TOGETHER WITH

The Tangle delivers a free, nonpartisan daily newsletter with calm, clear arguments from the left, right, and center—for those who believe thoughtful conversation matters.

Here’s what’s on the docket today… Chipotle gets rekt, Google is about to make it rain, and more meme stocks. But first...

In the July 24, 2019 edition of The Water Coolest, we covered Nike making a big splash by signing Zion Williamson.

You might remember this was a BFD because not only was Zion Williamson anointed “the chosen one,” but during a nationally televised Duke-UNC game in February 2019, Zion’s Nike sneaker literally exploded, sparking injury fears and concerns about Nike’s quality. Shares of Nike dropped the following day.

Nike recovered, but has dealt with plenty of its own issues on and off the court since 2019. And I probably don’t need to remind you just how bad of an investment Zion has been for the Swoosh…

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 21 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who consumes Chipotle at least 3x a week. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

PPS, did someone with great taste (who knows how much you love Chipotle) forward this to you? Subscribe here.

Exclusive footage of Chipotle investors giving the Mexican Grill “the look” after that earnings call…

It shouldn’t come as that big of a shock that Chipotle $CMG ( ▼ 0.6% ) has fallen on hard times, considering its core demographic is spending its allowance on Opendoor and Kohl’s stonk…

Yesterday, Chipotle shared that it met the Street’s expectations on the bottom line in Q2, but missed the consensus for revenue. And the only reason it wasn’t more of a sh*tshow was because net new stores put the team on their back…

Same-store sales actually shrank 4%. Brian Niccol would never…

And now Taco Bell’s older cousin is coming to terms with the fact that the rest of the year is going to be more brutal than the time it deployed norovirus at scale. The slop bowl adjacent brand slashed its full year sales guidance from slightly up to flat-ish. No word on the impact of tariffs for the Mexican Grill.

Ok, don’t freak out, but…

Chipotle sales falling is terrifying. You see, the chain has been pretty much immune to any sort of economic f*ckery. Americans would stop buying their kids’ medicine before they gave up their $19 burrito.

While other fast food joints and casual chains boarded the struggle bus on a one-way trip to Inflationville, Chipotle customers shrugged off the kinda price hikes that created demand for burrito financing options.

So, yeah, this slowdown is either a canary in the coal mine, and Jamie Dimon was right about the end being near after all… or everything will be just fine and the human race is finally waking up to the fact that Chipotle is low-grade dog food.

The Tangle delivers a daily political newsletter that lays out arguments from the left, right, and center, calmly and clearly. It’s nonpartisan, free to read, and rooted in respect for different views. For those who believe thoughtful conversation still matters, this is a rare and welcome voice.

+ Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket.

During its Q2 earnings call, Google $GOOG ( ▼ 0.54% ) said it plans to spend an additional $10B in 2025 (bringing its total capex to $85B), presumably to build even more AI features that no one uses.

Oh, and remember how all the masters of the world have been warning that it’s so over for Google? Welp, revenue grew by nearly 14%, and it beat easily on the top and bottom lines.

+ “What could possibly go wrong?” - Uber’s PR team apparently

Uber’s $UBER ( ▲ 1.61% ) taking a page out of Bumble’s playbook… and I haven’t worked out how yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to backfire spectacularly. In Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Detroit, the ride-hailing platform is piloting a feature that allows female riders to select only female drivers. Female drivers will have a similar option for their passengers.

The company is pitching the program as a safety feature, but it could also help recruit female drivers.

+ The good thing about disappointing delivery numbers is that expectations are incredibly low for earnings…

Tesla $TSLA ( ▲ 1.22% ) benefited from getting out in front of the bad quarter when it dropped its piss poor delivery data earlier this month. That’s not to say TSLA’s Q2 wasn’t brutal. After all, there’s a reason the world’s richest man is sleeping on the factory floor…

Automotive revenue fell 16% and Elon’s EV company missed (already low) top and bottom line expectations. And… shocker… it isn’t particularly easy for a carmaker to get its sh*t together. Elon said he expects a “few rough quarters. “

+ They can’t keep getting away with this…

Retail investors are like these hoes… they ain’t loyal. On Tuesday, Kohl’s $KSS ( ▼ 0.62% ) dethroned Opendoor $OPEN ( ▲ 9.78% ) as the meme stock du jour, following a 6-day run. And Kohl’s meme rally was even more short-lived. KSS lost nearly 16% yesterday.

That’s because it was GoPro $GPRO ( ▲ 2.59% ) and Krispy Kreme’s $DNUT ( ▲ 1.87% ) time to shine. The sh*tcos got their Make-A-Wish granted, mooning before settling for more modest gainz.

Both are heavily shorted penny stocks (read: the stuff meme stock wet dreams are made of), but it appears retail traders are their own worst enemy. The memelords’ (and ladies) ADHD is going to make a short squeeze damn near impossible…

You probably remember that during 2021, GameStop’s rally lasted weeks, not hours, which forced fat cats to cover their short positions, triggering the mother of all short squeezes.

Of course, things were different back in the year of our lord 2021. Stimmy checks gave the stay at homies more fun coupons to YOLO, and lockdowns meant fewer distractions that diverted cash away from the cause (like, say, WNBA parlays).

+ I would like to offer a sincere apology to Jeff Bezos for consistently reminding The Water Coolest readers about the Fire Phone, that Katy Perry “space” flight, Amazon employees being forced to piss in bottles, and sharing that one graph…

You see, it appears that Jeffrey Commerce is in the market for a financial news outlet. Rumor has it that he’s interested in buying CNBC after Comcast breaks NBCUniversal into two publicly traded companies. Spoiler: CNBC will be part of Versant, which is essentially the island of misfit TV channels.

Have your people call my people, Jeff.

+ US stocks “rose on Wednesday as the latest trade developments spurred optimism on Wall Street that the U.S. would reach more deals before its impending tariff deadline.” (CNBC)

+ The 10-year yield “moved slightly higher on Wednesday after U.S. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent eased market jitters over instability at the top of the Federal Reserve, turning attention back to the interest rate outlook.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “prices were little changed on Wednesday as investors assessed trade developments between the European Union and the U.S. after President Donald Trump reached a tariff deal with Japan.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money thinks there’s a 31% TikTok sells before the end of the year. (Polymarket)

⏪ Yesterday…

+ AT&T, GE Vernova, Nextera Energy, Moody's, Fiserv, Thermo Fisher, Boston Scientific, Hilton, CME, Amphenol, General Dynamics, and Freeport-McMoran Copper & Gold reported before the bell

+ Tesla, Google, ServiceNow, Chipotle, IBM, T-Mobile, Viking Therapeutics, O'Reilly Automotive, Crown Castle, and Quantumscape reported after the bell

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Blackstone, Honeywell, American Airlines, Nasdaq, Union Pacific, Mobileye, L3Harris, and TotalEnergies report this AM

+ Intel, Coca-Cola, Deckers, Digital Realty Trust, Kinsale Capital, and Newmont report after hours

+ The European Central Bank will drop its monetary policy statement

Yesterday, I asked, “It's a few weeks before 8th grade. Your mom lets you choose one brick and mortar to go back to school shopping. Where you going?”

24.1% of you said “Abercrombie.“

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.