Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Google rekt the other hyperscalers, the Fed still won’t give us a d*mn rate cut, and Chipotle may be pulling a Starbucks (read: successful turnaround).
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 10 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Google-opoly
Meta, Amazon, and Microsoft: “But we did good too!”
Markets picking Google: “It is decided.”
Yuge earnings day yesterday… stay with me here.
Meta $META ( ▼ 0.33% ), Amazon $AMZN ( ▲ 1.29% ), Microsoft $MSFT ( ▼ 1.12% ), and Google $GOOG ( ▼ 0.06% ) all reported earnings after the bell, but there was only one winner.
The artist kind of known as Alphabet reported a big swingin’ revenue beat ($109.9B for the quarter, with a 20% increase from last year).
That’s the highest rate of growth Google’s seen in any quarter since 2022.
Why? Google Cloud Platform is crushing all those in its path, with a backlog of $460B. Oh, and Gemini Enterprise grew 40% during the quarter. Save some for the rest of us, Sundar.
Shares jumped more than 7% after hours on the results.
As for the less impressive hyperscalers…
Microsoft delivered a top and bottom line beat, with revenue up 18% YoY. So shares obviously slid over 7% after hours…
Amazon dropped a massive earnings and revenue beat, with cloud sales jumping 28% YoY. And shares sank (at first) before ending the extended sesh in the green.
And even Meta reported earnings wins and 33% revenue growth from last year. So, of course, shares sank over 7% after hours… which, actually, this one kinda makes sense given Zuck’s AI track record.
And this is why you never bet against Google…
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+ Nobody:
J-Poww:
Yesterday, the Fed did pretty much the only thing it seems to do anymore (spoiler: nothing). Still, turns out four FOMC members disagreed with the decision…
We haven’t seen that level of director dissent since the year of our Lord 1992. But it doesn’t matter much. We still aren’t getting a rate cut from J-Poww and Co., which, ever heard of going out on top, Jer?
Speaking of J’s retirement, apparently it’s off. J-Poww announced his intention to stay on as a member of the Board of Governors after his chair term expires on May 15. Per the Central Bank’s top-ranking Deadhead, “I’ve said that I will not leave the board until this investigation is well and truly over with transparency and finality, and I stand by that.”
*cue inevitable Truth Social rant from the leader of the free world*
+ Bill Ackman’s dual-IPO dropped yesterday, and it wasn’t as much of a disaster as his pro tennis debut…
But it wasn’t great either.
Pershing Square Inc. $PS ( 0.0% ) (think: the asset manager) closed slightly up for the day, while Pershing Square USA $PSUS ( ▼ 18.2% ) (think: the closed-end fund) tanked 18%. Oof.
Still, the IPO raised $5B, so Billy’s on his way to copying Warren Buffett’s life building the next Berkshire Hathaway. Just, less impressive than the $25B target from two years ago…
+ Burritos > big tech
Now for the earnings we really cared about yesterday…
Chipotle $CMG ( ▲ 0.37% ) blew everyone’s tits off after posting a revenue beat and meeting earnings expectations. The OG burrito slop chain landed Q1 net income of $302.8M, funded mostly by your mom.
But what really had after hours traders bricked up was the 0.5% same-store growth. Friendly reminder: sales fell last quarter. Shares jumped after hours on the news.
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> PayPal’s new CEO makes Venmo a standalone business unit as potential buyers circle (CNBC) // Ah yes, the classic “break out the only thing that’s working” move.
> It’s not just annoying when you send me AI emails, it’s obvious…
Yesterday, I asked, “What are we thinking about Starbucks these days?”
45.6% of you said, “Tolerable. If it’s the only option for coffee or a snack, it’s fine.” Ya gotta do what you gotta do.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Tolerable. If it’s the only option for coffee or a snack, it’s fine: “I always feel bad for the workers, I would need an 8ball to pull an 8-hour shift at Starbucks or Waffle House.” I think they feel the same way.
