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Here’s what’s on the docket today… Kohl’s is a meme stock (again), the US and Japan strike a trade deal, and an Amazon acquisition. But first...

In the July 23, 2019 edition of The Water Coolest, we covered Microsoft’s $1B investment in a startup founded by Elon Musk: OpenAI. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?

The company planned to use the money in part to transition from a nonprofit to a “capped‑profit” model.

Little did we know that just 6 short years later, OpenAI (still a nonprofit, for the record) would be one of the most important companies on planet Earth.

Since 2019, Microsoft has injected cash into the ChatGPT maker two more times, bringing its total investment to ~$13B.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 28 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

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OpenDoor’s meme stock rally just got canceled quicker than a handsy male Hollywood exec circa 2017…

Despite retail investors’ best efforts (see: jumping nearly 25% at one point during intra-day trading), OpenDoor’s $OPEN ( ▲ 9.78% ) 6-day win streak came to an end on Tuesday. The stonk closed down 12%. Can we get a wellness check on Eric Jackson?

But that doesn’t mean meme stock madness is over…

“Investors” (I use that term loosely) have simply gone all “I don’t want to play with you anymore, Opendoor”… and set their sights on a stock that’s no stranger to “regards” and “loss p*rn.”

Kohl’s $KSS ( ▼ 0.62% ) has entered the chat (again)…

You might recall that the home of the original cryptocurrency (see: Kohl’s Cash) was part of the supporting cast back in the year of our lord 2021.

The retailer that just screams “lower middle class back to school shopping” nearly doubled at one point yesterday. KSS ended the day up nearly 40%.

Why Kohl’s?

“Why not Kohl’s?” is the real question.

It checks all the boxes: piss poor performance (sales are expected to fall ~5%), massive short interest (nearly 50%), and a stock price to match. And the style points it lacks for not going public via a Chamath SPAC (sup, OpenDoor), it makes up for with its recent CEO scandal…

You may recall that CEO Ashley Buchanan was stepped down for giving business to a female vendor whose cheeks he was reportedly clapping. And this is why the only male Ashley I trust is Ashley Schaeffer…

Kohl’s even botched an effort orchestrated by activist investors to sell off some of its most valuable assets (read: the land the stores sit on).

Party like it’s 2021…

If it’s starting to feel a lot like 2021, that’s because it is…

Stonks and crypto are ripping. Meme stocks are a thing again. We’re basically a stimmy check away from “Dumb Money 2,” you guys.

What a time to be alive.

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+ “Konichiwa, b*tches.”

Last night, POTUS announced a trade deal with Japan that includes “reciprocal” 15% tariffs. And since I know you’re wondering… yes, that extends to cars, which make up a yuge chunk of Japan’s exports. Currently, auto tariffs are 25% across all countries.

Donny Deals also said that Japan will invest $500B in America and that the US will “receive 90% of the Profits”… whatever that actually means.

Bold prediction: markets are about to rip.

+ “Hey Alexa, how can we create a surveillance ecosystem that rivals the Chinese Communist Party?” - Andy Jassy

Just when you thought Amazon $AMZN ( ▼ 0.15% ) couldn’t be any more intrusive… they go and buy a company that makes an AI wearable. The company that couldn’t figure out how to make Alexa profitable is buying Bee AI, the maker of an AI listening device made for productivity/figuring out what Amazon ads to serve you across devices. Terms weren’t disclosed… which probably means Amazon overpaid.

+ Ok, I don’t care where you stand on Elon… being served comfort food in a Cybertruck-shaped container by an Optimus robot at the Tesla $TSLA ( ▲ 1.22% ) Diner in LA is objectively f*cking awesome.

+ In what has to be the most American thing I’ve ever written, Coca-Cola is getting ‘healthier’ by adding 39 grams of sugar. Coke $KO ( ▼ 1.24% ) confirmed that it’s rolling out a real cane sugar version of its flagship soda in the US this Fall. But, have no fear, fans of high fructose corn syrup, both varieties will be available across the country. Great news for everyone who is hoping to diversify their journey to diabeetus and heart disease.

+ “I’m not a regular regional bank, I’m a cool regional bank…” - PNC

Today in “collabs I did not see coming”… PNC $PNC ( ▲ 0.17% ) is teaming up with Coinbase’s $COIN ( ▲ 1.53% ) institutional crypto-as-a-service platform to offer its clients crypto (duh).

+ GM’s $GM ( 0.0% ) Q2 was more disappointing than meeting someone you really like… then finding out they drive a Hummer.

Shares of the US carmaker got put in a body… despite a beat on the top and bottom lines. Net income plummeted 35% in the quarter, and its tariff bill topped $1.1B. And that was the good news…

Mary Barra and Co. slashed guidance and warned that its tariff tab would be even bigger in the current quarter. Woof.

+ “I wish there was another newspaper to invest in.” - no investor ever

During an appearance on The Daily Show, the LA Times’ billionaire owner said he plans to take the company public this year. Something about allowing “it to be democratized and allow the public to be the ownership of this paper.” And I think it’s safe to assume that by “democratized” he means “huge liquidity event”…

+ US stocks “closed mixed Tuesday, but the benchmark S&P 500 was able to eke out a new record as Wall Street digested a new batch of earnings, including a tariff warning from General Motors (GM), while also weighing the latest trade developments.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “moved lower on Tuesday as investors geared up for the Federal Reserve's decision next week.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “fell on Tuesday for a third consecutive session, as hopes faded for a trade deal between the U.S. and Europe, feeding fears of an economic slowdown in the world’s largest oil markets.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money thinks there’s a 41% chance Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce get engaged this year. (Kalshi)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Coca-Cola, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon Technologies, MSCI, General Motors, Philip Morris, DR Horton, Danaher, Northrop Grumman, Sherwin-Williams, and Halliburton reported in the AM

+ Intuitive Surgical, Texas Instruments, SAP, Enphase Energy, Capital One, Chubb, Canadian National Railway, and Cal-Maine Foods reported after the bell

+ J-Poww gave welcome remarks before at the "Integrated Review of the Capital Framework for Large Banks Conference"… which sounds more made up than all those expenses at the Fed’s new HQ

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ AT&T, GE Vernova, Nextera Energy, Moody's, Fiserv, Thermo Fisher, Boston Scientific, Hilton, CME, Amphenol, General Dynamics, and Freeport-McMoran Copper & Gold report before the bell

+ Tesla, Google, ServiceNow, Chipotle, IBM, T-Mobile, Viking Therapeutics, O'Reilly Automotive, Crown Castle, and Quantumscape report after the bell

+ President Trump is scheduled to give a speech on AI

Here’s today’s question…

Oof.

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.