Hey there weekday warrior,
It’s official: Jamie Dimon has got that dog in him.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 31 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Jamie Dimon woke up and chose violence
Sundar Pichai could learn a thing or two from Jamie Dimon on how to deal with employee petitions…
“Don’t waste time on it. I don’t care how many people sign that f*cking petition” - Jamie Dimon (yes, he really said that)
Legend.
JPMorgan (+0.3%) held a Town Hall meeting Wednesday, and Jamie Dimon has bad news for all those employees whining about returning to work: he doesn’t care… at all.
A recent petition has been circulating at JPMorgan, with ~1.3k staff signatures protesting the end of hybrid work. The COVID policy which allowed for 2 days of WFH each week is set to end next month.
Jamie went full boomer-mode and complained that WFH employees don’t concentrate during Zoom meetings (which shoulda been emails), and said the decision to return to the office 5-days a week is above the pay grade of supervisors: “There is no chance that I will leave it up to managers. Zero chance. The abuse that took place is extraordinary.”
Jamie must be seeing Zuck’s TRT guy because the Theta Chad energy is strong with this one.
To be fair, the “abuse” of time-wasting WFHers did take place during JPMorgan’s record-setting 2024, with $58.5B of profits and a sh*tload of shareholder value generated…
Either way, some workers who do come back to the office are about to be headquartered in a new, slick, $3B, 60-story building on Park Ave. with a ton of amenities, restaurants, and a bar (which definitely aren’t part of some modern-day “company store” scheme).
Probably nothing…
Did I mention that Jamie Downsizing is set to lay off around 1k employees this month as part of planned cuts?
Probably just a coincidence that the size of that petition and the number of layoffs is roughly the same…
+ AppLovin’s (+24.0%) generational run continued on Thursday following their Q4 earnings beat, strong guidance, and some positive hype from analysts. With the post-earnings pop, the ad tech company (which is generous considering these are the guys that sling b*ner pill pop-ups on Candy Crush) has topped 900% share price appreciation over the last 12 months.
But it wasn’t all good news… there was some incredible news, too. AppLovin is planning to divest its apps business. The move will refocus the company on its AI advertising software AXON. Does this mean they’re going to pull a Microstrategy and just go with Lovin?
+ Liver King is about to have a shot at an Olympic-ish medal…
The Enhanced Games, aka the steroid Olympics, just got the shot in the a** that it's been waiting for. VC firm 1789 Capital will co-lead a multi-million dollar investment round to bring openly juiced-up athletics to the masses. And yes, in case you were wondering, 1789 is Donny Jr.’s VC firm. Trump Jr had this to say: “The Enhanced Games represent the future – real competition, real freedom, and real records being smashed.” Not sure ‘real’ is the word the PR team should have focused on here…
Friendly reminder that Peter Thiel is another investor already backing the Tren-lympics that’ll feature track and field, swimming, weightlifting, and other events. The wet blankets at the World Anti-Doping Association and the IOC have complained about the “irresponsible” nature of the competition. Live look at Enhanced Games investors getting together to ignore the IOC.
+ CPIs older step-brother who lives in the basement (the Producer Price Index) increased by 0.4% in January, higher than the 0.3% estimate. *Runs the numbers* Which means PPI has increased 3.5% year over year. Yikes.
+ TikTok is once again available for download on the Apple (+1.9%) App Store and Google (+1.3%) Play Store. It’s not available on any other app store because Apple and Google have methodically executed any and all competition and buried them in shallow graves. Friendly reminder that ByteDance has until April 5 to sell TikTok to Elon work out a plan to not get shut down again. So help China out and give them your data while you still can.
+ Coinbase (+8.4%) posted a big swingin’ top and bottom line beat for Q4. CEO Brian Armstrong said he’s looking to diversify COIN’s biz by bringing in more subscriptions and services revenue. Trading currently accounts for ~69% (ayy) of total revenue.
+ No agenda whatsoever, just pure altruism. Elon says he’s willing to withdraw his $97.4B bid to acquire OpenAI if the board commits to staying a nonprofit.
+ Papa John’s (+18.4%) shares popped on reports that an investment fund backed by a member of the Qatar royal family is weighing a takeover bid. Better Ingredients, Better Pizza, Papa Sheikh Mohamed al Thani.
+ Avoid these 3 common crypto mistakes when filing your taxes, says CPA: ‘I see these all the time’. Wait, so I have to tell the government that I’m a Fartcoin thousandaire?
🔥 Jalen Hurts lives in a $2,000-per-month rental despite his $255M contract — here’s why. Bro, what are you trying to prove?
FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.
+ US stocks “moved higher on Thursday after President Donald Trump said he plans to introduce reciprocal tariffs but delayed their implementation, while investors digested another report that suggested inflation is once again heating up.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “pulled back on Thursday as worries over persistent inflation and global trade tensions appeared to ease.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices settled flat on Thursday, paring early losses of more than 1% as U.S. tariff announcements were delayed until at least April, feeding hope that the world could avoid a trade war that would pressure economies and energy demand.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin “continues to stall out hovering around $96,000, stuck in a trading range since mid-November.” (CoinDesk)
+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Reddit -5.3% 2) Tesla +5.7% 3) Nvidia +3.1%
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Datadog, Deere, Sony, Crocs, Brookfield, ZOETIS, CyberArk, GE Healthcare, Moody’s, YETI, Honda, Duke Energy, Iron Mountain, and Hertz reported before the bell
+ Coinbase, Palo Alto, Airbnb, Applied Materials, DraftKings, Roku, Twilio, DexCom, Wynn Resorts, Digital Reality Trust, Kinsale, and Motorola reported after the bell
+ Cybersecurity firm SailPoint IPOs
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Moderna and Enbridge report before the bell
+ Hedge Funds and Institutional Investment Managers report their Q3 holdings
+ Karman Space & Defense IPOs
+ Nike celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Jordan Brand
+ The January Retail Sales Report being released by the U.S. Bureau of the Census
Yesterday, I asked, “Asking for a friend: go out on Valentine's Day or not?”
“No, stay home” won with 46.4% of the votes.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
No, stay home: “Dating? Go out. Married? Grab a couple good steaks from the butcher and stay in. ”
Yes, go to dinner: “I like a planned dinner, restaurants are always busy if you make a reservation no issue in my book”
Yes, but over the weekend, not on the 14th: “What is less fun than a packed restaurant on an overpriced condensed menu? ”
No, stay home: “F*ck your commercialism, maaaaaaan! Put the Christ back in Valentines Day!”
Yes, but over the weekend, not on the 14th: “Never on the day. Over priced prix fixe menus served by lonely wait staff...”
And here’s today’s question…
What is worth paying extra for?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.