TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior. Back to the grind - hope you had a killer Thanksgiving. Here’s what we’re getting into… drama at Campbell’s, Syndey Sweeney is out at American Eagle, and American consumerism is alive and well.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 28 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Let them eat soup
Turns out there is a real-life soup N*zi, and he worked (past tense) in Campbell’s $CPB ( ▲ 0.82% ) (of all places) IT department…
Former Campbell’s VP and Chief Information Security Officer Martin Bally got caught on tape saying what we were all thinking throwing some major shade at Andy Warhol’s favorite soup brand.
Here are just the hits from the 75-minute recording (a disgruntled former employee released the tapes)…
“I don’t wanna eat a piece of chicken that came from a 3-D printer.”
“Even in a can of soup, I look at it, and look at bioengineered meat.”
“We have sh*t for f*cking poor people. Who buys our sh*t? I don’t buy Campbell’s products barely anymore.”
He also sprinkled in some racism, just in case giving away Campbell’s secret recipe didn’t seal his fate.
Of course, instead of admitting the truth, Campbell’s cover-up continued…
You see, Big Soup knew it was in big trouble and went into full PR crisis management mode. Shares fell when the news initially broke last week, adding to the more than 34% share price drop over the past year.
The whistleblower Bally is now (obviously) soup sh*t-canned, and you can find plenty of not-at-all-concerning (read: incredibly concerning) info on the Campbell’s website denying that it fills its condensed soup for poors with 3-D printed/lab grown chicken.
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+ Live look at red, white, and blue-blooded heterosexual American males upon hearing about American Eagles’ $AEO ( ▼ 4.51% ) latest move…
In a head-scratcher of a decision, AE has swapped out your #1 overall hall pass pick for your grandpa’s (read: Martha Stewart).
Snoop Dogg’s grandma, now 84 years old, posed for the new “Give Great Jeans” (the left be like “ChatGPT, tell me how to get outraged by this”) campaign for the holiday gifting crowd. Because apparently American Eagle is trying to appeal to moms who think jeans make good Christmas presents (still talk to my shrink about Christmas ‘05 when my mom got me boot cut Wranglers two sizes too big and tried to pass them off as JNCOs).
AE shares jumped 4% after the news dropped. I think it’s safe to assume Martha wasn’t allowed to participate in the upside, given her white collar rap sheet (gooble gobble, one of us).
+ Fine, I’ll sign up for Dr. Burry’s Substack
Palantir $PLTR ( ▲ 2.16% ) just had its worst month since August 2023. Despite starting November with a Q3 earnings beat, Alex Karp & Co. shares are down 16% this month.
Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite sword-wielding CEO went on a CNBC tour earlier this month to talk sh*t about bears shorting tech. You might remember this shot fired across the bow of Scion Asset Management: “The idea that chips and ontology is what you want to short is batsh*t crazy.”
+ This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for pure, unadulterated American consumerism…
Black Friday shopping in-person may be dead (bring me back), but spending money we don’t have online is alive and well. Friday’s online shopping reports rang in right around $11.8B, surging 9.1% from last year, and it’s all thanks to economic growth AI shopping assistants tricking us into buying more.
Per Adobe Analytics, 2025 showed an 805% spike in AI-driven retail web traffic from last year. They may take our jobs, but they’ll never take our appetite for holiday deals.
+ ‘Zootopia 2’ Opens to More Than Half a Billion Dollars Globally (WSJ) Parenting hack: when my kids are really annoying me, I start talking like Flash the Sloth from Zootopia…
+ Airbus orders software fix to thousands of planes due to solar radiation risk (TechCrunch) Boeing be like, “Those 737 Max incidents were because Mercury was in retrograde…”
+ Stock futures resume trading after a halt caused by ‘cooling issue’ at data center (CNBC) Brutal day for degens looking to create some loss p*rn on Friday.
+ ChatGPT launched three years ago today (TechCrunch) Sam Altman strikes me as the kinda guy who celebrates his birthday all month (and his friends secretly hate how much they have to spend).
+ US stocks “rose during a holiday-shortened trading day on Friday as a volatile month drew to a close and the Nasdaq Composite snapped a seven-month win streak.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “traded higher on Friday after a data center issue at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange (CME) disrupted trading.” (CNBC)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 33% chance Jensen Huang is named TIME’s Person of the Year. His odds have surged, passing Pope Leo and barely trailing “AI” (because I guess we’re ready to admit it’s a person…). (Kalshi)
⏪ On Friday…
+ The US stock market closed at 1:00 p.m.
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ MongoDB and Credo report after the close
+ Amazon’s AWS re:Invent gets underway
Last week, I asked, “What are you thankful for (besides The Water Coolest)?”
Shout out to everyone who took the bait and said TWC anyway. Oh, and much love to the happy couple who met on a plane and read The Water Coolest religiously (which is much cheaper than relationship counseling).
Here’s today’s question…
You can only save one Campbell's Company product, the rest are banned for being lab grown. Which are you saving?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.