TOGETHER WITH
Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on the agenda today…
Banks are firing on all cylinders right now, J-Poww hints at cuts, and Spotify is coming to Netflix.
Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 31 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Banks roll
The Fed isn’t the only bank with a money printer that goes brrr…
Earnings season kicked off yesterday with three financial institutions that put the ‘big’ in ‘big bank.’
JPMorgan $JPM ( ▼ 2.34% ), Goldman $GS ( ▼ 1.28% ), and Wells Fargo $WFC ( ▼ 2.85% ) all put on a masterclass in Q3. Each of the big banks delivered huge beats thanks to trading and dealmaking. Occupy Wall Street just died a little bit inside.
The banks went belt to a** on analysts’ predictions. JPMorgan posted a new trading revenue record, and Goldman grew investment banking fees by more than 40%. For f*ck’s sake, even WF had a massive quarter. It appears to be taking advantage of its recently lifted asset cap…
Thank you for your service…
But it ain’t all dinners at Dorsia and fat bonus checks for everyone at Goldman. In GS’s earnings report, DJ D-Sol said: “Even when the business is performing well, we have an obligation to review our operations carefully and position the firm for the future.”
He was a bit more blunt in an internal memo warning employees to expect “limited reduction in roles across the firm.” Snitches familiar with the situation say “limited” = ~1k Goldmanites.
Why the layoffs now? It’s all part of the ongoing OneGS 3.0 plan. And it turns out, “accelerating advancements in AI can unlock significant productivity gains for us.”
“Sorry, we can’t pay your tuition at Deerfield this semester, Aspenleigh… daddy lost his job at Goldman to an AI chatbot named AC93929S-251.”
WTF could it mean for us?
Every lame stream newsletter tells you “wHaT iT MeAnS.” At The Water Coolest, we’re not afraid to predict tomorrow’s headlines today (“fin fiction”). Welcome to a section my attorney has asked me to call, Definitely Not Financial Advice…
Bank of America and Morgan Stanley report today…
🔮 The Water Coolest on (tomorrow) November 16, 2025: I’ll have what he’s having. Bank of America and Morgan Stanley just made Wall Street analysts their b*tch. Morgan Stanley and Bank of America both saw investment banking fees surge by more than 25%. Go off, kings.
Have a completely made up headline an informed prediction you want to share? Reply directly to this email. I might share it tomorrow.
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+ Everything makes me think of him…*
Rayonier $RYN ( ▲ 2.52% ) is buying PotlatchDeltic $PCH ( ▲ 2.28% ) for $3.4B. ICYMI, Rayonier and PotlachDeltic are lumber royalty. Big timber, if you will. Together, the companies will create the largest publicly traded wood product company in North America.
*Barry Wood
+ The European mind cannot comprehend this…
Name something more American than Pop-Tarts made specifically for GLP-1 patients…
Kellanova $K ( ▲ 0.16% ) is releasing Protein Pop-Tarts (think: standard Pop-Tarts with some extra whey protein) just in time to destroy your New Year’s resolution. The move could have (read: definitely has) something to do with one of the side effects of GLP-1 use being loss of muscle mass. The easiest fix? Increasing protein intake…
+ *extreme DJ Khaled voice* “ANOTHER ONE…”
SALESFORCE $CRM AND OPENAI JUST ANNOUNCED A PARTNERSHIP
"This first of its kind partnership will let companies access Salesforce's Agentforce 360 platform in ChatGPT — querying sales records, reviewing customer conversations, or building Tableau visualizations, simply by typing
— #Evan (#@StockMKTNewz)
12:01 PM • Oct 14, 2025
+ “u up? come over and watch Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal debate Drake Maye’s MVP chances on Netflix.”
Spotify $SPOT ( ▼ 1.02% ) is bringing some of its exclusive video podcasts to Netflix. And by “some” I mean podcasts on Bill Simmons’ The Ringer network. In case you were wondering why The Ringer pods got the nod, it might have something to do with Simmons’ role as “Head of Talk Strategy” at Spotify.
+ Your move, Amazon…
Walmart popped nearly 5% on news that it was partnering with OpenAI to allow purchases directly via ChatGPT. You might recall that OpenAI rolled out Instant Checkout in September with Etsy as its first partner.
Ok, now make your online shopping experience feel less like 1997, Walmart…
+ Tell me there’s going to be lots of virgins in the room and lots of 4-syllable words being thrown around without telling me…
J-Poww got his dissertation on at the National Association for Business Economics conference in Philly. I’ll spare you the ChatGPT translation…
During his speech, Jerry Interest Rates hinted at another rate cut (which pretty much everyone expects this month). He cited the outlook for employment remaining unchanged since September (read: he's got no choice but to cut again).
Jay also suggested at his TED Talk that the Fed could stop reducing the size of its balance sheet (read: tightening monetary policy) “soon-ish.”
Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, he did say “Pardon”…
Jerome Powell coughs → instant $500 profit
— #PredictionMarketTrader (#@PredMTrader)
4:39 PM • Oct 14, 2025
+ US stocks “closed lower on Tuesday, in a session that offered a taste of the volatility that dip-buyers will likely face if trade tensions between the US and China keep rising.” (Bloomberg)
+ The 10-year yield “fell on Tuesday, sending a key rate below 4% as investors looked for safety from simmering U.S.-China trade tensions.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “fell on Tuesday, settling 1.5% lower as the International Energy Agency warned of a huge supply glut in 2026, and as trade tensions persisted between the U.S. and China, the world’s two biggest economies.” (Reuters)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks there’s a 52% chance a South Park character says “Tylenol” during tonight’s episode. (Kalshi)
⏪ Yesterday…
+ JPMorgan, Johnson & Johnson, Goldman Sachs, BlackRock, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, and Domino's reported before the bell
+ J-Poww delivered a speech in Philadelphia at the National Association for Business Economics Annual Meeting
+ The three-day Salesforce Dreamforce 2025 event began in SF
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ ASML, Bank of America, Morgan Stanley, Abbott Labs, Progressive, and Prologis report before the bell
+ United Airlines reports after the bell
+ Salesforce will hold an Investor Day as part of its Dreamforce conference
+ The Federal Reserve will release its Beige Book Report… if you’re into that kinda thing
Yesterday, I asked, “Are you taking the deal?”
52.2% of you said, “Hell no, not worth the $.”
Here’s what some of you guys had to say…
Sign me up, and give me a spoon: “Can I still use a knife to put peanut butter on Jewish Rye? Or am I spending my golden days digging my fingers into the peanut butter jar? That’s pretty perverted. Think I’ll try it today.”
Sign me up, and give me a spoon: “babe, do you mind cutting my steak for me?"
Hell no, not worth the $: “I could maybe learn to live without a knife, but I can no longer eat pasta if I only have a spoon.”
Hell no, not worth the $: “Steak with a spoon? The humiliation...”
Sign me up, and give me a spoon: “I never realized how much I really do love soup until this question.”
Here’s today’s question…
Is Halloween officially the beginning of "the holiday season?"
AI was supposed to make our society better and more efficient.
Instead this guy pivoted to going after brainrot video slop and the gooner TAM. 😒
— #Wasteland Capital (#@ecommerceshares)
6:33 PM • Oct 14, 2025
Oh, and one more thing…
What did you think about today's newsletter?
Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.
Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?
No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...
This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.