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Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Starbucks wants a Frappurito, OpenAI is openly exaggerating numbers, and Microsoft is gonna have to figure out how to hire Americans.
Now, enjoy the next 3 minutes and 33 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
If I had a Niccol...
Brian Niccol circa 2024: *leaves Chipotle for Starbucks*
Brian Niccol, now:
Turns out Starbucks $SBUX ( ▼ 0.4% ) has been plotting a takeover of the only thing more dangerous to your intestines than a triple shot PSL…
Chipotle $CMG ( ▲ 6.21% ).
Friendly reminder, Burrito Brian ran your friendly neighborhood purveyor of norovirus for 6 years before thinking he could fix her (SBUX) 2 years ago.
Now he wants his ex back, which, can’t relate…
“But, why?” - you, not realizing the power of harnessing the 2 greatest laxatives known to man
Well, Chipotle has been down bad since Brian left. Traffic has slowed and its share price is down 17% this year.
Meanwhile, the pumpkin spice distributors are still mid-turnaround, but their 40k global stores could help push Chipotle to more unsuspecting international markets.
Quick math on the (potential) deal: Starbucks is worth around $107B. Chipotle: $39B (for now).
Chipotle shares, understandably, popped.
Starbucks shares, also understandably, did not.
RIP toilets everywhere.
10 Best Stocks to Own This Fall
The market looks very different heading into the final months of 2026.
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These aren’t all high-flying tech stocks, either.
Get your complimentary copy of the full report today before it goes back behind the paywall.
AI stonks took a beating Thursday after OpenAI corrected itself…
Turns out Scam Altman is only running at about $50B in annualized revenue, not the $68B it reported to everyone last month, which…
Nvidia $NVDA ( ▼ 2.94% ), Oracle $ORCL ( ▼ 5.48% ), CoreWeave $CRWV ( ▼ 7.77% ) all got rekt.
Turns out the $68B figure counted gross revenue from OpenAI’s partners, supposedly to help make a more direct comparison to Anthropic. Kinda shady… even for Sam.
Friendly reminder: @sama is out raising another $30B right now because he’s great at counting other people’s money…
Speaking of raising money…
Donny Guardrails announced a $2.4B commitment from Nvidia, OpenAI, AMD $AMD ( ▼ 3.9% ), Google $GOOG ( ▼ 0.72% ), and Anthropic yesterday to support federal agencies researching AI (aka the Genesis Mission).
+ Green red card
The Labor Dept. just yeeted Microsoft $MSFT ( ▼ 1.35% ) and Adobe $ADBE ( ▲ 3.56% ) out of its permanent green card program yesterday due to “multiple active federal investigations.”
Apparently, if you request 3M foreign workers, receive 230k H-1B visa approvals, and 100k permanent labor certifications, and then lay off 6k Americans to replace with H-1B workers, JD Vance shows up at your door.
Fun fact: Donny ICE spent yesterday (at the exact same summit) handing out National Medals of Science to Jenny Huang, Phony Stark, Lisa Su and… Satya Nadella.
Oops, All Immigrants®
+ Stock up on Cool Ranch (or Spicy Sweet Chili)
Pepsi $PEP ( ▲ 3.73% ) delivered a top and bottom line beat yesterday but then cut its full-year forecast because the North American market is slow real Americans drink Coke.
ICYMI, Pepsi cut prices up to 15% on Lay’s and Doritos back in February for budget shoppers…
But now, the big swingin’ drinks are projecting “a new wave of inflation” and planning to implement “revenue management tactics.”
In other words, price of the brick chip going up.
+ Alexa, take a(nother) bite out of Apple
Amazon $AMZN ( ▼ 2.26% ) just killed its budget Fire tablet and introduced the new Alexa tablets with a $230-$550 price tag.
Bah gawd, that’s iPad’s music prices…
What for? Improved performance, AI features (duh), and a new design to compete with “the best tablets on the market” per Amazon’s devices boss Panos Panay.
Oh, and the new “On-Screen Intelligence” can add to cart anything your wife sees on TikTok.
Imagine The Economist had a drunken love child with a meme page.
That's The Pint, our slightly unhinged British cousins from across the pond.
Their chronically online (and slightly unhinged) team breaks down the week's politics and business so you don't have to — then turns it into a meme-mail read by over 20,000 people.
Every Friday. Free.
Well worth it, I promise.
> Trump says U.S. will not attack Iran before midterm election // So we got that going for us, which is nice.
> Who Was The ‘Reptilian’ Woman Standing Behind President Trump In The Oval Office? // Damn, why did they have to do Michael Dell like that?
> (Wednesday) Levi Strauss hikes profit guidance after tariff refunds, but its sales outlook is less optimistic // Great genes jeans.
> (Wednesday) Fed officials see another hike coming, but no sign as to when, minutes show // Ouch town population us, bro.
> (Wednesday) Trading app Webull plummets 18% over ties to Chinese government, national security concerns: report // “Webull... holds $24.6 billion in customer assets...”
> (Tuesday) David Ellison’s $81B merger of Paramount and Warner Bros. Discovery officially completed // “Now what?” - us, probably, now that all the fun’s over
> (Tuesday) Disney hikes park ticket prices, with premium Disney World pass costing whopping $500 // Disney adults should have to pay even more.
> We’ve Got Receipts (From 2013): The Cost Of McDonald’s 13 Years Ago // “Back in my day…”
On Friday, I asked, “Pick one to invest in for the next 365 days…”
47% of you said, “Gambling app feat. Sydney Sweeney but it’s illegal.” You would.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Gambling app: “Degenerate gamblers and B00bs always win, Tylers. Tell me I’m wrong.” No arguments, friend.
Nike (AI pivot): “Buy low, say AI, and MOON.” Stop stealing our (future) playbook.
Oura Ring pre-IPO: “I’ll be reading TWC in the hot tub on my yacht.” Really think so?
Other (write-in): “Hooters airline.” Noted.
Nike (AI pivot): “Instead of an army of child laborers sewing shoes, they’re answering searches for NikeAI. Zero compute costs, near zero labor costs. The Tylers are on to something here.” He gets us.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
The worst possible emergency bathroom situation would be caused by a Starbucks merging with...
+ US stocks ripped to record highs Monday (S&P 500: +0.7%) and Tuesday (S&P 500: +0.6%) as megacaps carried the Nasdaq, then rolled over Wednesday (S&P 500: -0.2%) and Thursday (S&P 500: -0.5%) as yields and oil came roaring back. Records on Monday, regrets by Thursday.
+ The 10-year yield spiked to 5.31% Monday, its highest since 2002, and churned near those multi-decade highs most of the week before easing Thursday after Trump pushed any Iran strike past the midterms.
+ Oil stayed quiet into midweek as rising Middle East exports and a G7/IEA stockpile release capped prices, then jumped about 4% Thursday on reports of US strike plans against Iran, before giving some back when Trump said no attack until after the midterms. All quiet, kind of.
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s an 18% chance that gas goes over $5.60 this year. (Polymarket)
Oh, and one more thing….
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