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Here’s what’s on the agenda today…

Perplexity tries to buy Chrome, CPI data comes in cooler than expected, and Elon and Sam Altman need to kiss and make up already. But first…

Let’s take a look back at the August 13, 2022 edition of The Water Coolest…

We dove into the story of CEO Braden Wallake, who posted a selfie of himself crying on LinkedIn… and proceeded to get eviscerated by the entire internet. Turns out being a baby back b*tch vulnerable after you make a bunch of layoffs is a good way to go viral for all the wrong reasons. Hope you’re hanging in there, Brad…

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 28 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who cries at work. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste forward this to you? Subscribe here.

Whoever told Perplexity’s CEO, “it doesn’t hurt to ask” should be fired…

Yesterday, the AI search engine came off the top rope with an unsolicited $34.5B offer to acquire Google $GOOGL ( ▼ 0.41% ) Chrome. Yes, the Google Chrome owned by Alphabet that is currently the most popular browser in the world.

And in other news, The Water Coolest has made an unsolicited $69B bid for Amazon Web Services…

I’ll save you the trip to Crunchbase: the $34.5B offer is greater than Perplexity’s current valuation, and not by a little bit (it’s ~$18B). To be fair, Perplexity claimed it had secured funding from outside investors should the deal materialize.

“Help me help you”

In Perplexity’s defense, there’s a greater than zero chance Chrome might be up for sale in the not-too-distant future anyway. The DOJ suggested Alphabet divest Chrome after it lost a major antitrust suit last year. So, actually Perplexity is kinda doing Sundar Pichai a solid…

You might recall this wasn’t Perplexity’s first… perplexing proposed M&A. It also offered to merge with TikTok, presumably out of the kindness of its heart, after realizing the sticky situation the Chinese social app had found itself in.

Perplexity has also been on the receiving end of unwanted advances. Zuck reportedly reached out earlier this year with what was probably a comically large sum of money… but the two couldn’t come to an agreement.

And I guess this says all you need to know about what Perplexity thinks about its browser’s (Comet) chances against the entrenched incumbents…

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+ This song on repeat yesterday…

CPI data for July just came in below economists’ expectations (2.7% vs. 2.8%) and pretty much everyone is saying the same thing: “we ready” for a rate cut, J-Poww. Especially, POTUS.

Markets popped on the news as economists up and down the Street agree it’s about damn time the Fed slashes rates. Traders are now pricing in a 94% chance of a cut in September vs. just an 85% prior to the print.

And I think it’s safe to assume stocks never go down again.**

** This is not financial advice

+ “Look how they massacred my boy…” - Cava investors looking at the stock chart after hours

First Chipotle. Then, Sweetgreen. Now, Cava $CAVA ( ▼ 0.97% ). There is blood in the streets (of predominantly upper-middle-class neighborhoods within walking distance of Class A office buildings). Cava shares cratered like falafel under the weight of a block of feta after reporting a miss on the top line and slashing its guidance for the year.

+ Listen, I don’t care where you fall on the political spectrum (seriously, don’t @ me), but the sitting President telling the CEO of one of the most important banks (sup, DJ D-Sol) in the world to “just focus on being a DJ” is objectively funny…

+ Make debt your b*tch. There's a much easier way to pay down crippling debt faster, you guys. Spoiler: it's using a no-interest credit card. Some of the top credit card experts identified one of their favorites that puts interest on ice until nearly 2027 AND offers up to 5% cash back on qualifying purchases. Start paying down debt faster with this top pick. [FYI, this is a partner post]

+ Annnd it’s gone…

Circle $CRCL ( ▼ 2.57% ) erased its earlier gainz after announcing that it was about to sell 10M shares. You see, before the bell, the stablecoin issuer announced better-than-expected results during its first earnings report since going public. Shares rose, as you might expect.

Then, after the close, it said it plans to issue 10M new shares. The stonk tumbled more than 5% on the news. Of course, CRCL is playing with house money. Shares are up more than 400% since its IPO.

+ StubHub just went all “I am once again asking for your financial support.” After pumping the brakes on an IPO earlier this year, it appears that your second favorite Hub is going to take its talents to the public markets. It filed an updated S-1 that points towards a potential IPO as soon as this fall, which could value the ticket reseller at $1B.

+ Elon Musk and Sam Altman are fighting like exes who are about to have the most mind-blowing make-up s*x…

Elon and Sam got into it on Twitter after the Grok founder called out Apple for doing everything in its power to ensure the only AI platform that can reach #1 in the App Store is ChatGPT. Sam accused Elon of doing the same thing on X, and the dick-measuring contest escalated quickly from there.

+ US stocks “closed at fresh record highs on Tuesday after a tamer-than-expected inflation report raised the possibility that the Federal Reserve could cut interest rates next month.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “rose Tuesday in reaction to the latest inflation report for July, opposite to the reaction in the stock market, which took the latest data to mean the Federal Reserve has a clear runway to lower interest rates at its next policy meeting in September.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices dipped on Tuesday as traders awaited an inventory report from the U.S. Energy Information Administration and began looking toward declining demand at the end of the summer driving season in early September.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 43% chance Taylor Swift’s new album will be #1 for more than 10 weeks. (Kalshi)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ On, Circle, Sea, Pony AI, and Bitfarms dropped earnings before the bell

+ CoreWeave and Cava reported after the bell

+ July CPI dropped

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Global-E Online reports this AM

+ Cisco and Dlocal report after hours

Yesterday, I asked, “Is it 3Q, Q3, or Q3’25?”

77.3% of you said “Q3.“

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Wanted to ask this one yesterday when I talked about their streaming rights…

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.