Here’s what’s on the agenda today…

Amazon is about to make its fulfillment workers redundant, Zuck slashes AI jobs, and Elon’s brutal quarter.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 12 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

Are you happy now, labor unions?

Amazon $AMZN ( ▲ 0.35% ) just cancelled human fulfillment center workers. In the least surprising news of all time, the e-comm giant announced that it can run pretty much its entire warehouse network with robots. And I’m not gonna lie, I kinda thought this already happened…

Its “Blue Jay” robotics system, which is currently being tested in South Carolina (just in case the economy in the Palmetto State couldn’t get any more bleak), can pick, stow, and sort packages… because f*ck the human race, amirite, Andy Jassy?

In its current form, BJ can deal with nearly 75% of the items at SC the warehouse. It’s so over, you guys…

Oh, that’s good, fulfillment center worker can be upskilled for higher value work like analytics…

Let me stop you right there…

In its press release, Amazon went full spin zone, pointing out that Blue Jay will work alongside current employees and that with all that spare time, those employees will be able to focus on more intellectually stimulating endeavors in the company. Like, say, running those robots.

Just one problem… AMZN unveiled (in literally the same announcement) Project Eluna (why does it sound like a blood thinner made by Pfizer?), an AI agent that would assist with warehouse ops… and probably replace some of those jobs (you know, the ones the warehouse workers would get).

WTF does it mean?

Investors just went from 6 to midnight…

According to the internet, the robotics system alone could replace more than 600k jobs by 2033… while helping sales more than double over the same period.

WTF could it mean for us?

Every lame stream newsletter tells you “wHaT iT MeAnS.” At The Water Coolest, we predict tomorrow’s headlines today…

🔮 Wall Street Journal headline on 1/17/28 (probably): "It’s Over: Human Race Descends Into Chaos"

+ “I don’t want to play with you anymore…” - Zuck

Meta $META ( ▲ 1.38% ) is laying off more than 600 of its AI employees (so, probably people working on the metaverse…). There was one AI group that was spared: TBD Labs. Friendly reminder: those were the nerds Zuck was handing out NBA supermax contracts to.

The blood-letting appears to be new head of AI Alexandr Wang consolidating power. Al came over as part of Meta’s $14.3B “investment” in Scale AI.

+ Ok, don’t freak out, but Tesla is now building “first generation production lines” for its Optimus robots…

But investors only want one thing… girthy quarterly top line and EPS gainz. Tesla $TSLA ( ▲ 4.01% ) shares fell after the company reported a topline beat (thanks mostly to sales being pulled forward because of the end of the EV tax credits)… but a bottom line miss.

Turns out AI and robots are expensive af. Elon cited, among other things, the company’s massive R&D expenses.

+ All in favor of immediately revoking an SEC Chair’s authority if they use the word “hanky-panky” in an official capacity?

Shortseller Enrichment Commission Chair Paul Atkins had us missing Gary Gensler (that’s saying a lot). Pauly Pump And Dump said yesterday that despite the SEC (mostly) being shuttered during the government shutdown, there are still some fun police “monitoring the market for the behavior that indicates, you know, hanky-panky going on in the marketplace.” Wut?

+ Beyond Meat $BYND ( ▼ 4.51% ) stock at one point Wednesday: +112% (yes, on the day)

Beyond Meat stock at the close Wednesday: -1%.

Ah, the life of a showgirl meme stock…

+ Me in 2052 to my grandkids: “When I was in college, marijuana and sports gambling were illegal…”

My grandkids: “Ok, grandpa, let’s get you to bed…”

Just a day after DraftKings bought a CFTC-approved predictions market maker, Kalshi and Polymarket tag-teamed the sports gambling world (again). The NHL inked an official partnership with the Uber and Lyft of prediction markets in the US.

+ US stocks “fell on Wednesday as new developments out of Washington exacerbated concerns among investors about U.S.-China trade relations. Disappointing corporate earnings from companies including Texas Instruments and Netflix also weighed on the major averages.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield was “little changed on Wednesday as investors turned their attention to the upcoming inflation report which is set to offer much-needed insights during an economic data blackout.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “rose strongly Wednesday, rising for the second consecutive day as plans for a U.S.-Russia summit, over the Ukraine war, appeared to have fallen through, pointing to little abatement in the conflict.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 1% chance scientists will prove the earth is flat before the end of 2025. (Polymarket)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ Vertiv, GE Vernova, AT&T, Moody's, Thermo Fisher, Amphenol, Boston Scientific, Hilton, and CME Group dropped earnings before the bell

+ Tesla, IBM, Lam Research, SAP, Viking Therapeutics, Quantumscape, Southwest Airlines, O'Reilly, Kinder Morgan, and Crown Castle reported after hours

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ T-Mobile, Blackstone Group, Honeywell International, American Airlines, Union Pacific, Freeport-McMoran, and Mobileye report before the bell

+ Intel, Ford, Deckers, Newmont Goldcorp, Nexttracker, Digital Realty Trust, Comfort Systems, and Kinsale Group report after hours

Yesterday, I asked, “Is it officially red wine season?”

73.6% of you said, “It's always red wine season, depending on what you're eating.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

That’s it?

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.