TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Bill Ackman wants to release a solo album if he can lock down this UMG acquisition (it couldn’t be worse than his tennis career), Donny Politics is still doing stuff to Iran, and UnitedHealth got a pay raise from Uncle Sam.
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 40 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Bill Aux-man
Bill Ackman 🤝 Kanye West
taking control of T. Swift’s mic
DJ Bill Ackman just placed a serious bid to acquire Drake Universal Music Group $UMGNF ( ▲ 13.73% ).
Shares of the Swifties’ favorite label jumped yesterday after Pershing Square made a cash and stock deal worth $64.4B.
But the nonbelievers were out in full force…
UMG’s stonk price stayed well below Billy’s proposed buyout price (think: $35/share).
Plus, Chipotle Bill would have to win over Vincent Bolloré, the French billionaire who controls over 18% of Universal, despite Bill Ack-tivist-man’s claims that he has Frenchie’s interest in the deal.
Friendly reminder that Universal shares are down 13% in 2026 alone, despite its deep bench of artists…
Think: T. Swift, Lady Gaga, Drake, The Weeknd, Billie Eilish, Ariana Grande, Post Malone, and Kendrick Lamar. Which, holy sh*t, how is this not a monopoly?
The deal is subject to a board re-shuffling and a new comp package for CEO Lucian Grainge. It’s always the CEO who suffers the most…
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+ “Told ya so.” - the TACO crowd
You might recall that last night at 8 PM was the deadline for Iran to open up the Strait of Hormuz… or else.
And yesterday morning, Donny Politics escalated the situation by dropping these bars: “A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will.”
Despite early losses and the looming 8 PM EST deadline, the S&P 500 eked out a gain on the day.
So did all hell break loose at 8 PM sharp?
Nope. A few hours before, the two sides agreed to a 2-week ceasefire brokered by Pakistan. As part of the deal, the Strait of Hormuz will open immediately.
As you might have guessed, futures ripped, and oil plummeted. Well, actually, that’s an understatement. Crude fell more than 15% to well below $100 per barrel.
Next up? “Good faith” negotiations between the two nations.
UnitedHealth $UNH ( ▲ 9.37% ) shares mooned yesterday after Uncle Sam approved an unexpectedly solid Medicare Advantage payment increase. Average free lunch Medicare payments will increase by 2.48% (spoiler: $13B) in 2027.
In case you forgot, that’s wayy higher than the 0.09% increase proposed in January (because, math). Healthcare stonks (sup, Humana $HUM ( ▲ 7.94% ) and CVS $CVS ( ▲ 6.74% )) have been pumping across the board ever since the rate increase was announced late Monday.
Tim Cook & Co. got ripped to shreds worse than that time they put that U2 album on our phones. Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 2.07% ) shares tumbled after a report from Nikkei Asia claimed that the promised foldable iPhone was facing engineering issues and may be delayed from hitting its September launch. You set a dangerous precedent, Rockstar Games… shame on you.
But you know what they say. It ain’t over till your mom sings…
A few Apple snitches anonymous sources told Bloomberg that the iFold is still on track for a September launch. For over $2k. Nice.
> How Burger King is beating McDonald’s with revamped Whopper after CEO’s bite blunder (NY Post) // You know what they say about guys with big bites…
> Anthropic limits Mythos AI rollout over fears hackers could use model for cyberattacks (CNBC) // This is how it starts, isn’t it?
> Intel signs on to Elon Musk’s Terafab chips project (TechCrunch) // Backup-Avengers… assemble!
> With all this going on, it’s a wonder liquor companies are down so bad…
Yesterday, I asked, “Now that the NCAA Tournament is wrapped up, what is the next great sporting event?”
73.2% of you said, “The Masters.” Which, obviously, is the correct answer.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
The Masters: “The azaleas. The dogwoods. The individual joy and anguish.” Nothing like it.
NBA Playoffs: “The amount of time that you spend on a golf course directly correlates to the amount of bouyent Soul you got. Be Gone, Demon Farts! And take your visors & mini pencils with you, straight to Hell's waiting room.”
Other (write-in): “The NFL Draft: Football Never Sleeps.”
Stanley Cup Playoffs: “Drop the gloves and spit chiclets, the real season starts.” That you, Biz?
FIFA World Cup: “I know everyone is going to say The Masters, but sheesh that is a snorefest. Plus you can't even watch the whole tournament. World cup last several weeks. More bang for your buck.” The economics argument, I see.
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Asking for a friend... is it ever acceptable for a grown man to dress in a costume? (think: Halloween, renaissance fair, role-playing, etc.)
+ US stocks “ended mixed on Tuesday amid signs of progress in negotiations as the minutes ticked down to President Donald Trump's deadline for Iran to open the Strait of Hormuz.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield “declined on Tuesday as the rally in oil prices lost momentum when Pakistani Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif requested that President Donald Trump delay his deadline for Tehran to reopen the Strait of Hormuz.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “moved lower on Tuesday, after Pakistan requested President Donald Trump to extend a key deadline to reopen the critical Strait of Hormuz by two weeks and asked all warring parties to observe a ceasefire in that period.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s an 8% chance Tucker Carlson gets arrested by the end of May. (Polymarket)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ Aehr and Levi’s reported after the close
+ The New York Federal Reserve released its 1-Year Inflation Expectations data
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ Delta Air Lines reports before the bell
+ Applied Digital and Constellation Brands drop earnings after hours
+ The Federal Reserve will release the minutes from its last meeting
Oh, and one more thing…
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Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
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