Hey there weekday warriors,
Today, I’d like to send a big congrats to my former colleague (and presumably loyal weekday warrior) Alex Cooper (who I never actually spoke to… or met).
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 18 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
PS, want to get your product or service in front of more than 100k rich, good-looking, and intelligent newsletter subscribers? We’re booking ads for Q4 right f*cking now. Reach out via this form and I’ll be in touch.
+ US stocks “took a breather on Tuesday to snap their longest rally this year, with all three major indexes closing in the red as the focus shifts to Fed Chair Powell's speech at Jackson Hole later this week.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year Treasury yield was “little changed on Tuesday as investors wait for commentary from the Federal Reserve on inflation, interest rates and the economy.” (CNBC)
+ Oil fell “to a two-week low on Tuesday as Middle East supply concerns eased after Israel accepted a proposal to tackle disagreements blocking a ceasefire deal in Gaza, and as economic weakness in China weighed on fuel demand.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin “climbed on Tuesday, tracking broader gains across risk-driven markets amid growing bets that the Federal Reserve will begin cutting interest rates in September.” (Investing)
+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Nvidia -2.1% 2) Intuitive Machines +33.4% 3) AST SpaceMobile -11.0%
The market moves you need to know about…
+ Palo Alto Networks popped 7.1% after offering up a rosy outlook and boosting its share buyback program. The jump was the largest in nearly a year… which tells me one thing: PANW’s marketing team hasn’t found out that ‘AI’ is an absolute cheat code.
– “Hey, it could be worse, we could be Home Depot.” Lowe’s shared a pretty bleak outlook for the remainder of the year as consumers pump the brakes on home repairs and upgrades. The stock fell 1.1% on the day. Friendly reminder: its mortal enemy, Home Depot, plummeted more than 3% last week when it reported.
+ Amer Sports just reported a yuge quarter. You might know them as the maker of Wilson tennis rackets and that outerwear brand you don’t know how to pronounce, so you just decided to buy Canada Goose instead (think: Arc'teryx). The beat and raise sent shares up 10.3% Tuesday.
Gluck Gluck 125,000,000
Source: Giphy
It is Alex Cooper’s world, and we’re all just living in it…
SiriusXM (+6.9%… this is pretty perfect) has backed up the Brinks’ truck for the supreme leader of the Daddy Gang. She’s abandoning Spotify (+0.5%) for a $125M payday. Sofia with an F has gotta be so butt hurt right now…
The three-year deal will give the satellite radio provider exclusive ad and distribution rights to the Call Her Daddy podcast, plus the other pods on Alex’s Unwell Network (think: Alix Earle’s show).
CHD will still be available on Spotify and other platforms, but the home of Yacht Rock Radio has earned the opportunity to figure out how the f*ck they’re going to recoup Alex’s 9-figure payday monetize the Daddy Gang.
This isn’t the first time in recent months that Sirius has thrown f*ck you money at talent. It gave Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes $100M to bring their podcasting talents (think: SmartLess) to SiriusXM.
And if it feels like you’ve heard this podcast before, that’s because you have…
Spotify deployed a similar (audio) playbook, making it rain on every celebrity with a webcam and a hot take. Some panned out (see: Joe Rogan and Alex Cooper) and some flopped (think: Prince Harry & Meghan Markle and the Obamas).
SPOT ultimately reversed course on its $1B podcasting bet, laying off hundreds of employees and letting even some of the most talented slingers of Athletic Greens walk away…
To be fair…
SIRI is on the ropes (read: down 40% YTD)…
The company is desperate for growth. And bringing in one of the most popular podcasters in the US is probably a good way to attract subscribers who aren’t Buick lessees enjoying their 3-month SiriusXM free trial.
+ The Paramount/National Amusement sales saga is kinda like herpes… it flares up every few weeks and everybody is pretty grossed out by it.
