Hey there weekday warrior,
The crypto haters be like “told ya so…”
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 51 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Byebit
Imagine the biggest crypto story of the weekend not being Dave Portnoy vs. Kanye West…
Somewhere in Pyongyang (which I hear is lovely this time of year), hackers just pulled off the biggest crypto heist of all time. Thanks for coming out, Razzklekhan.
On Friday, a bad actor siphoned off $1.5B from the Singapore crypto exchange Bybit. The hack breached Bybit’s cold wallets, transferring and immediately liquidating huge, girthy chunks of ether through multiple wallets and exchanges.
Ok, now that we’ve lost all the boomers who share Charlie Munger’s stance on crypto, let’s break it down…
The hack set a new record. This score made the 2021 Poly Network heist ($611M) and Binance’s 2022 breach ($570M) look like amateur hour at the hacker hostel.
So whodunnit?
Suspect #1 is North Korea’s government-backed Lazarus Group, the same scam bois who drained $200M of BTC from South Korean exchanges in 2017 and $308M from a Japanese exchange DMM in 2024.
Damage control time
Bybit CEO Ben Zhou posted that the exchange will remain solvent even if the loss isn’t recovered… which means it’s definitely time to start panicking…
Obviously, the exchange has seen a surge in withdrawal requests and has notified users that processing may be delayed.
For some reason (read: because he’s an eccentric crypto founder with limited social skills) Zhou also posted a screenshot of his Whoop strap stress levels from his all-nighter dealing with the hack. And apparently, he was chill guy the whole time…
(So we can all agree he was in on it, right?")
+ Rahul Ligma: *cracks knuckles, prepares to reprise his role as jilted ex-employee*
On Saturday, DOGE smashed send on a mass email to 2M federal workers asking what they got done over the last week. Employees must respond to the email by Monday night. And they better get their sh*t together because according to Elon, “failure to respond will be taken as a resignation.” And this is about to be the most overused prompt on ChatGPT: “Make up a list of things that make me seem essential.”
Everett Kelley, president of the American Federation of Government employees called the move “cruel and disrespectful” and said Elon has “never performed one single hour of honest public service in his life.” We get it, you couldn’t think of anything useful you did last week, Ev…
So far, about 75k federal employees have taken the DOGE buyout offer to resign this month. This should help pump those numbers up…
+ Sorry, poors, weight loss is for rich people again.
The FDA just announced the end of cheap, easy-mode diet szn. The shortage of Novo Nordisk’s (+5.1%) Wegovy and Ozempic has been declared “resolved” after more than 2 years. The move puts an end to the loophole that allowed compounding pharmacies to make knock-off semaglutide. Compounders will have the next 60-90 days to pivot while patients switch over to purchasing the FDA-approved drug from Novo or Eli Lilly (+0.06%).
Bad news for Hims & Hers Health (-25.7%) who have been slinging cheap compound semas during the shortage at much cheaper rates. Which means for all the diet injectors out there, Hims’s $200/mo price point is out, and Ozempic/Wegovy’s $1k/mo price point is in. Hims shareholders were understandably gutted by the news that will almost certainly cause Hims to lean out and trim some fat.
+ Maybe they really weren’t too big to fail…
Hooters is in danger of going t*ts up amid some double-D financial strain and lack of customer traffic. With 300 locations in the US, demand has fallen to untenable levels for the purveyor of beer and wings. Since Gen Z prefers their wings from DoorDash and their cleavage from TikTok, Hooters is scrambling to perk up its saggy finances. The OG Twin Peaks has been working with consultants and creditors to address its bulging debt burden.
In 2021, Hooters raised $300M through asset-backed bonds, a move that hasn’t turned out so hot for chains like TGIF and Red Lobster, both of whom filed for bankruptcy in 2024. It’s possible that the Hooters we all know and love could use Chapter 11 as a chance to refinance and navigate their way back to growth. But, most likely, it will go the way of the hopes and dreams of most of its wait staff…
+ Apple (-0.1%) is removing end-to-end encryption for cloud data in the UK due to government pressure, enabling a wide open government backdoor… *King Charles furiously deletes his “screenshots” iCloud folder*
+ The Oracle of Omaha’s Berkshire Hathaway (-0.6%) is sitting on a fatter stack of cash than Walter White ($334B), and his annual investor letter is a little defensive about it. The man who bought a sh*t ton of the least compelling company ever (SiriusXM) said: “Often, nothing looks compelling; very infrequently we find ourselves knee-deep in opportunities.” Coward.
+ 23andMe (-11.6%) may have the offer to go private that it’s been waiting for. New Mountain Capital has submitted a proposal to acquire all outstanding shares. And what could possibly go wrong with a PE shop getting its hands on the genetic data of millions of humans?
+ Substack wants to be the next TikTok by monetizing creator videos. So… cringe warning, Substack users.
+ Silicon Valley’s Reading List Reveals Its Political Ambitions. Tell me you listen to the All In pod without telling me…
+ Parents with these 2 toxic habits raise kids who are bad with money, says investment firm CEO. #1: Enrolling in Hustler’s University
🔥 CEOs want workers back in offices—this company is giving workers a $10,000 raise to do it. Jamie Dimon just burst into flames…
FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.
+ US stocks “sold off on Friday as new U.S. data sparked concern among investors over a slowing economy and sticky inflation, leading them in search of safer assets.” (CNBC)
+ The 10-year yield was “sharply lower on Friday as investors ran for cover in the middle of a stock market sell-off, while concern over the health of the economy grew.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “prices settled down more than $2 a barrel on Friday, posting a weekly decline as investors grappled with a fading Middle East risk premium alongside uncertainty about a potential peace deal in Ukraine.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin “slid to near $97,000 after hovering near $100,000 earlier during the day, while ether slipped nearly 4%, dipping below $2,700.” (CoinDesk)
+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Visa -0.5% 2) Nvidia -4.0% 3) Hims & Hers Health -25.7%
⏪ On Friday…
+ SanDisk began trading
+ Existing Home Sales report dropped
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Domino's reports before the bell
+ Hims & Hers Health, Realty Income, Zoom, Tempus AI, Riot Platforms, Navitas Semiconductor, Diamondback Energy, Trex, and Public Storage report after the close
Friday, I asked, “Who was the best Bond?”
Sean Connery won with 50.5% of the votes.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Sean Connery: “Subsequent to Connery's debut in the role, Fleming wrote a Scottish backstory for Bond in the novel You Only Live Twice, establishing him as the son of a Scottish father and Swiss mother - his Scottish accent alone wins him best Bond.”
Daniel Craig: “I liked Sean Connery, but Daniel Craig is a "little bad a**"”
Pierce Brosnan: “The one you grew up with is usually your fave. ”
Roger Moore: “Everything was better when I was a kid. Now get off my lawn”
Timothy Dalton: “Bond in the wrong decade.”
The field: “The Field is the only correct choice. Recency bias aside, Craig was great, but he also benefitted from today's "mooovvvviiieee maaggiiiccc". Moore and Connery were totally f'd with the 60's/70's movie industry's lack of technology. ”
And here’s today’s question…
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.