Here’s what’s on the agenda today…

Zuck wants us to do more hand stuff, J-Poww tells markets what they wanted to hear, and a potential Apple-Google collab is brewing.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 23 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who owns the Meta smartglasses unironically. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste forward this to you? Subscribe here.

Have you ever looked at someone wearing Meta Ray-Bans and said, “the only way that dude could pull more tail is if he was wearing a connected wristband?”

Well, it’s your lucky day, because rumor has it that at its annual hardware event next month, Meta $META ( ▼ 1.77% ) plans to roll out new smart glasses as well as a wristband that can control features in the glasses.

You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention…

The glasses, code-named Hypernova, will launch in collaboration with EssilorLuxottica. And they’ll be the first to feature a tiny screen in the right lens that will let you read texts, look at photos… and check to see if you’ve been added to the registered s*x offender list for wearing your creepy spy glasses within 1k yards of the local Chuck E. Cheese.

They’re expected to run consumers $800… which means Zuck will only need to sell approximately 87.5M pairs to recoup the $70B the Reality Labs group at Meta has pissed away since 2020.

And since talking to yourself in public is generally frowned upon, Meta is giving its smartglasses a new control feature that isn’t voice-activated. The Meta wristband will use electrical signals created by hand gestures to control devices… presumably only after Zuck ruled out stealing a page from Mr. Garrison’s IT and using "flexi-grip handles."

But it already sounds like this is a bigger nightmare for Zuck’s devs than giving people legs in Horizon World. If users don’t wear the wrist device tightly enough, it might not work. And god forbid they wear a long-sleeve shirt… or put it on the wrong arm. This is shaping up to be the most disappointing controller since the Titan submarine used a PlayStation gamepad…

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+ “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?” - markets on Friday

Investors were hanging on every word of J-Poww’s speech in Jackson Hole on Friday. And Mr. Too Late played nothing but the hits at what is essentially the Burning Man for US economic policy (… just with more unprotected s*x and intravenous drugs).

Per the DJ D-Sol of the Central Bank, the changing economic landscape “may warrant adjusting our policy stance.” And that’s pretty much all the Street needed to hear to assume fat rate cuts are inbound in September.

In case you’re wondering what exactly that change is… according to Jerome, the Fed is becoming increasingly more concerned about the deteriorating job market.

+ Pimpin’ ain’t easy, but it is lucrative af. Just ask Leonid Radvinsky.

The founder of OnlyF*ns has figured out how to turn daddy issues into f*ck you money. Last year, Leonid was paid a $701M “dividend” from OnlyFans. That is not a typo. Overall, OF took in $7.2B from incels subscribers, which meant the businesses’ cut was $1.4B. That’s 9% growth YOY.

That girthy growth is going to come in handy when Leo heads to the negotiation table… which will probably looks something like this…

The founder of OF is reportedly shopping the platform for more than $8B… to what will undoubtedly be a bunch of horny old white dudes.

+ “I can fix her". - Sundar Pichai about Siri

Just how bad have things gotten over at Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 0.17% ) on the AI front? The iPhone maker is considering just kinda giving up on its own models and begging Google to let Gemini power the Siri revamp that keeps getting delayed.

Friendly reminder: the last time Apple and Google collabed, it ended in a major antitrust L for Alphabet that could force the company to break apart (think: Google ponying up ~$20B per year to make sure Bing never became the default search engine of the iPhone).

+ Second-rate soda and coffee maker Keurig Dr. Pepper has plans to add the Mr. Pibb of coffee chains to its portfolio. Keurig Dr. Pepper $KDP ( ▲ 0.03% ) is reportedly this close to buying Peet’s Coffee for $18B… or approximately $15B more than I would have guessed Peet’s market cap was.

If the deal goes through, the Street expects Keurig and Peet’s to split from Dr. Pepper and its portfolio of drinks that includes Snapple and Ghost energy.

+ Nothing can bring people together quite like a mutual disdain of Sam Altman. Despite previous attempts to mud wrestle fight each other at the Colosseum, Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg reportedly discussed Eiffel towering OpenAI. According to Sam Altman’s lawyers, Elon was recruiting Zuck to join his crew of investors offering $97B for the AI company (… that’s currently looking to raise at a $500B valuation).

+ US stocks “soared on Friday as Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell opened the door to a September rate cut during his highly anticipated speech at Jackson Hole.” (Yahoo! Finance)

+ The 10-year yield “fell on Friday after Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell signaled that interest rate cuts could be on the horizon.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices steadied on Friday amid uncertainty surrounding a potential peace deal between Russia and Ukraine, with prices gaining on the week for the first time in three weeks.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 57% chance Darth Vader’s lightsaber goes for more than $3.25M at auction. (Kalshi)

⏪ On Friday…

+ J-Poww gave a highly anticipated speech in Jackson Hole

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ PDD Holdings reports before the bell

+ Heico Corp reports after hours

Friday, I asked, “What weapon are you taking into battle?”

35.6% of you picked “5.“

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

This weekend, I got totally f*cked by a fast-food chain. Here’s a hint: it rhymes with MidRonald’s. Went to the drive-thru, got home, and realized we got the wrong Happy Meal main (burger instead of nuggs). One-way ticket to meltdown city (I obviously went back). So…

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.