Hey there weekday warrior,
Here’s what’s on tap today… Tim Cook is out (for real), Jersey Mike’s picked a good day for some free press, Donny Tariff’s refunds are gonna help everyone (but us), and Alex Karp is a bit of a warmonger, isn’t he?
Enjoy the next 3 minutes and 32 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.
Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,
Apple turnover
Gif by digitalspy on Giphy
Timmy Appleseed just went all Mark Cuban on Shark Tank (translation: “I’m out”).
That’s right, Temu Steve Jobs is leaving Apple $AAPL ( ▼ 1.36% ) on September 1, which, isn’t that right before the next foldable iPhone model is scheduled to flop?
Respect to the homie Tim for 24X’ing Apple’s market cap in his 15-year run.
Of course, his legacy isn’t without its blemishes: failing to give us an Apple Car, totally botching Apple Intelligence, and that U2 album come to mind…
Who’s the new guy?
Apple will continue the time-honored tradition of hiring a middle-aged white dude to run the company.
Next on the hot seat: SVP of hardware engineering John Ternus. Johnny Sins is an Apple lifer and was instrumental in engineering pretty much every hit product… and also the Vision Pro.
John takes the reins at the end of summer while Tim transitions to the role of executive chairman.
Tough act to follow, Johnny boy…
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+ Elon: “I’m gonna have the most exciting IPO of 2026.”
Mike (from Jersey): “Hold my sandwich.”
Jersey Mike’s confidentially filed for an IPO on 4/20, which, smart.
Friendly reminder that the inventors of the Sub Above™ sold a majority stake to Blackstone $BX ( ▲ 3.23% ) about a year ago in a deal that valued the chain at $8B.
Around the same time, Mike (not a real person) figuratively stepped aside for former Wingstop $WING ( ▼ 0.75% ) CEO Charlie Morrison to take the company to the moon.
These days, Mike and the gang have over 3k locations in the US, second only to Jared Subway. And Danny DeVito’s sub shop has been putting up numbers. Think: $309.8M revenue (up 10.6% from 2024) and $183.6M net income last year.
+ Refunds for thee but not for me…
Yesterday, Donny Tariffs Refunds launched a new online portal for US businesses to file for tariff refunds due to SCOTUS’s Uno Reverse card on #47’s trade war. Customs and Border Protection released its new “Consolidated Administration and Processing of Entries” (CAPE) system… and creative name, guys.
More than 56k importers will be able to claim refunds for tariffs to the tune of $166B, of which, *checks notes* probably zero will be going back to the people who paid for them (spoiler: you and me).
+ Alex Karp's new nickname just dropped: “AK-47”
The final Palantir $PLTR ( ▲ 1.97% ) boss is back on his BS. AK dropped a manifesto on the AI-weapon era, pushing for the return of the draft and the end of “regressive” culture over the weekend. But investors went all “that don’t impress me much.” Shares dropped slightly yesterday.
Per Alex, “Our adversaries will not pause to indulge in theatrical debates about the merits of developing technologies with critical military and national security applications. They will proceed.” Fair. Also, a real buzz kill.
America’s Novo copycat Eli Lilly $LLY ( ▼ 2.83% ) is making a move to make more money fight cancer. Lilly just locked in a deal to acquire Kelonia Therapeutics for $7B ($3.25B upfront).
In case you hadn’t heard, Kelonia is a biotech co. working on new tech to fight cancer. Specifically, reprogramming T-cells to fight cancer cells. For context, Johnson & Johnson’s $JNJ ( ▼ 1.8% ) similar treatment raked in $1.89B last year… and may I just add: f*ck cancer.
+ DraftKings punching drywall rn…
Polymarket is back on the funding hunt, seeking another $400M at a $15B valuation. Friendly reminder: that brings P. Market’s value up significantly from last year’s $9B (because, math).
And with all the money I’ve lost on my terrible bets predictions on that platform, may I just say…
> Strategy Buys $2.54 Billion of Bitcoin, Most Since Late 2024 (Bloomberg) // He can’t keep getting away with this…
> Trump threatens Iran again as ceasefire deadline looms, U.S. gears up for peace talks (CNBC) // Same, same, but same.
> NASA’s New Space Suits May Not Be Ready by 2028 Moon Landing (Bloomberg) // Moon landing deniers be like, “How come they can’t just re-use the ones from last time👀?” And… good point, actually.
> Nike humiliated for ‘walkers tolerated’ ad accused of ‘pace shaming’ ahead of Boston Marathon (NY Post) // This ad really bombed… poor choice of words.
> JetBlue CEO Says Airline Is Ruling Out ‘26 Bankruptcy Filing (Bloomberg) // Find someone who believes in you as much as JetBlue believes in JetBlue.
> Well, that was fast…
Yesterday, I asked, “Anyone out there willing to admit to celebrating 4/20 today?”
72.7% of you said, “Nope, I don't care at all about 4/20 or the devil's lettuce.” Don’t worry, I’ve already contacted the authorities about the other 27.3%.
Here’s what some of you guys had to say (and my response in italics)…
Hell yeah, I’m already blazed reading this: “Why are alcohol sales down? Genx found gummies……….and GLP-1’s to offset the munchies.” Have a nice day.
Nope, I don't care at all about 4/20 or the devil's lettuce: “Relieved to see that I’m in the majority. That sh*t will ruin your life.” Narc.
Sure, I could schmo-kah-bowl today if it’s convenient: “I still like getting high, but weed stopped being cool when I found out my 80 year old mother takes edibles every night.” Moms ruin everything.
Hell yeah, I’m already blazed reading this: “It is the weed store's version of black Friday. Half price everything!” Stock up, bud.
Nope, I don't care at all about 4/20 or the devil's lettuce: “Had enough of that brain scramble back in my college days. Recovered some of my brain cells, but now I can't remember where I put them.” Dude, where’s my brain cells?
Here’s today’s question(s)…
Let's settle this once and for all. What's the best chain sandwich? And why? (Friendly reminder: I can't drop unlimited options. That's what the "other" option is for...)
+ US stocks “pulled back from record highs on Monday and oil prices spiked as increasing tensions over the crucial Strait of Hormuz raised concerns that the fragile U.S.-Iran ceasefire might not hold.” (Reuters)
+ The 10-year yield was “relatively unchanged on Monday after a weekend that saw the Strait of Hormuz reopened and subsequently closed by Iran, with the two-week ceasefire set to expire on Tuesday.” (CNBC)
+ Oil “jumped around 6% in Monday trading on uncertainty over peace talks between the U.S. and Iran after violence flared around the Strait of Hormuz.” (Investing.com)
+ The “smart” money (prediction markets) thinks that there’s now a 23% chance that the US confirms aliens exist this year. (Polymarket)
⏪ On Friday…
+ Nano-X and Cleveland-Cliffs reported before the bell
+ AGNC Investment reported after hours
+ The three-day Adobe Summit began. Let me guess… AI-enabled PDFs?
⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…
+ UnitedHealth, GE Aerospace, Raytheon Technologies, 3M, MSCI, DR Horton, Northrop Grumman, Danaher, Halliburton, Equifax, Tractor Supply, and Synchrony Financial drop earnings before the bell
+ Intuitive Surgical, Interactive Brokers, United Airlines, Capital One Financial, Chubb, EQT, and Agree Realty report after the bell
+ The Senate Banking Committee will hold a confirmation hearing for Kevin Warsh and his appointment to be the Federal Reserve chairman
+ The March Retail Sales report will drop
Oh, and one more thing…
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