Sam Bankman-Fresh

Turns out Bernie Madoff and Sam Bankman Fried have a lot more in common than being two of the biggest sh*theads to ever do it.

Perhaps you recall that before his death, Bernard had cornered the market on Swiss Miss hot cocoa mix in prison. Welp, SBF is following in Madoff’s footsteps…

Sam has allegedly been paying for haircuts in jail with mackerel fish snack packs (think: those Starkist tuna pouches that inexplicably have years-long shelf lives).

Judging by the rave reviews his new haircut got during his trial, the trade is well worth it. Apparently, the prison barber was able to chisel his jawline too…

Rumor has it he’s also been giving guards crypto investing tips… and probably organizing the shower orgies. You know, for old time’s sake…

Sam’s currently being held in Brooklyn’s notorious Metropolitan Detention Center while he awaits sentencing after being found guilty of fraud, money laundering, etc.

He’ll be sentenced in March. The first ballot Hall of Fame scumbag faces up to 100 years in prison. After his sentencing, he’ll likely be moved to a more cushy prison with other relatively harmless, doughy dorks.