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Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Jensen can’t keep his chip in his pants, Meta’s AI agent got spanked by United, and October CPI was hotter than a Chinese honeypot.
Now, enjoy the next 3 minutes and 48 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary off-color Jensen jokes.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Jensen BONK
SBF. Ashley Buchanan. Chirayu Rana. Sunny Balwani.
And now: Jensen Huang.
Everyone’s 401(k)s are sending a giant BONK to our favorite ex-Denny’s employee.
ICYLUAR (read: in case you live under a rock), the artist formerly known as Obi Juang Kenobi just double triple d*cked the entire AI market.
Yesterday, Nvidia $NVDA ( ▼ 0.28% ) stonk went inverse-Jensen (think: midnight to six) after Jenny from the Block announced his resignation.
Turns out Don Huang wasn’t just having an affair with an “alleged” Chinese spy Alice Huang (no relation).
Bro was also dipping his pen in the company ink with VP of health care Kimberly Powell.
But wait, there’s more…
A 2nd affair with a Nvidia employee just came to light. Fool me once… shame on—… or whatever George Bush said.
Now DJ Jazzy Jensen is on the hook to testify before Congress within the next 2 weeks.
Congress: “And did you really help Alice Huang funnel $7.5B worth of chips to China?”
Jensen…
Meanwhile, Daddy Elon is fiending for a chance to hire Jensen Bourne at SpaceX $SPCX ( ▼ 1.24% ), which, yeah, that kinda tracks.
10 Stocks at the Center of AI’s $1 Trillion Boom
AI’s growth story is much bigger than chatbots.
The market was already valued at an estimated $800 billion by late 2025, and continued adoption could push it beyond $1 trillion in the years ahead. That growth will require more data centers, computing power, software, networking and intelligent devices.
But the most obvious AI names may not be the only companies positioned to benefit.
MarketBeat’s free 10 Best AI Stocks to Own in 2026 report identifies ten publicly traded companies helping power the next phase of the AI buildout. Some are established leaders. Others occupy less obvious corners of the expanding AI ecosystem.
This free report names 10 stocks positioned to ride that wave before the rest of the market catches on.
+ “Muse, book me a flight.”
Muse:
United Airlines $UAL ( ▲ 0.24% ) just gave Meta’s $META ( ▲ 1.48% ) Muse the same treatment as that one guy you know who had too many airport beers before the bachelor trip and got handsy with a flight attendant (think: no-fly list).
Turns out AI agents are now banned from booking flights, which was a yuge selling point for the official Zuckbot™.
Meta stonk dipped about 2% on the news (think: rounding error).
Per United CEO Scott Kirby, “I don’t want to create another middleman.”
Travel agents punching air rn.
+ Straight cash capex, homie
So Nebius $NBIS ( ▼ 13.45% ) absolutely crushed earnings (think: revenue up 571%), aaaaand it’s gone.
Turns out when you issue an outlook weaker than Jensen’s ability to control his carnal urges and expect to spend $27B on capex (plus another $40B next year), your share price gets sent to the shadow realm (think: down >17%).
Probably doesn’t help that the entire neocloud economy is in shambles just like JHua’s marriage…
Friendly reminder: Nvidia was holding about $329M in Nebius shares as of June.
Rough week for all of Jensen’s side pieces…
+ CPwhy?
October CPI is in, and it had the audacity to jump 0.4% for the month (core at 0.3%), both a little hotter than the Econ majors predicted.
Over the last 3 months, prices have been running at a 5.7% annualized pace.
Quick math: 5.7% is definitely >2%…
Oh, and airfares are up 28% over the last year, so Muse was never going to find you a deal anyway.
Forget NVIDIA — These 5 Stocks Could Be Next
Looking beyond NVIDIA for your next stock idea?
MarketBeat just identified five highly rated companies worth a closer look. Get the full list, completely free, along with the bull and bear case for each stock, so you can see where the opportunity may be hiding.
> In a policy switch, the Fed says its October 2027 meeting will not see a vote on interest rates // Feels like this meeting could be an email...
> (Tuesday) Amazon’s Ring unveils flying drone and robot to patrol homes and businesses // Think: Roomba meets Flock camera.
> (Tuesday) Anthropic targets $1.4T market value in blockbuster IPO // “Weak.” -Elon, probably
> (Monday) Anthropic releases first frontier models since Amodei’s call for slowdown as IPO buzz builds // “slowdown”...
> (Sunday) Tesla to add Cybertruck shift to clear orders before dismantling line next year // RIP Cybertruck.
On Friday, I asked, “If you could acquire one of these fast-food chains, which would you snap up? (This is personal. Don’t make it all about the $...)”
38% of you said, “Chick-fil-A.” So predictable...
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Chick-fil-A: “I can only hope someone writes in Subway. There’s gotta be at least one.” That coulda been you. (For the record, no one did...)
McDonald’s: “Play the f--kin’ hits, boys. The golden arches are the gold mines of the fast food industry. Plus, they’re open on Sunday’s. ;) Don’t you dare ask for a McFlurry though.” Classics are classics for a reason.
Other (write-in): “Portillo’s…and I would de-private equity it and return it to greatness.” Phenomenal write-in.
Taco Bell: “According to the movie Demolition Man, in 2032 all restaurants will be Taco Bell, so light ’em if you got ’em.” Outwit. Outplay. Outlast.
Chick-fil-A: “Buy it. Open on Sundays. Revenue goes up 1/7. Be hailed as a maven.” “Chick-fil-A franchisees hate this one simple trick...”
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Outlook was down (bad) yesterday. And there has been a lot of chatter about Barstool’s 2018 holiday party (sup, Large). So…
What's the best day in corporate America?
+ US stocks zigzagged all week, ripping Monday (S&P 500: +2.3%) on the AI trade, slipping Tuesday (-0.4%) after a hot CPI print fueled rate-hike bets, bouncing Wednesday (+1.3%) as Nvidia and the chip stocks rebounded, then sliding again Thursday (-0.4%) on rising yields and Jensen’s exit. Thanks, Jen.
+ The 10-year yield climbed Monday ahead of CPI, raced back to 5% Tuesday after the hot print and Waller’s comments, sat out Wednesday with the bond market closed for Veterans Day, then pushed back above 5% Thursday as oil jumped and bets on more Fed hikes grew.
+ Oil slid to a two-month low Monday and Tuesday as US officials played down more strikes on Iran, bounced about 2% Wednesday when Tehran said its enriched nuclear material isn’t going anywhere, then jumped more than $2 Thursday on attacks on Saudi energy sites and shipping disruptions in the Strait of Hormuz.
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s only a 5% chance that Tim Cook will be the next Nvidia CEO. (Polymarket)
Oh, and one more thing….
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