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Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Apple is writing checks John Ternus’s a** is gonna have to cash, SBF wants out of prison… duh (and I’m gonna sell T-shirts about it), and OpenAI is going “super” mode, whatever tf that means.
Now, enjoy the next 3 minutes and 48 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
PS… thanks in advance for doing your part in helping keep TWC like the Fed (think: free and independent) by checking out today’s advertising partner.
Hold up, let Tim Cook
Steve Jobs: “1000 songs in your pocket.”
Tim Cook: Apple Car. “Siri… but make it work.”
Timmy Apple kicked off his final WWDC (translation: Worldwide Developers Conference) yesterday, and the “innovations” were pretty, pretty missionary…
First up, Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 1.89% ) plans to release an AI overhaul of Siri after *checks notes* two full years of being insanely behind every other LLM.
The upgraded Siri 2.0 (developed with Google $GOOG ( ▼ 1.2% ), because, too difficult for Apple) will roll out this fall with Apple’s next grift hardware releases.
Friendly reminder: with new CEO Johnny Ternus taking the reins in September, AI-Siri is gonna be John’s first major PR bloodbath shareholder test.
Ironically, Johnny Appleseed wasn’t a part of yesterday’s keynote…
*Polymarket quietly reopens Apple CEO bet…*
“So what are all these ‘upgrades’ about?” - disappointed AAPL shareholders today
Well, apparently, those lucky Apple bootlickers who immediately buy NewSiri will be treating themselves to “broad world knowledge,” more accurate voice-to-text, and virtual assistant features. Yawn.
Oh, and Siri will sound more natural with customizable speech…
Asking for a friend… think we can make it sound like RFK Jr. while it stutters through yet another useless response and then asks me if I want to ask ChatGPT?
Apple shares closed down 1.8% on the day…
I’ll just say it: I’m glad Steve didn’t have to see this.
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+ Better late than never, I suppose…
OpenAI (finally) filed for an IPO. And ChatGPT is really going to be the AskJeeves of the AI game, isn’t it?
The maker of ChatGPT was most recently valued at $850B. That sound you hear is Dario Amodei laughing maniacally. In a statement, OpenAI said, “We have not decided on timing yet,” which is code for “not before Anthropic.”
And that’s a damn shame because there is no shortage of AI players looking to Hoover up liquidity ASAP. Think: SpaceX starts its roadshow this week, Anthropic plans to IPO later this year, and Google just announced an $80B share sale. At least you’ll probably get allocation on Robinhood…
+ Also @sama for some reason…
OpenAI just whipped out the GOATed last-ditch PR stunt of every struggling app: the UX makeover. Apparently, the new ChatGPT “superapp” due… sometime soon… will feature a redesigned interface that pushes users to use coding tools and image generation (how original, guys).
Friendly reminder: Scam Altman is playing in hard mode this Pride month, with OpenAI falling wayyy short of revenue targets and dropping into 3rd place in the AI IPO race (see above)…
Ok, but has Sam considered making the redesign look like this?
+ Just gonna go ahead and write the subject line now (spoiler: it’s “Sam Bankman-Freed”)
Looks like everyone’s favorite FTX fraudster is taking advantage of this yuge BTC dip to beg that he be freed at last. Yesterday, SBF formally requested a presidential pardon from #47…
In case you forgot all about Diddy’s cellmate, Scam Bankman-Fried is currently serving a 25-year federal prison sentence for misusing billions of dollars in customer funds at FTX and Alameda Research. He wasn’t criminally charged for all those nerd gang-bangs he organized, but the court of public opinion certainly found him guilty.
DJT has issued 147 pardons and commutations so far this term, but, friendly reminder, he did say back in January that SBF would not be getting the nod. Friendlier reminder: SBF dumped millions into Democrat PACs in 2020 and 2022. So, some ragrets…
+ May the jobs be with us…
May payroll data dropped on Friday, and it was pretty, pretty decent, actually. Nonfarm payrolls jumped 172k for the month, blowing estimates (think: 80k) out of the water (because, math.)
The funemployment rate surprised absolutely no one by chilling at the expected 4.3%. Leisure and hospitality put the team on their back with 70k jobs added, while local government put up another 55k.
And you thought AI was gonna replace us all by now…
> Trump’s $100,000 H-1B Visa Application Fee Rejected by Judge // Some people just hate yuge deals…
> Strategy Snaps Up $100 Million in Bitcoin // Congratulations, Michael Saylor played all of you.
> (Sunday) Trump Says Fed Rate Increase Would Be Wrong Ahead of Warsh Debut // “But it’s totally your call, bro.”
> (Sunday) OPEC+ approves fourth oil output quota hike since Hormuz closure // As if it was really a choice…
> (Friday) Google to pay SpaceX $920 million a month for compute capacity at xAI data centers // Compute Cost Circle Jerk 2: In Space
> (Friday) Trump administration, OpenAI discussing possible government stake in the AI startup // Just do it already then.
> I just… it writes itself:
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Ad disclaimers below
On Friday, I asked, “Where does the TWC hivemind stand on BTC these days?”
60.4% of you said, “I never went in. FODL.”
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
I am in, but I think I want out: “Can I get out?” Sure, I’ll give you $5 per BTC right now.
I’m in big. HODL: “If you don't need the money now, set it and forget it (shout out rotisserie showtime cooker). Same as your 401k.” Unless it’s worthless by then… TBD.
I never went in. FODL: “Just like John Oliver said. It combines everything I don't know about technology with everything I don't know about finance (that's why I subscribe to this newsletter... to learn).” This is not financial advice.
I’m in big. HODL: “Just bought more "air"...guess I'm in it for the long-term and hopefully we will be ok after the SpaceX, Anthropic, and OpenAI IPO's sucking up some of this money right now...PRAYERS NEED :)” Thoughts and prayers, friend.
I’m in big. HODL: “It's bear market time, and its always the same. Panic all around. Buy the blood. Then after the next halving, I'm buying hot tubs and going on month long vacations.” That’s the spirit.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Should Donny Clemency actually pardon SBF or nah?
+ US stocks got rekt Friday (S&P 500: -2.6%) but recovered Monday (S&P 500: +0.3%) with tech stonks bouncing back from a quick lil’ AI panik. Let’s check in on some big movers over the past few days…
🔴 Weight loss drug maker sinks 23% after new safety data spooks investors // Investing in big pharma has gotta deliver the same rush as a Vegas trip with the boys.
🟢 Corning shares jump 4% after company strikes deal to power Amazon AI data centers in U.S. // I don’t understand how fiber optic works, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.
🟢 Intel Gains on Report That Google Will Use It to Make Chips // Is this a Make-A-Wish thing? Really solid move by Google.
+ The 10-year yield surged on Friday and kept right on climbing Monday for a 2-week high. Fun fact: same nickname we gave my buddy in high school after he ate some very special brownies.
+ Oil prices fell on Friday but mooned early Monday after Iran and Israel went ahead and kept on hitting each other with missile strikes. Oh, then Tehran announced an end to military operations, which did help…
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s a 55% chance we’re getting a rate hike this year. (Polymarket)
Oh, and one more thing…
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