Hey there weekday warrior,
It’s a bad day to be a middle manager with average performance reviews at Walgreens.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 23 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
BaRxbarians at the Gate
KKR walked so Sycamore could run…
The last time things were this bleak for Walgreens, it was realizing that perhaps Elizabeth Holmes wasn’t just kinda full of sh*t (… she was entirely full of sh*t) and those Theranos blood tests they’d been slinging were going to result in a yuge lawsuit (spoiler: they were right).
But the $44M settlement with Theranos’ patients was the least of WBA’s worries over the past few years. CVS’ little brother has been getting Eiffel Towered by the competition. Amazon and other retailers ate Walgreens’ lunch in the front of the store, where it failed to keep up with the discounters selling deodorant, detergent, and Plan B.
Meanwhile, around back, pharmacy benefit managers were having their way with Walgreens. PBMs have been squeezing margins like [spoiler alert] Lenny when he gets a hold of Curly’s wife. It probably didn’t help that its biggest competitor (CVS) bolted on a PBM, while Walgreens passed on a similar opportunity.
Did I mention the years of mismanagement and a pretty sh*tty merger with Boots Alliance?
Which leads us to today…
Sycamore Partners agreed to scoop up what’s left of Walgreens (so, mostly debt), for a cool $10B in what is one of the largest leveraged buyouts of all time. To put things in perspective, the company had a market cap of nearly $100B as recently as 2015. Oof.
The PE shop taking the drug dealer private will mark an end to a nearly 100-year run as a publicly traded company. Walgreens’ obituary will also indicate it recently ended its run as a Dividend Aristocrat and lost its spot in the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
+ Have they considered bringing back the $1 Long Island iced teas? Asking for a friend…
Applebee’s and IHOP’s parent company Dine Brands $DIN ( ▲ 1.03% ) just posted its fourth consecutive quarter of falling sales. Wait, even with Dan Campbell waiting tables?
Dine dropped an earnings miss and slight revenue beat, but more importantly, revealed that US same-store sales dropped 4.7% and 2.8% at Applebee’s and IHOP, respectively in Q4. Narrator: “Shareholders were, in fact, not eatin’ good in the neighborhood…”
CEO John Peyton is focused on pushing value meals like the 2 for $25 deal… because who wants to go to Applebee’s by themselves? And in a move that just screams “boomer,” Peyton is also looking for a social media presence that’s “part of the conversation and the culture” (read: some poor intern just got told to “make us more like Duolingo”).
+ It’s official. With the stroke of the pen, Donny Politics launched the US Strategic Bitcoin Reserve via executive order. Have no fear, that guy from the All In podcast (crypto czar, David Sacks) says it will cost taxpayers nothing… it will be funded with seized sh*tcoins.
+ Everyone: “Fourthmeal is the pinnacle of innovation.”
Taco Bell: “Hold my Baja Blast.”
The Mexican chain’s parent company Yum Brands $YUM ( ▲ 1.69% ) flexed its $1B AI investment by showing Wall Street analysts a video skit (sorry, no leaked link… yet) of its AI assistant "Byte" acting like a real company man. Think: snitching on employees who don’t clock in and suggesting managers keep workers around longer to cut wait times. Byte even volunteered to cover “Brad’s” shift. Brad is presumably out in the world just living mas.
But Taco Bell promises it doesn’t plan to replace humans with AI. Yum simply wants to use Byte to free workers up for more important tasks… like skimping on the sauce packets. 500 Taco Bell locations already rely on AI bots for taking drive-thru orders, up from just 100 last year.
+ What gives people feelings of power? 1) Money 2) Status 3) Telling people that they’re in violation of a Subreddit’s community rules.
In hopes of making Reddit $RDDT ( ▼ 2.94% ) more welcoming for non-powers users (read: people who have lost their virginity), and pumping up those monthly active user numbers, the platform is making it easier to follow specific Subreddit rules via “rule check” integration (think: “Hey, did you mean to use that slur in r/politics?”)
+ Yesterday, Intuitive’s $LUNR ( ▲ 1.21% ) lunar lander fell over after touching down on the moon (for the second time). Then, later in the day, SpaceX “lost control” of its Starship (it blew up, you guys). And those astronauts stuck in the International Space Station be like “FML.”
+ Anxious about the state of... everything? Here's how to manage your money through the chaos. #1: Drugs #2: Alcohol
🔥The No. 1 communication mistake people make at work, from a Wharton psychologist—it can damage your reputation. Going into the office…
FYI, TWC might be compensated if you click on the links above. So, what are you waiting for? Start clicking.
+ US stocks “resumed their steep pullback on Thursday as the latest concessions from the White House on President Donald Trump’s controversial tariff policies failed to calm rattled investors.” (CNBC)
+ The 10-year yield “moved higher on Thursday as investors weighed the economic effect of tariff negotiations between the U.S., Canada and Mexico and awaited key jobs data due Friday.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “settled largely unchanged in choppy trade on Thursday, with global benchmark Brent closing below $70 a barrel under pressure from tariffs between the U.S., Canada, and China, and plans by OPEC+ to raise output.” (Reuters)
+ Bitcoin “climbed on Thursday, extending a rebound from recent losses amid heightened speculation over U.S. President Donald Trump’s plans for a crypto reserve before a White House summit this week.“ (Investing.com)
+ The three most talked about stocks on WallStreetBets in the past 24 hours were: 1) Visa -2.4% 2) Nvidia -5.7% 3) Hims & Hers Health -15.9%
⏪ Yesterday…
+ JD.com, Kroger, Macy’s, and Burlington Stores reported before the bell
+ Broadcom, Costco, BigBear.ai, Samsara, Hewlett Packard, and Serve Robotics reported after the bell
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ The February US jobs report drops
Yesterday, I asked, “What is your go-to medium for consuming news?”
Twitter won with 27.8% of the vote.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Twitter: “Twitter and blogs but everything is biased even the stuff you agree with.”
TV: “I am old.”
Facebook: “How else is my uncle going to remind me to post ‘I don't give Facebook the right to my content. Share to three friends.’”
News Sites: “Newsletters are a close second.”
Newsletters: “I subscribe to a few and am open to new newsletters based on accurate information. Accuracy. That's the hard part. And here I am on the Water Coolest!!”
And here’s today’s question…
Ok, so hear me out. Intuitive has been pretty bad at simply landing an unmanned craft on the moon and getting pictures back down to Earth in the years of our lord 2024 & 2025. *puts on tinfoil hat* And we’re supposed to believe we put humans on the moon in the ‘60s…
This is a real thing that happened yesterday…
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.