Just when we thought David Ellison’s Skydance was about to put us all out of our misery by finalizing a deal for Paramount (-1.1%), ending months of speculation, a new bidder slid into Shari Redstone’s LinkedIn DMs.
Media exec Edgar Bronfman Jr. is looking to cuck Ellison with a $4.3B bid just two days before the end of the 45-day go-shop period.
If you’re thinking, “Wait, didn’t Skydance offer $8.8B for Paramount?”… you’re not wrong. But that’s because Skydance’s deal includes the valuation of Skydance Media.
That’s not the only difference, either. Bronfman also isn’t planning on offering any immediate payout to non-voting shareholders. Because f*ck ‘em, that’s why.
+ Alaska (+0.03%) and Hawaiian Airlines (+11.3%) have done the unthinkable: complete a merger in 2024 (well, almost…).
On Tuesday, the deadline for the DOJ to block the airline merger came and went, culminating in the most anticlimactic “approval” ever. JetBlue and Spirit probably punching air right now…
Technically, it’s not a done deal. The Department of Transportation will need to sign off on the $1.9B acquisition. No word on how long Mayor Pete will take to make his decision…
+ In what is the least surprising news ever, Harley-Davidson (-0.7%) said it’s abandoning all diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives… probably because it didn’t want to risk Kid Rock destroying a Harley with an AR-15.
It joins Tractor Supply (name a more blue-collar duo… I’ll wait) in eliminating DEI roles and giving zero f*cks about things like carbon emissions from here on out.
HOG (GOATed ticker) had been taking heat from conservative activists and its customer base…
Oh, and…
+ Amazon-backed Anthropic hit with class-action lawsuit over copyright infringement. “I, for one, am shocked.” - no one ever
+ Eli Lilly’s weight loss drug slashes the risk of developing diabetes in long-term trial. Zepbound is a hell of a drug…
+ ‘You have to think long-term’: Young people should aim to avoid these 3 common money mistakes, say financial experts. “Stop buying so much avocado toast”
+ 7 Types of Homes Expected To Soar in Value by the End of 2025. Bad news tiny home owners…
+ WebStreet buys and operates cash-flowing websites and SaaS businesses for accredited investors to invest in. So far, WebStreet has delivered 11.4% cash returns and is on track for 20%+ IRR.
🔥 How to position yourself to benefit from the Fed’s first rate cut in years, according to financial experts. J-Poww strikes me as a doggy-style kinda guy…
🔥 Amazon Can’t Stop Shoppers from Using These 5 Hacks. Imagine paying full price.
FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.
⏪ Yesterday, we were keeping an eye on earnings from Lowe’s, Medtronics, and Xpeng before the bell.
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ TJX Companies, Analog Devices, Target, and Macy's report before the bell
+ Snowflake and Zoom release earnings after the close
+ The Quarterly Census of Employment and Wages will drop. It'll be watched closely for clues about the economy.
+ The Fed releases minutes from its most recent meeting
Yesterday, I asked, “You can get one food item for free from 7-Eleven for the rest of your life. Which is it?”
It was crowded at the top...
Zyn & Monster (white) combo (23.6%)
Roller dog
Taquito
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my thoughts in italics)…
Roller dog: "There simply is no better way to cook a dog. Low, slow, and on a roll!" Everyone with a Big Green Egg just died a little bit inside after hearing ‘low and slow’ in this context…
Write in: "Fritos Flavor Twists Honey BBQ"
Taquito: "Fiji water probably needs to be a choice going forward...just saying."
Write in: "Buttered roll. Back on LI I used to get 2 of those and a 20oz coffee for the 530 AM 45-minute drive to the golf course. A perfect morning! Until I teed off." Buttered rolls = chef’s kiss.
Here’s today’s question…
SiriusXM got me thinking about the best free samples in the game…
What is the best kinda free sample?
+ If you’re unfamiliar with SportsBall’s data visualizations, I’ll just leave this sports calendar right here…
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.