TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Tesla remains consistently disappointing, DJT doesn’t care if the Dow hits 50k ever again, and Starbucks is bribing baristas to ackrite.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 17 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Full Self-Disaster
Somebody make sure Grok is ok…
Tesla $TSLA ( ▼ 5.42% ) had itself a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day yesterday.
Diablo 4’s most dedicated player delivered some seriously weak sauce for Q1, following 2 years of annual declines.
The company that thought people would actually buy Cybertrucks delivered only 358k vehicles in Q1, compared to analysts’ (already sorta pathetic) expectations of 370k.
Technically, that’s a 6% improvement from last year’s Q1 (reminder: 336k). You know, back when Elon was busy p*ssing literally everyone off playing civil servant.
Shares tumbled over 5% on the day, adding to TSLA’s 20% slip so far this year.
Friendly reminder that CEO Phony Stark has been on a tear to refocus operations on becoming the leaders in the robot clubhouse with Optimus after sunsetting the Model S and X.
But it wasn’t all bad news for Elon stans yesterday. There was also some batsh*t insane news…
Remember SpaceX’s *former* targeted $1.75T valuation? Well…
Turns out Elon doesn’t just want to beat @sama, he wants to BURY him, he wants to humiliate him.
SpaceX just pumped its target IPO valuation above $2T. For context, that’d make it bigger than all but 5 companies in the S&P 500. So Tesla’s sorta got that going for them, which is nice.
With that kinda valuation, hopefully SpaceX can do better than NASA…
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+ Bye Bye Birdie Bondi
Another cabinet member bites the dust. Donny Justice just went all “you’re fired” to Attorney General Pam Bondi. Turns out #47 wasn’t thrilled with Pam’s handling of those pesky Epstein files. And the DOJ’s inability to lock up James Comey…
Ok, but where’s the Dow at tho?
+ Tipping culture is out of control
Brian Niccol just spun around the figurative corporate iPad and went all “just one quick question for you on there.” Starbucks $SBUX ( ▼ 0.07% ) will begin offering annual employee bonuses of up to $1,200 for stores that hit sales and customer service targets.
Plus, the Chipotle of burnt bean water will expand tipping options for customers at the counter and on the app. *everyone disliked that*
It’s all part of B. Nic’s plan to increase profitability. Friendly reminder that the ‘buck’s latest earnings showed profits down to a measly $293M compared to $780M a year earlier…
+ Puff, puff, pass (the extra costs on to the next sucker)
Amazon $AMZN ( ▼ 0.38% ) is passing the economic savings pain on to its sellers who use their shipping services in a move that will 100%, definitely not be passed immediately on to us, the consumers (lol). Prime Co. is tacking on a cool 3.5% “fuel and logistics” charge for sellers buying shipping services.
Why? The war (duh). But honestly, it ain’t terrible compared to the USPS’s planned 8% increase…
You need a side hustle.
How do I know? Because everyone needs one. Never forget: your full-time job doesn't care about you.
You may be dedicated to your work, but it can leave you high and dry at any moment.
Your side hustle(s) will always be there for you.
> Microsoft takes on AI rivals with three new foundational models (TechCrunch) // “Wow, I can’t wait to try it!” - nobody
> OpenAI acquires popular tech podcast TBPN (CNBC) // …what? Um, maybe I should stop calling him Scam Altman all the time… Sup, Sam…
> Nicely done, Justin Herbert…
Yesterday I asked, “Which childhood medicine was actually kind of delicious now that you're looking back?”
31.3% of you said, “Flintstones vitamins (the hard chewed kind).” Hard to match that kind of legacy.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Flintstones vitamins (the hard chewed kind): “I never had them, but my friends did so I'd sneak them at their houses.” The things we do for our health.
Pedialyte: “Childhood? Pedialyte is the best hangover reliever known to mankind.” Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?
Purple drank (read: grape cough medicine): “I remember a girl in middle school bringing in a bottle to drank. Middle of math class. Flossin like a BOSS." Savage.
Flintstones vitamins (the hard chewed kind): “BARNEY WAS HARD AS A ROCK, BUT THEN AGAIN THAT WAS WHAT YOU EXPECTED...JUST LIKE THE FLINTSTONES.” I had to read that twice.
That delicious pink bubblegum kinda medicine (actually amoxicillin): “I would do some amoxicillin right now if I had it.” This is why antibiotics are becoming ineffective…
Other (write-in): “Them Luden's WILD CHERRY Throat Drops pop'n like tic tacs all day in elementary school!” This write-in got a lot of love so… sup, Luden.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Rockets are so d*mn back, apparently. And Artemis II is out there on its way to the hollow secret alien base the moon. So what I need to know is…
How much would NASA have to pay you to go on the Artemis II mission? Rules: The more you ask for, the less likely you get chosen... (Reminder: the toilet is unreliable and you don't actually get to go TO the moon, just fly around it)
+ US stocks “ripped higher from their steep losses earlier in the day to briefly turn positive after Iranian state media said that the Middle Eastern country is working with Oman on a protocol to “monitor” ships passing through the Strait of Hormuz.” (CNBC)
+ The 10-year yield “ticked lower on Thursday as traders assessed the latest U.S.-Iran war developments to close out a wild, holiday-shortened week.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “settled more than 11% higher and Brent soared nearly 8% on Thursday in volatile trading, as traders worried about prolonged disruptions to oil supply the day after President Donald Trump said the United States would continue attacks on Iran.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s only a 16% chance that Strait of Hormuz traffic returns to normal by the end of April. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Booking Holdings started trading on a split-adjusted basis following its 25-for-1 stock split
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ The U.S. stock market and bond market will be closed for observance of the Good Friday holiday
+ The March jobs report will be released
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
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