Decent. Worth a short work session or an occasional latte: “Local roaster > Starbucks > Dunkin’. This is based purely on drip coffee and cold brew.” Trigger warning for the Boston people.
Excellent. I go there all the time: “I was born in Cuba, we Cubans are fans of strong coffee, Starbucks saves my life when I am traveling here in the USA and around the world. Beside the espresso it has a decent menu, healthier than say Dennys or God forbid IHOP.” How is this both an elitist take and completely not at the same time?
Other (write-in): “Starbucks doesn’t sell white monster, ergo they don’t exist. If my wife needs a coffee, enjoy a delicious Wawa frozen coffee where they’re fisting Oreos in to a blended coffee. I need my white monsters and Zyn to for my pick me ups.” Trust me, we can tell you like white monster and zyn…
Horrible. I would skip coffee before drinking Starbucks: “Why pay outrageous prices for water and a coffee bean when you can buy a six pack and take a vacation of your dreams.” Get help, friend.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Quick check-in to stay current... How much are you using AI these days?
+ US stocks “finished little changed on Wednesday ahead of high-profile earnings reports and after a divided Federal Reserve kept interest rates steady but muddied the outlook for easing.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “rose on Wednesday after the Federal Reserve kept interest rates unchanged during what could be Jerome Powell’s final policy meeting as Federal Reserve chair.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “jumped on Wednesday, after media reports about an extended U.S. naval blockade and a rejection of a peace proposal by Iran kept tensions elevated in the Middle East.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s a 28% chance that Zoom gets acquired this year. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ SoFi Technologies, AbbVie, Lemonade, Amphenol, Automatic Data Processing, Etsy, GE HealthCare, Garmin, Fiverr, General Dynamics, Humana, Wingstop, AstraZeneca, UBS, GlaxoSmithKline, Phillips 66, TotalEnergies, Regeneron Pharmaceuticals, Canadian National Railway, EMCOR Group, Brinker International, Generac, Old Dominion Freight Line, Banco Santander, Stanley Black & Decker, Biogen, Yum! Brands, and Carpenter Technology reported before the bell
+ Amazon, Microsoft, Meta Platforms, Alphabet, Qualcomm, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Carvana, Ford Motor Company, KLA Corporation, VICI Properties, eBay, Viking Therapeutics, The Cheesecake Factory, Sprouts Farmers Market, PROCEPT BioRobotics, Equinix, Teladoc Health, O'Reilly Automotive, Viavi Solutions, Canadian Pacific Kansas City, Aflac, Vista Energy, TTM Technologies, Kinross Gold, FTAI Aviation, Allstate, MGM Resorts, Align Technology, and FormFactor reported after the bell
+ Uber held its annual product showcase in New York City (which I presume is just someone using Uber Eats to order a $37 slop bowl)
+ Coca-Cola held its annual meeting
+ The Federal Reserve announced its interest rate decision, and J-Poww held a press conference
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Eli Lilly, Mastercard, Caterpillar, Merck, Altria, Bristol Myers Squibb, Crocs, Royal Caribbean, Hershey, Cigna, L3Harris Technologies, ConocoPhillips, T. Rowe Price, Wayfair, Quanta Services, Southern Company, Sirius XM, Valero Energy, Air Products and Chemicals, Blue Owl Capital, Carrier Global, Builders FirstSource, Cardinal Health, Intercontinental Exchange, Vision Marine Technologies, Iron Mountain, Parker-Hannifin, Trane Technologies, and Illinois Tool Works reported before the bell
+ Apple, Reddit, Rivian, Zeta Global, SNDL, Western Digital, Roblox, Roku, First Solar, Twilio, Atlassian, Riot Platforms, Amgen, Stryker, Monolithic Power Systems, DexCom, AXT Inc., GoDaddy, Agnico Eagle Mines, Clorox, and Illumina reported after the bell
+ Roblox's new Plus subscription, priced at $4.99 per month, launches
+ The April core PCE price index report will be released. Economists forecast an increase to 3.3% for the core rate
+ The European Central Bank will release its policy statement
Oh, and one more thing…
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