Hey there weekday warrior. Lots to unpack today… Panera Bread has a comeback plan (that probably won’t work), Zuck beats the charges, and Microsoft is straying from OpenAI.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 44 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Let’s get this Panera bread
Probably not a coincidence that sales plummeted after they took Charged Lemonade from us…
Panera Bread has a pretty simple comeback plan: suck less. You see, Panera has really let itself go over the past few years, and customers have taken note (sales fell 5% last year).
The home of cheddar broccoli soup (in a bread bowl) has pissed off diners with initiatives to cut labor and food costs. Stuff like deciding not to slice cherry tomatoes and avocado in salads (because, God forbid, the minimum-wage sous chefs armed with a microwave and a GED have to lift a finger). Panera’s CEO said, “We make the guest chase the cherry tomato around the bowl.” Seriously, he said that…
But that isn’t the only crime against rabbit food committed by Panera. They took a page out of your coke dealer’s playbook and cut the romaine lettuce with iceberg. Oh, and just in case that didn’t help secure a one-star Yelp review, they also shrank portions and jacked up prices.
So, what now?
You mean in addition to cutting the tomatoes and switching back to romaine?
The company will roll out its “Panera RISE” plan. You can expect a menu refresh, a focus on value (we see you, McDonald’s), and a revamp of its stores… which means it’s one logo change from going full Cracker Barrel.
With a little bit of luck, Panera will get its sh*t together and JAB Holdings can take the chain public, cut its losses, and pretend this never happened. You might recall that its holdco tried to take Panera public back in 2023 via SPAC, but the deal fell through… because it wasn’t 2021.
+ Aaron Sorkin has gotta be big mad that he needs to find a new plot for Social Network 2…
Zuck’s haters (me) are down bad. The leader of the lizard people has managed to weasel his way out of a major antitrust suit. You might recall that back in the year of our lord 2020, Meta $META ( ▼ 0.72% ) was accused of creating a social media monopoly with its acquisitions of Instagram and WhatsApp.
And you’ll never guess who Zuck has to thank. The judge who ruled in Zuck’s favor pointed to fierce competition, especially from TikTok. Friendly reminder: TikTok didn’t even exist when this suit was filed.
The judge said: “Whether or not Meta enjoyed monopoly power in the past, though, the agency must show that it continues to hold such power now.”
+ “Diversify yo AI investments.” - Microsoft
Microsoft $MSFT ( ▼ 2.7% ) isn’t about to sit around and watch OpenAI date other people. It plans to invest $5B in Anthropic, alongside Nvidia’s $10B investment. The deal values the Claude maker at $350B.
And don’t for a second think Satya Nadella doesn’t know that you need to spend money to make money. You see, Anthropic also committed to buying $30B worth of compute from Microsoft.
Make it all make sense…
+ There are only two certainties in life… death and Cloudflare going down…
Cloudflare $NET ( ▼ 2.83% ) took large swaths of the internet offline on Tuesday (Al Gore could not be reached for comment). X, ChatGPT, and Spotify were all down for parts of the morning, in case you were wondering why your intern suddenly stopped using em dashes in their emails.
So WTF happened? According to Cloudflare, a “file grew beyond an expected size of entries and triggered a crash in the software system.” That’s right, one file got too big. We are so f*cked.
+ U.S. Backs $1 Billion Loan to Restart the Three Mile Island Nuclear Plant (WSJ) What’s the worst that could happen? Don’t answer that.
+ Home Depot shares tumble after chain slashes outlook, warns of ‘consumer uncertainty’ (NY Post) “You’re making the Home Depot look at sh*tty…”
+ Anheuser-Busch InBev Nears $700 Million Deal for Party Punch Maker BeatBox (WSJ) High school and college kids are drinking what is essentially Four Loko in a juice box… nature is healing.
+ US stocks “fell again on Tuesday as technology shares continued to retreat on concerns about valuations of artificial intelligence-related stocks and as bitcoin dropped briefly below $90,000, a sign of reduced risk-taking by investors.” (CNBC)
+ The 10-year yield “dipped on Tuesday as investors prepared for the release of delayed jobs data after the 43-day government shutdown ended.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “settled higher on Tuesday after a choppy session as traders weighed the impact of Western sanctions on Russian oil flows, as well as U.S. President Donald Trump saying his administration had started interviewing for the next Federal Reserve chair.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin “plunged below $90,000 on Tuesday for the first time in nearly seven months before slightly rebounding, as uncertainty over the U.S. Federal Reserve’s interest rate path and caution around delayed economic data dampened demand for riskier assets.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s an 11% chance Oprah will be named in the new Epstein files. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Home Depot, Baidu, PDD Holdings, and Medtronic reported before the bell
+ KULR and Powell reported after the bell
+ Microsoft kicked off its Ignite conference
+ Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman met with President Donald Trump at the White House
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Target, Lowe's, TJX, Wix, Williams-Sonoma, and Global-E report before the close
+ Nvidia and Palo Alto drop earnings after the bell… and does anything else really matter?
+ The Federal Reserve will release the minutes from its last meeting
Yesterday, I asked, “You have to be a janitor at a state prison. The worst kinda of prison with absolute sickos. 12-hour days, 5 days a week. Brutal, disgusting work. Pays $10,000 your first year… but your salary doubles every year you stick with it. You in?”
74.0% of you said, “Not worth it.”
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Not worth it: “probably won't live that long ”
HELL YES: “It can't be worse than working in a cube 40+ hours a week for 45 years”
HELL YES: “...and I don't have to answer Slack messages? I'm in.”
Not worth it: “Watch Oz on HBO...instant no!”
Not worth it: “It takes five years to get to six figures... no thanks”
Here’s today’s question…
You can get one quick service sandwich shop installed in your house (Richie Rich style). Which one you taking?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.