On Saturday, I sent an update on the F*CK ZUCK WATER COOLEST REFERRAL PROGRAM. Last month, you guys raised $154 for the Shriner’s Hospital by referring 154 people to The Water Coolest.

That’s pretty f*cking awesome.

But I think we can do better.

Friendly reminder: for every subscriber a weekday warrior refers to The Water Coolest, I’ll donate $1 to the charity you guys decide to send the money to. Oh, and you’ll get some free stuff for yourself.

Here are all the details…

Share your unique referral link (below) with anyone you think might be interested in The Water Coolest. You can email it, post it on social, etc. Get creative.

Your unique referral link: {{rp_refer_url}}

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Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 13 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

- tyler

+ US stocks “edged higher after a quiet day of mixed trading Monday following their latest winning week.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year Treasury yield “ticked higher Monday as investors looked ahead to fresh economic data and comments from Federal Reserve officials slated for the week." (CNBC)

+ Oil “eased less than 1% on Monday as U.S. Federal Reserve officials said they were awaiting more signs that inflation was declining before the central bank starts cutting interest rates.” (Reuters)

+ Bitcoin “is back above $70,000 for the first time in over a month as investors throw money at ETFs again—and hype over Ethereum ETFs grows.” (Decrypt)

+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia +2.4% 2) Hims & Hers +27.6% 3) GameStop +4.1%

The market moves you need to know about…

+ Bushels of wheat can’t stop, won’t stop. Wheat for July delivery rose 5.8% on news out of Russia that bad weather threatens the crop’s yield. An escalation in the Russian-Ukraine war is also putting upward pressure on the grain.

– Do you have too much money and really wish there was a get-poor-quick scheme? Boy, do I have an investment opportunity for you. Peloton is offering $275M in convertible senior notes due in 2029. It’s also entering into a $1B 5-year term loan and $100M revolving credit facility. Its plan to stop the bleeding spooked investors. Shares fell 3.5% after hours.

+ Shares of website builder Wix mooned 23.8% after reporting a better-than-expected quarter and hiking its full-year guidance. And it’s got its AI Website Builder to thank.

Me: “Can we stop for Ozempic?”

My mom: “We have Ozempic at home.”

Hims & Hers (+27.6%), the online pharmacy most well-known for generic b*ner pills and hair loss testaments, is getting into the weight loss game. Well, technically it launched weight loss solutions last year, but said it will begin offering GLP-1 injections to patients.

But don’t for a second think you’re about to get real Ozempic or Wegovy. Those doses are harder to come by than Adderall and Zyn.

Hims will roll out a GLP-1 compound that will be just as effective as the real thing. Think: store brand Ozepmic.

A “compound” is a workaround for drug manufacturers to produce a drug “for an individual patient.” It’s actually not overseen by the FDA, which is kinda concerning if we’re being totally honest…

Hims said it cut a deal with one of the largest generic manufacturers in the world, which makes sense considering it expects weight loss to be a $100M biz.

Shares soared nearly 30% on the day… and can we get a wellness check on Weight Watchers shareholders?

+ Your move, Walmart…

Target (-2.1%) is getting its rollback on. The big box retailer announced that it is slashing prices on nearly 5k everyday products, like milk, diapers, and signs that read “Wine O’clock” which women named Nance just can’t get enough of.

The move comes just days after Walmart shared a healthy outlook… thanks largely to bargain hunters.

+ Satya Nadella has the opportunity to do something legendary (spoiler: it’s bringing back Clippy)…

Microsoft (+1.2%) kicked off its Build developer conference by announcing that literally every single product will be AI-enabled from here on out… whether you like it or not.

Probably the biggest reveal was the Copilot+ PC, which sounds a lot like a regular PC but is “AI-first”… whatever the f*ck that actually means.

And what would an AI event without a product rollout that seems problematic? Microsoft’s Recall feature is exactly what it sounds like. Everything you do on the PC will be recorded and used to train your very own AI chatbot.

You’ll be able to search everything from Twitter DMs to PowerPoint slides, all in natural language. Microsoft was quick to reassure us that not everything (hint hint) needs to be recorded. Oh, and your data won’t be used to train LLMs. In fact, your recordings will live locally on your PC.

+ Bad news for all the certified horn dogs out there (and good news for Colin Jost)…

OpenAI is pulling the plug on one of its chatbot voice options, Sky. Users pointed out that it sounded an awful lot like Scarlett Johansson, who famously voiced Samantha in the movie ‘Her.’ The film co-starting Joaquin Phoenix chronicles a man who fell in love with an AI chatbot.

Things got even worse for Sam Altman and ChatGPT yesterday when ScarJo said that she had been approached by OpenAI to license her voice… and declined.

+ Hear me out… “less than 5 years” lines up perfectly with the next presidential election cycle…

During JPMorgan’s (-4.5%) investor day, CEO Jamie Dimon said the timeline for his retirement “isn’t five years anymore.” Friendly reminder: JD has been saying he’s got 5 more years in him since Lehman Brothers was still a thing…

+ This 3-word phrase will stop people from interrupting you, says public speaking expert (Read)

+ How to buy a great bottle of wine—and which ones to ‘stay completely away from,’ according to a sommelier (Read)

Yesterday we were keeping an eye on earnings from Palo Alto Networks. Plus, Microsoft’s AI event.

+ Investors went all “that don't impress me much” when Palo Alto (+1.8% // -8.3% after hours) reported disappointing earnings and shared an even worse outlook.

+ Check out all the details (read: AI tools) of Microsoft’s event above

Here's what we’re keeping an eye on today...

+ Lowe's and Xpeng report this AM

+ We hear from a bunch more Fed speakers

Yesterday, I asked, “Would you rather fly on the Boeing Starliner OR put your entire life savings in GameStop stock?”

46.9% of you answered, “Does it really matter? Your life is over either way…” Between the two actual options… Boeing Starliner won in a landslide.

Here’s today’s question…

Reply directly to this email. I’ll share some of the best answers tomorrow.

Before you go…

10/10 execution of a Red Lobster bankruptcy dad joke (Tweet)

This Anthony Bourdain meme template is one of the best on the internet right now (Tweet)

Oh, and…

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.