In partnership with
Hey there weekday warriors,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Anthropic is gonna get the lawyers involved, OpenAI is out buying startups again, and Live Nation settled up on its DOJ bill.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 28 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Claude, lawyer up. Make no mistakes.
Anthropic: *actively tries to displace every lawyer from having a job*
Also Anthropic: “Call the lawyers.”
Daddy Dario is done playing nice with the White House. And the Pentagon. Which, imagine purposely going to war with the Pentagon…
Looks like Anthropic’s next move is calling shenanigans (read: filing a lawsuit) after being designated a supply chain risk by Pistol Pete Hegseth.
And you just know Pete is going to framemog the h*ll out of Dario in that courtroom.
Claude’s chief complaint? That it’s unconstitutional for the government to “punish” a private company for “protected speech.”
Per Claude (presumably, in legal mode), “Anthropic’s contracts with the federal government are already being canceled. Current and future contracts with private parties are also in doubt, jeopardizing hundreds of millions of dollars in the near-term.”
Friendly reminder that Dario had to apologize on Friday for a leaked 1,600-word memo bashing #47. To be fair, POTUS went on a tirade and blasted Anthropic staff for being “left-wing nut jobs” first.
So… they started it.
The Future of AI in Marketing. Your Shortcut to Smarter, Faster Marketing.
Unlock a focused set of AI strategies built to streamline your work and maximize impact. This guide delivers the practical tactics and tools marketers need to start seeing results right away:
7 high-impact AI strategies to accelerate your marketing performance
Practical use cases for content creation, lead gen, and personalization
Expert insights into how top marketers are using AI today
A framework to evaluate and implement AI tools efficiently
Stay ahead of the curve with these top strategies AI helped develop for marketers, built for real-world results.
+ Donny De-escalation just got his Dubya on…
Just when it looked like the markets had no chance of closing positive on the day, Donny Politics came off the top rope (around 3 PM EST), indicating that the war in Iran would end “very soon” (…but definitely not this week), and he expected oil prices to drop.
He pointed to the destruction of Iran’s leadership and pretty much its entire military: “They have no leadership. It’s all been blown up.”
Stonks mooned and oil prices plummeted (obviously). To be fair, oil had been coming down for most of the day after topping $100 per barrel.
Speaking of oil prices coming down…
G7 energy ministers are set to hold a virtual meeting today to discuss the release of oil reserves (think: save our a**es from the Iran war supply breakdown). The Magnificent 7 (not that one) met up yesterday but didn’t arrive at a decision.
The US appears to be pushing for the release of 300-400M barrels (or 25-30% of the reserve).
+ Putting that new Pentagon $$ to work…
Looks like Sammy GPT went out for a little retail therapy yesterday. OpenAI just purchased Promptfoo, a cybersecurity startup that builds AI safeguarding tools.
No details on the acquisition cost (yet), but to this point, Promptfoo had raised $22.6M at an $85.5M valuation. So… ashtray money for Scam Altman.
+ Live Nation $LYV ( ▼ 3.96% ) just settled with the DOJ RE: antitrust issues with the Ticketmaster platform. TM will need to remove some of its exclusivity agreements with artists. Oh, and pay up $280M in penalties. And the Justice Department has the chance to do the funniest thing by tacking on like $50M in convenience fees…
Live Nation will also need to unwind exclusive booking agreements with amphitheaters all over the US, because the DOJ thinks they should “see other people,” presumably. LYV shares jumped 6% on the day after shareholders went all “d*mn good deal.”
> FedEx Tops UPS in Market Value, Becomes Biggest US Parcel Firm (Bloomberg) // “You come at the king, you best not miss” - UPS, probably
> Microsoft adds higher-priced Office tier with Copilot as it tries to juice sales with AI (CNBC) // Cons: pay more for Copilot. Pros: …
> Everyone’s high school teacher: “Wikipedia isn’t an acceptable source.”
Every AI in 2026:
Yesterday I asked, “A (not so) hypothetical situation: AI replaces your job. You have to pivot to one of these "safe" industries. Where you going? (And what's the job?)”
22.3% of you said, “Construction.” Alexa, play Office Space.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Construction: “Just like in Office Space, I was never happier than with the little amount of responsibility required for construction. So, like a moron, I became a lawyer. Give me my jackhammer and bobcat back.” The things we do for a check, huh?
Transportation: “Air Traffic Controllers seem to be in demand.” Opportunity.
Grounds maintenance: “I will stay home and watch my grass grow.” Every man just wants to be the grass farmer of his own yard.
Installation & repair: “I’m sure all the sh*t we deal with as bankers would well prepare me to be a plumber. Bonus that I could do roll-ups within the space so not all that different than now.” Bankers and plumbers 🤝 dealing with sh*t
Agriculture: “At that point fuck it all to hell. I’m growing weed!” Hey, uh, FBI…
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Have you ever sued someone? Share your story... (consider this an NDA)
+ US stocks “careened through a manic Monday, going from a steep early loss to a solid gain as worries turned into hope that the war with Iran may not last that long. Oil prices whipped from nearly $120 per barrel, their highest since 2022, back below $90.” (Yahoo! Finance)
+ The 10-year yield “initially moved higher before pulling back on Monday as oil prices at first moved past $100 a barrel, then later declined after President Donald Trump told a CBS News reporter that the Iran war could soon be over.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices on Monday climbed to the highest level since 2022, but shares of major producers like Shell and Exxon Mobil have so far seen limited gains since the U.S.-Israeli war on Iran broke out late last month, suggesting that traders think the pain in the market may be short-term.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s a 37% chance that Finland wins Eurovision 2026… if you’re into that sorta thing. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ ZIM Integrated Shipping, Sharplink Gaming, Unusual Machines, and FuelCell Energy reported before the opening bell
+ Hewlett-Packard and Casey's reported after hours
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Nio, Uranium Energy, Kohl's, and BioNTech drop earnings before the bell
+ Oracle and AeroVironment report after hours
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of a guy with a Nano Banana account and a wild imagination. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.