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Here’s what’s on the agenda today…

Nestle’s CEO loses his job, there was a murder at Burning Man over the weekend, and Celsius and Pepsi are getting hot and heavy.

Enjoy the next 4 minutes and 22 seconds of blue-chip news and commentary.

Keep on snapping necks and cashing checks,

– tyler

PS, loving The Water Coolest? Forward it to someone who has been to Burning Man and won’t shut up about it. If you CC me ([email protected]), I’ll send you both something.

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“I’m just thinkin with my d*ck.” - Kevin Gates (rapper) Nestle CEO Laurent Freixe

Instead of focusing on getting KitKats into the mouths of pre-diabetic consumers, Nestle’s CEO was allegedly focused on getting his member in the mouth of one of his underlings.

The biggest food company in the world fired its CEO, Laurent Freixe, on Monday after he failed to disclose a relationship with a subordinate.

Laurent lasted just 1 year as CEO. No word on how he lasted with one of his favorite employees. The head of Nespresso will step up to become the next Chief Executive Officer/EVP, overseeing future Sexual Harassment Opportunities.

The timing of cheek clapping couldn’t have come at a worse time. The Swiss food maker is getting its cheeks clapped from all angles. Not only is it navigating a global tariff war, but it’s also dealing with a drop in consumer spending.

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+ There was a murder at Burning Man over the weekend, and if you listen closely, you can hear all the middle-aged women rushing to start true crime podcasts about it.

We don’t have a ton of details, but a “white male” (let me guess… he worked in tech and an autopsy will show he had consumed ayahuasca?) was found dead (allegedly) in a pool of blood around 9:15 PM Saturday.

And this investigation is about to be a nightmare, given that the festival, which ends today, has a “Leave No Trace” policy (think: clean everything up… and wipe all fingerprints).

+ Alibaba is putting on a clinic in copy-pasting Amazon’s business model…

Shares of Amazon-but-make-it-communist jumped nearly 20% on Monday in Hong Kong. Friendly reminder: Alibaba $BABA ( ▲ 3.56% ) ADRs mooned 13% on Friday in the US after it reported earnings and doubled down on diversifying its lines of business.

Its cloud computing unit continues to print money (think: AWS), but it also shared details about its much-anticipated AI chips (which means now you can buy green d*ldos to throw on the court at WNBA games and Nvidia Blackwell competitors from the same company) and it’s move into “instant commerce” (think: instant delivery).

+ The good news? The Personal Consumption Expenditure Index came in at 2.9%, which was in line with the consensus. The bad news? PCE came in at 2.9%, which is higher than last month… and still far above the Fed’s inflation mandate (2%).

So wtf does it mean? Mostly that the Fed's decision to cut rates will come down to one thing: employment. A weakening job market could force the Fed’s hand (to cut).

+ Instead of getting a ruling on whether POTUS could actually fire Fed Governor Lisa Cook, we got a big fat nothingburger on Friday. The judge asked both sides to supplement their arguments in writing. Those briefs are due today. The next hearing is TBD. And the countdown to the next Fed meeting is currently at 14 days. This is shaping up to be more electric than the Papal Conclave.

+ Allow me to put the new Celsius-Pepsi deal in terms you can understand using HBO classic ‘The Wire’…

Under a new agreement, Celsius $CELH ( ▼ 3.93% ) is Avon Barksdale and PepsiCo $PEP ( ▲ 0.63% ) is Poot. The deal further establishes Celsius as the brains of the energy drink operation, while Pepsi heads up street distribution.

Pepsi will take an additional 5% stake in Celsius, bringing its total ownership to nearly 11%. The agreement also puts Celsius in charge of Rockstar Energy (friendly reminder: owned by Pepsi) while Pepsi will help the energy drink maker get shelf space.

+ US stocks “retreated from record highs on Friday as Wall Street digested an update on consumer inflation that showed prices firming higher above the Fed's target in July.” (Reuters)

+ The 10-year yield was “slightly higher on Friday after the Federal Reserve’s preferred inflation gauge came in as expected, while traders monitored President Trump’s attempts to fire Fed Governor Lisa Cook.” (CNBC)

+ Oil “settled 1% higher on Monday, as concerns mounted that intensifying airstrikes in Russia and Ukraine could lead to supply disruptions, and as a weaker dollar lent additional support.” (Reuters)

+ The “smart” money thinks there’s a 51% chance the economy added more than 75k jobs in August. (Kalshi)

⏪ On Friday…

+ Alibaba reported earnings

+ We got core PCE inflation data

⏩ Today we’re keeping an eye on…

+ Nio reports before the open

+ Zscaler reports after hours

Friday, I asked, “You can only keep one at its current price. The other increases to market price. Are you keeping the Costco hot dog combo at $1.50 or AriZona Iced Tea at 99 cents?”

67.8% of you prefer that “Costco hot dog combo stays at $1.50.”

Here’s what some of you guys had to say…

Here’s today’s question…

Americans are expected to gamble $30B on the NFL this season… and you gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket.

Oh, and one more thing…

Sent from my Amazon Fire Phone. Please excuse any mistakes and typos.

Does this look like the face of a guy you should take financial advice from?

No, it’s the face of an individual who is financially irresponsible/dumb enough to be talked into spending money on a family photo shoot that he could have just done with his iPhone. So, act accordingly...

This is not financial advice. Nothing in this newsletter is an investment recommendation. All content is created for entertainment, educational, or informational purposes only. Do your own research, or do yourself a favor and hire a professional.