In partnership with
Hey there weekday warrior,
Little technical issue yesterday (presumably state-sponsored hacking from somewhere in the Soviet Bloc) so most of you didn’t see the newsletter.
But we’re back in action (well, that is, if you’re reading this).
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 9 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
+ US stocks “closed mixed on Tuesday as investors digested fresh jobs data and new Fedspeak regarding the path forward for interest rates.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “slid and prices rose on Wednesday as a key inflation reading met market expectations.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “rose more than 2% on Tuesday as Israel threatened to attack the Lebanese state if its truce with Hezbollah collapses, and as investors positioned for OPEC+ to announce an extension of supply cuts this week.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin “slipped on Tuesday, remaining pinned below record highs as sentiment was rattled by reports that the U.S. government had mobilized some of its coins confiscated from the Silk Road marketplace.” (Investing)
+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Archer Aviation -7.5% 2) Planet Labs -2.6% 3) Super Micro Computer -4.2%
The market moves you need to know about…
+ Every investor begins feverishly searching 10-K’s for the words “liberty” and “American made.” The Don Jr. effect is real. PSQ, the parent company of e-comm player Public Square, which calls itself “America’s marketplace” (Amazon would like a word…) announced it was adding Donald Trump Jr. to its board. Shares of the microcap popped 270.3%.
– The future head of DOGE keeps getting cucked on the 1-yard line by the honorable Chancellor Kathaleen McCormick, a Delaware judge… who sounds like she isn’t very fun at parties. She upheld her ruling which blocks Musk’s $56B Tesla pay package. McCormick alleges the payday is unfair because she hates capitalism of Musk’s undue influence over the TSLA board. The ruling rattled Tesla shareholders. The stock fell 1.5% on the day.
Are oil & gas royalties right for you?
Klondike Royalties invites you to own a stake in the North Block of Alaska's Kitchen Lights Unit, with an estimated 300 million barrels of recoverable reserves. Our royalty-based model offers potential for steady returns without the complexities of direct asset ownership.
Do I really look like a guy with a plan?
Source: Giphy
Intel (-6.1%), the sad excuse of a US chipmaker, didn’t waste any time post-Thanksgiving break, firing CEO Pat Gelsinger first thing Monday morning after 4 years on the job.
Where did Patty Semiconductor go wrong?
Well, for starters, Intel isn’t Nvidia. Unfortunately for Gelsinger, his 4-year tenure overlapped with Nvidia’s meteoric rise. Which only made Intel’s epic f*ck ups more painful for investors and the board.
Speaking of epic f*ck ups…
Intel’s series of unfortunate events has been almost as impressive as it’s been tragic.
In his defense, Gelsinger inherited a handful of dumpster fires. Like Intel’s inability to figure out the 10nm manufacturing process. That set back INTC nearly 3 years. The original rollout was slated for 2016.
Then there was the major L it took when Apple decided to take chip making in-house.
More recently, the decision to get back into the foundry biz (think: actually making chips vs. just designing them) has been a huge distraction. And trying to compete with TSMC hoovered up capital that could have been used to, oh, I don't know, keep up with Nvidia.
And just in case that wasn't enough, Intel has also managed to lose momentum in its core business (PC chips) *AMD eating Intel’s lunch*.
"Do I really look like a guy with a plan?" - Intel
If it wasn't entirely clear just how bad things were at Intel, this should clear it up: the company fired Gelsinger without a succession plan. Right now CFO David Zinsner and Head of Product MJ Holthaus are acting co-CEOs.
Good news for everyone with an #OpenToWork badge on their LinkedIn profile... head hunters are feverishly searching for Pat's replacement. According to Bloomberg, Marvell CEO Matt Murphy and former Cadence Design CEO Lip-Bu Tan are on the shortlist.
But analysts were quick to point out, "Uhh, if Gelsinger can't save Intel, can anyone?" You see, at one point, Pat was seen as the company’s savior. He was a “product guy” with a strong engineering background that would help Intel get back to its roots…
+ “Look at me, I’m the captain now.” - South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol
South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol just channeled his inner Kim Jong Un (for like 2 hours), declaring martial law in an effort to eradicate “pro-North Korean forces and to protect the constitutional order of freedom.”
Turns out, he was just butthurt about a rejected budget proposal and several impeachment cases aimed at his conservative People Power Party… which coincidentally is what your 13-year-old cousin was about to name his band. Luckily, the fun police in Parliament voted unanimously to end martial law within just a few hours, pouring water on sh*tshow.
Still, the damage was done. The Won and SK stocks dropped on the news (because, obviously). The iShares S. Korea ETF fell by more than 7% at one point but closed down just 1.5% on the day.
+ “Onions!” - Bill Raftery… and McDonald’s customers
The CDC just went all “case closed” on McDonald’s (+0.7%) E. Coli outbreak. The Center wrapped its investigation on the outbreak that made ~100 folks sick in 14 states. The cases of mud butt were linked to onion supplier Taylor Farms, even though, according to the findings, “neither [samples of recalled onions] matched the strain linked to the reported illnesses.” Wait, what?
Either way, Ronald McDonald will mainline about $100M into affected franchises. Just in time for McRib szn.
+ Salesforce (and their God-tier ticker symbol, CRM) (+0.1% // +10.5% after hours) reported a top-line beat, thanks mostly to Salesforce’s Agentforce (read: AI support chatbots), along with a slight bottom-line miss.
Shares still jumped after hours. Why? Simple: 1) Say “Artificial Intelligence” during earnings call 2) watch the stock moon.
+ Ironically, the slowing jobs market is helping J-Poww make the case for keeping his job when #47 takes Office. According to the October JOLTS report, there were slightly more job openings than economists expected. Oh, and layoffs fell by the most in 18 months. The report is just another indication that we might be soft landing as we speak, you guys…
+ Insurance against theft at your front porch is the latest way shoppers are fighting back. Elon needs to lean into ‘porch pirate deterrence’ as a use case for his Optimus robots.
+ I retired at 30 with $540,000 in the bank and ‘I don’t have any regrets’—3 moves that helped me get there. Curious which bridge you live under. Would really like to tell you how dumb you are in person…
🔥 NFL star Rob Gronkowski wanted to ‘go big’ with his first investment at age 25: Now his Apple stock is worth more than $600,000. The amount of shares Gronk bought is the exact number you’d expect Gronk to buy.
FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Chewy, RBC, Dollar Tree, and Foot Locker drop earnings before the bell
+ Synopsis, SentinelOne, ChargePoint report after the close
+ Robinhood hosts an investor day
+ ADP employment data drops
+ US factory order data for October is released
Yesterday, I asked, “What's the worst part of flying?”
Lots of fat shaming…
Morbidly obese seat neighbor
People who stand up and rush out right when the plane gets to the gate
Crying baby
Here’s what some of you had to say (and my thoughts in italics)…
Other: “It's person that thinks the plane is their living room and goes barefoot.”
Other: “The seats are too small/No leg room.”
Other: “The actual flight... How am I the only one who gets anxiety being stuffed into a metal pringles can, getting launched at 500MPH, 5 miles above earth”
Other: “Everything you listed is bad but nothing compares to flying next to a stranger who wants to talk to you for the duration of the flight.” Ask them to sign up for The Water Coolest. They will be entertained for hours.
Other: "Airport Security especially in Philadelphia. Ignorant bunch of sorry a** people” Who hurt you in Philly?
Other: "Actually connecting to the airplane wifi."
And here’s today’s question…
Constellation Brands just offloaded the Svedka vodka brand. So…
What was you go-to (cheap) vodka in college?
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.