next event in Las Vegas will begin
Oh, and one more thing…
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