Hey there weekday warrior. Here’s what’s on tap today… Venezuelan oil has got markets b*ned up, Zuck may have put the real-life Nelson Bighetti in charge of AI, and no one wants Comcast’s legacy media spinoff.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 32 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
I drink your milkshake
Nicolás Maduro and his wife just got the Jet2 holiday treatment…
In case you started that New Year’s resolution strong and haven’t spent any time doomscrolling (good for you, you grass toucher), US Special Forces gave Venezuelan leader Nicolás Maduro an all-expense-paid, one-way trip to NYC this weekend.
Maduro and his wife, Cilia Flores (find yourself a ride or die, kings) pleaded not guilty to drug trafficking charges yesterday. They claim they are “prisoners of war.”
Nicolas, who’s out here doing his best to Make Nike Great Again, will be tried in March on a slew of drug charges.
“But Tyler, how will this little South American shakeup impact my portfolio?” you’re probably asking. Well, I’ll just leave this right here…
Crude rose bigly… which doesn’t actually make a ton of sense considering more oil is about to come out of the ground, but f*ck it, we ball. To put in perspective just how much fossil fuel is about to flood the market… despite having among the largest known reserves, Venezuela currently accounts for just 1% of global oil output. Those are rookie numbers in this racket, ‘Duro.
Stonks popped across the board despite the “geopolitical uncertainty.” Chevron $CVX ( ▲ 2.61% ), Exxon Mobil $XOM ( ▲ 3.73% ), and Valero $VLO ( ▲ 4.06% ) led the way. Big oil infrastructure companies (read: pick and shovels) like Halliburton $HAL ( ▲ 5.89% ) also created a whole lot of shareholder value.
Speaking of Valero…
Even Michael Burry, aka Cassandra Unchained, has a fever, and the only prescription is more energy.
The Substack short king posted his stance that Valero stands out among the crowd because of its ability to process Venezuelan heavy crude, and that Halliburton will likely be tapped for contract work in Venezuela.
Only real ones will remember how great foreign intervention is for markets… and for Halliburton. I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this…
F*ck it, I’m sharing The Water Coolest’s secret sauce
I’ve been writing The Water Coolest for 8 years. That includes two years as head of newsletters at Barstool. And today, I help some of your (other) favorite newsletters create must-read content (you’re welcome).
So now feels like the right time to finally pull together all of my thoughts about creating killer newsletter content and building an audience the right way.
Later this month, I’m launching the Chief Newsletter Officer newsletter.
Every Thursday, I’ll send an email to current and aspiring newsletter operators and brands with tactics and takeaways from nearly a decade in the newsletter trenches. No filter, just like TWC.
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+ Zuck hired a real-life Nelson Bighetti…
Meta’s $META ( ▼ 0.41% ) ex-AI exec Yann Lecun just dropped an Eminem-level diss track on his replacement. Remember last year when Zuck bought a 49% stake in Scale AI and brought on Alexander Wang to run its AI division? Turns out, letting a 29-year-old run the show might’ve been a bad call.
Yann called out Alexander for being young and inexperienced, and said he’s got no idea how to “practice research.” He also warned of a potential AI staff exodus because of the new leadership. Sounds like exactly what a bitter ex would say though…
+ “He can’t keep getting away with this.” - all of Nvidia’s competitors watching Jensen Huang’s CES keynote
Obi Huang Kenobi isn’t about to sit around and let other semi makers gain even a little bit of market share. During a speech in Vegas (hope your girl isn’t there this week…) the Nvidia $NVDA ( ▼ 2.15% ) founder and CEO said the company’s newest AI chips are on track to release this year. The Rubin (think: silicon, not corned beef… or Studdard) series is reportedly 5x more powerful than the current gen Blackwell chips.
But Jensen ain’t no one-trick pony. After dunking on his AI competitors, he sent a shot across the bow of everyone in the robotaxi game. Nvidia will reportedly launch a robotaxi service (with a partner) by 2027.
+ Great weekend for the city of Detroit, huh?
General Motors $GM ( ▲ 3.93% ) just posted a 5.5% jump in US sales year over year, meaning the Detroit OGs will retain their top spot as America’s largest automaker.
Toyota $TM ( ▲ 0.66% ) (+8% sales), Hyundai (+8.4% sales), and Kia (+7% sales) all put up gains for 2025 as well. Meanwhile, Chrysler parent co. Stellantis $STLA ( ▲ 2.51% ) saw a 3.3% sales drop. But, to be fair, Stellantis’ Jeep brand saw its first annual sales gain in 7 years. Rubber duck makers should be overjoyed.
Comcast’s $CMCSA ( ▲ 1.11% ) cable spinoff Versant Media Group $VSNTV ( ▲ 1.26% ) debuted as its own publicly traded company yesterday. And it went about as well as Quibi’s. Shares fell 13% during the first day of trading.
Versant will be the new home of USA Network, CNBC, MSNBC, and other assets (sup, Golf Channel) NBC wants to pretend don’t exist.
> Dallas mayor predicts ‘flood’ of Wall Street firms to quit NYC under Mamdani (NY Post) // Three words: equities in Dallas.
> In a truly galaxy-brained rebrand, Microsoft Office is now the 'Microsoft 365 Copilot app,' but Copilot is also still the name of the AI assistant (PC Gamer) // Stop trying to make fetch Copilot happen…
> Lego Smart Bricks introduce a new way to build — and they don’t require screens (TechCrunch) // Name something worse than when your mom would buy you knockoff bricks that only sort of worked with LEGO (you can’t).
> America, F*CK YEAH!
+ US stocks “finished higher on Monday, as investors snapped up tech shares even while the capture of Venezuela’s President Nicolás Maduro fanned worries over geopolitical risk.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “moved lower on Monday following the U.S. capture of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices settled up $1 a barrel on Monday as traders assessed the possible impact on crude flows from Venezuela, home to the world’s largest oil reserves, following the U.S. capture of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 61% chance that Discord IPOs in 2026. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Versant began trading after spinning off from Comcast
+ CES got underway in Vegas, where Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang delivered a keynote speech
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Costco Wholesale will drop its monthly sales report
+ Lenovo CEO Yuanqing Yang will deliver a speech at CES
Yesterday, I asked, “We're 5 days into 2026, and now that it's Monday, it's time to start taking that resolution seriously. What category was your New Year's Resolution for 2026? (I may or may not follow up with this to keep you honest this year...)”
53.4% of you said, “Health: lose weight, get stronger, higher T, quit drinking, play a sport.”
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Health: lose weight, get stronger, higher T, quit drinking, play a sport: “Lose weight... Again. This time, it's for reals tho. (really)”
Other: “combination of health and wealth. Run a sub 5 second 40 again and save for a wedding.”
Other: “I am going to start a neighborhood Brass Band! Yep, I play the Tuba. We will call it HOA Heavy Metal!”
Wealth: make an investment, pay off debt, grind harder: “Torn between wealth and family. But alas, choosing wealth today due to “the plan”. Ask me in September how it turns out”
Career: quit a sh*tty job, start a better job, switch careers, go back to school: “Finally quit bartending and focus on stand up full time. So I really need that newsletter on newsletters to drop.”
Here’s today’s question…
Since most of you said "health" was the top New Year's resolution... What are we doing in 2026 for our main exercise?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.